A Day at The Beach...

Goodnight, Nana Upstairs and Downstairs...

2009-11-06T10:06:00.003-05:00

On October 9, 2009, my dear Nana went home to be with Jesus, her husband and her parents. She had been sick for the past eight weeks. On August 22, I took her out to get her nails done and we had lunch. That Monday morning she became unresponsive for about three days, then a week later we had a scary episode with her blood pressure during which she was EERILY lucid. Over the next six weeks she had good days and bad days. She pretty much was bed ridden. Only on one occasion, Labor Day weekend, did she not know me. Lindsey came to visit her the weekend before she passed. Piper had gotten to visit several times. She had been in a wonderful home, the kind of place I dreamed for her in the beginning, a place of love, light and kindness since April. They let me bring Piper to visit, they fixed her hair everyday and put lotion on every inch of her skin so that she was always so soft... They were with her when she passed peacefully in her sleep.

The day she passed I had come to visit. I read her Nana Upstairs, Nana Downstairs. She used to read it to me when I was little. The folks at the home feel that the book gave her permission to go home and she finally, gracefully exited into the next plane of existence.

My life feels surreal with out her. She was my anchor, she needed me and she was "my person." Yet I cannot just let go and cry. The reckoning is coming I am sure. Grief is a real and palpable companion in her place. Even while no longer living with me, she was always there, a presence in the back of my mind and now that space is painfully vacant...

Nana was, in my opinion, one of the sweetest, funniest, most of the wall ladies I ever knew. She had a full, amazing and love filled life.

I will miss her until the day I die and I see her again.

And I thank God for the gift that she was for the time that we had her.

Goodnight, Nana Upstairs and Downstairs.

You are kidding, right?

2009-06-15T14:59:00.002-04:00

Normally that kind of title would be attached to a post about my mom. No such luck this time. This is a post about Camp. Specifically how ridiculous administration, bureaucracy and "quality control" are when it comes to common sense and H1N1... if you don't know what that is, look it up. I'm not going to "say" it.

Apparently a camp somewhere else had a problem with it. Now "they" feel I should "screen" 1000 people a week in three hours for said issue and send people home or make them wear a mask...

Do people not read. This "pandemic" is of less consequence than the typical flu! Now people want to be stupid or better yet proactively moronic about it. Meanwhile seems like some people here might even be seeing dollar signs as groups want to come to our camp rather than the "contaminated" one. But that means we have to appear hyper vigilant and capable of handling this "crisis." Which by the way hasn't even made CNN, but is a big deal... Whatever.

Shame they haven't increased my staff, no matter what I've asked... Shame I never got that new MedLodge no matter how many times promised... Shame this is my last summer. No percentage in staying for crazy behavior... I can get that for free at home and get a better night sleep.

Seriously?

Moments...

2009-06-08T13:17:00.002-04:00

So here I am, my last Week 1 of camp. And I find myself noticing the "moments." You know those instants in time that are special, priceless and become part of you, there whenever you need a smile.

The campfire last night, "That's it! I'm not teaching underwater basket weaving anymore!" and, "I'm sorry, you are just not big enough to fill my scrubs!"

Not to mention breakfast at Miss Meg's (though once we get the adjustment right on the band, that will be gone faster than everything else...) and the tap on my door, "Sandy, can we talk?" Those moments are priceless and irreplacable...

Course, watchin Mark spin himself into the floor and self-centered, self important scout masters... Those are things I won't miss.

Whatever it takes, right?

2009-06-05T17:56:00.003-04:00

So let's take a minute and make sure I got this right...

You, (mother), said that you would be here Friday so that you could take care of my dogs this summer. Then you called to say it would be Saturday, but you would totally be there, so all I had to do was have them at the house and you would be there by 7PM to let them out and feed them (riiight...)...

Now you want me to drive five hours up and meet you halfway at a hotel and give them to you... Tomorrow...

So I am calling friends to see who can help give mom extra time... She swears she'll be here by Wednesday...

Note me not holding my breath...

Camp has started

2009-06-03T14:33:00.002-04:00

And so, once again, it begins. I have completely finished my responsibilities at the high school and am now firmly entrenched in what is going to be my final full summer at camp.

Deciding that Camp needed to be a finite experience for me was hard, but I see now that there are other things I need to do and move on to... That's not to say that I won't be back to visit, maybe even do a short stint (a week or two) here or there, but this is the last real thing. I think I'm OK with that, but...

Setting up the clinic, cleaning up, organizing getting ready to accept Homesick and Injured campers (not to mention dealing with the JNROTC cadets who are here for this week... who by the way are whiny wimps!) seemed both satisfying and oddly sad. Saying goodbye to an old friend.

There was one delightful young man who came in explaining about horrific pain in his knee that is now causing back spasms. I asked what he did to injure the knee... He said he didn't know it has hurt for a YEAR! I asked what his physician said. He said that as he has no insurance he has never seen a doctor. While that is possible, how did he get up here to camp without a physical. Anyway, I pointed out to him that I am not a doctor and do not carry an MRI in my pocket. Then we got to the meat of the issue. "Well, can you tell my Gunny I can't run today?" Well now that you mention it, "No, that is something you need to discuss with your Gunny." Seriously these ROTC are just sad. I hope this experience toughens a lot of them up... The came in on the first day and comments were made that my boys were the sissy's, so to speak. Well who can't hack it now!

Yep, Camp has started.

Soap and Surgery

2009-04-02T20:07:00.002-04:00

First and foremost I have to tell everyone about this awesome soap I found. Well, actually it found me. My friend, Beata, is doing an Internet business that sells this authentic, organic, french soap. I've already tried Rose, Oat Bran, Lavender, Lemon, Coconut, and palm oil. Seriously, Awesome! Check her out...

http://www.frenchsoapstore.com/

The next big news is that I had Lap Band Surgery on Tuesday. Unlike Gastric Bypass, in the end, I have to do the dieting myself, but the band is a tool that helps me control hunger and make better food choices. I think it is the right option for me. So I did it. Dad and Kay came up to keep me out of trouble. I spent hours and several people spent day getting the house in order to prepare for their visit.

Now I have three lacerations healing on my belly and I feel like I got punched in the upper abdomen, but other than that it's not so bad. The diet while I heal is brutal. Liquid. Nothing stays in my stomach and so I actually feel empty, not hungry exactly, just empty and hollow. I'm working on solutions to that.

Dad and Kay left this morning and Mom should be here this weekend.

Snow!

2009-03-03T09:13:00.002-05:00

On Sunday it snowed. This was a good news, bad news kind of thing. It was all summed up, good news and bad news in one sentence...

Mom was supposed to leave... but it snowed.

The thing is, I like having people in the house and with therapy she is really much more pleasant to deal with (my therapy, she quit a couple years ago). Also, I like having Nana around. However, I am also accustomed to being an adult single woman who lives alone. Mom, Nana and mom's dog, Ellie, can be a bit much when I only have two bedrooms and two dogs of my own...

Monday was a snow day. It was nice to sleep in, curl up with a book, enjoy the pretty scenery, general snow day-ness. Does tend to make students a bit crazy when we get back, though...

Oh, and the whole point of where I live in the south is being far enough north to get seasons, but far enough south that I don't have to carry de-icer in my car. So.

Interesting weekend.

First the eyes, now EARS!

2009-02-12T20:34:00.003-05:00

Today, this morning, actually, I took off my CZ studs that I have been wearing for months and found that either they were completley made of a metal other than silver or steele, or there was only a thin coating and me and my acid skin ate it away, leaving my ear lobes exposed to it. Surrounding the holes in my ears is a quarter inch radius of angry, inflamed, scaly, skin.

I have EAR LEPROSY!!!!

So first it was the styes, in my left eye, so that it was a swollen, irritated, puffy mass. Now it has moved onto my ears...

I imagine within the next few months my mouth will errupt into cold sores....

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.

This chain of events makes me wonder, you know...

Meanwhile...

I have EAR LEPROSY!

YUCK!

Favor...

2009-02-07T21:34:00.003-05:00

Today I got a phone call from a friend.

"This is an odd request, but remember our friends, we told you about, that had the little girl with a brain tumor? She died this week. Today is the funeral but we need someone to stay at the house in case people come by..."

How could I say no? Why would I?

I did not know this little girl, only four, who lost her life this week. I did not know her parents or her baby sister. I had prayed for her since I knew of her back in October of last year.

Today I sat in her house, her living room, surrounded by her toys and pictures, flowers and cards, playing with her dog, for three hours.

She was a happy child. That was clear. As that her parents loved her very much. A draft of the eulogy the parents wrote was lying on the table and I read it.

When I spoke to my mom on the phone, she was stricken, "What can you say about a four year old in a eulogy? They haven't lived yet..."

So I told her what it said and she cried with me. This child had lived. She had taught, she made a place such that her absence will be felt...

I sat in this house, surrounded by the vestiges of her life and I felt cheated that I had only known of her... not actually known her.

My friends called and thanked me profusely, promising a dinner or favor and gratitude. I said if my presence in the house of strangers could grant them some small comfort or absence of worry as they let their child go back to God I needed nor wanted no "payment."

Just the remnant of spirit that I shared in that house was a gift enough.

Heaven is brighter for our loss, I have no doubt. I can't imagine the pain of the people who had held her in their arms, for all the comfort that knowing that brings.

Tonight my prayers are for them.

25 things about me.

2009-01-29T23:55:00.001-05:00

Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

(To do this, go to "notes" under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click post.)

1. While I've learned to live with it, I really resent my height for competing with the other good things about me for most noticeable quality.
2. While I happen to be a damn good teacher, I think I would have been just as good an officer in the USN. And I really would have enjoyed being a ship driver...
3. I really do think the Boy Scouts is a saving grace in this country.
4. I probably won't but I would love to chuck it all and go to Paramedic School and be an ambulance rat.
5. Sometimes I pretend that I'm lazy, even though I know I'm not.
6. It bothers me when people compliment me for taking care of Nana, cause I don't know that there was any other choice.
7. I really think I am a good cook. When my Dad said he would pay for a meal I cooked in a restaurant and be happy with it, I was really proud.
8. I would trade all of my Dad's compliments about my cooking if he would just one time tell me he thought I was pretty.
9. I tell my students I don't care if they like me, and that's the biggest lie I tell.
10. I think men should have enough balls to ask women out the first time and I think the whole women's lib thing has really ruined men in America. See #3.
11. While I am excited about my new job opportunity as the gifted coordinator at a new high school putting myself out there to ask for the position was terrifying and I am still scared I'm going to screw this up.
12. Other than my Dad, I have only had two hugs that really made me feel safe and protected.
13. I think I got gypped at both of the chili cook offs at my school. Mine was totally the best both times.
14. It bothers me that I can't beat Kanika at Scrabble even though I am an English teacher and English is not her first language. But I still like trying and it is relaxing to get to play Bea and Chuck...
15. If I can ever make my living as a writer I will spend a lot more time traveling and hanging with my friends. Miami is still probably my favorite place to visit but not live.
16. The part I hate the most about teaching is dealing with parents. They make too many excuses and too many of them are "drinking the koolaide" when it comes to their kids.
17. I have only met one person who is better at getting lost than I am. He's my brother.
18. I like singing. But I need to spend more time with lessons in order to be any good. When I'm not "working out" my vocal chords, I think I suck as much as I'm good when I practice.
19. If I'm still single when my dog Roo dies, I think I may really loose it and people will have to come and put me back together.
20. I love sci-fi, books, TV, movies. Farscape was the best series ever in my opinion, Star Trek Enterprise never really got the shot it deserved and Firefly's cancellation was a crime. I even like bad sci fi. I can't seem to get into the new Galactica though...
21. I think William Carlos Williams' "This is just to say..." is the most romantic poem ever written. unfortunately (actually I really like it) I have to explain about my great grandparents and theories on love in order to get anyone else to see it that way. That's why I teach it no matter what grade or subject I'm teaching. I figure one day when I see commentary about how romantic it is, I'll know that I have truly been an effective and prolific teacher.
22. If I could do five weeks over they would be (in no particular order) A) The week before homecoming of my senior year, B) The week leading up to and including the Navy Marine Birthday Ball my Freshman year of college (actually I'd love that whole year as a do-over, but would settle for that week). C) The second week of the fall production when I taught drama D) The last week of camp 2006 and E) The week before I started graduate school.
23. It bugs me that people think I am confident and capable all the time, but then it bugs me when people act like I can't do something.
24. I really love it when people play with my hair.
25. I know I look awesome in blue, but I like red best.

***26. Extra Credit: I may be an English teacher, but I really suck at spelling.

Forgiveness

2009-01-27T20:11:00.003-05:00

As every semester my students read The Scarlet Ibis by Hurst. The question of responsibility, fault and guilt of children is a prominent issue. It is an issue close to home for me.

Today I did something different. I called my brother to ask forgiveness for wrongs I had done him when we were kids. Not just to apologize, but to ask forgiveness.

The two are different.

The second one is more important.

Oh Dear!

2008-12-12T10:50:00.002-05:00

Today in class a student announced,

"O-M-G! That is so weird! L-O-L!"

My children are speaking in text.

Then on the Burger King Billboard on the main thoroughfare through town it said

Stake Biscits for Brakefast!

But best of all.

I said to my mom, in regards to Nana,

"Remember, whatever you do unto the least of these, you do unto me."

Nana stood up and announced.

"Come on Susan! It's time to give Baby Jesus a bath!"

My little brother turned 30 last week. I find that more upsetting than my own 33rd birthday yesterday... Then I also realized a dear friend, who I remember as a sweet little thing turned 18 last week too...

OMG!

Veteran's Day

2008-11-11T10:42:00.004-05:00

I sent a letter to my dad and my step-mother today, thanking them for their service to our country.

It occurred to me that my family's history of military service is something I take for granted. It is simply part of my heritage, my history, it makes up who my family members are.

So today I took a second to thank my family not as a daughter, granddaughter or niece, but as an American. My family has literally given over a century of service to this country and the ideals it represents. It seems right that election day is so close to Veteran's Day. They are the price that we pay... or that is the freedom they paid for us....

My dad answered with a simple thanks. He said it mattered to him that I had the thought as most people seem to view Veteran's Day as just a day off and a day for sales... I also see so many talk about those dead, and we should remember their ultimate sacrifice, but I also hope that we stop and thank the living, men and women who are living monuments to our freedom, burnished bronze, forged in courage and tempered in honor for us.

There are so many forms of service and there are so many who serve, those in ministry, civil service, education and medicine who we owe so much, but today, we should take that moment and thank specifically those men and women who have given so much for the rest of us to be free to serve others, to get an education, to have such amazing health care available to us and to have the voice in our own government.

Thank You.

In Honor Of Halloween

2008-10-28T14:59:00.002-04:00

My two favorite Halloween Poems... One more silly, one more sinister, both classics, though one is more high brow than the other... Enjoy!

Porphyria's Lover
By Robert Browning

The rain set early in to-night,
The sullen wind was soon awake,
It tore the elm-tops down for spite,
And did its worst to vex the lake:
I listen'd with heart fit to break.
When glided in Porphyria; straight
She shut the cold out and the storm,
And kneel'd and made the cheerless grate
Blaze up, and all the cottage warm;
Which done, she rose, and from her form
Withdrew the dripping cloak and shawl,
And laid her soil'd gloves by, untied
Her hat and let the damp hair fall,
And, last, she sat down by my side
And call'd me. When no voice replied,
She put my arm about her waist,
And made her smooth white shoulder bare,
And all her yellow hair displaced,
And, stooping, made my cheek lie there,
And spread, o'er all, her yellow hair,
Murmuring how she loved me—she
Too weak, for all her heart's endeavour,
To set its struggling passion free
From pride, and vainer ties dissever,
And give herself to me for ever.
But passion sometimes would prevail,
Nor could to-night's gay feast restrain
A sudden thought of one so pale
For love of her, and all in vain:
So, she was come through wind and rain.
Be sure I look'd up at her eyes
Happy and proud; at last I knew
Porphyria worshipp'd me; surprise
Made my heart swell, and still it grew
While I debated what to do.
That moment she was mine, mine, fair,
Perfectly pure and good: I found
A thing to do, and all her hair
In one long yellow string I wound
Three times her little throat around,
And strangled her. No pain felt she;
I am quite sure she felt no pain.
As a shut bud that holds a bee,
I warily oped her lids: again
Laugh'd the blue eyes without a stain.
And I untighten'd next the tress
About her neck; her cheek once more
Blush'd bright beneath my burning kiss:
I propp'd her head up as before,
Only, this time my shoulder bore
Her head, which droops upon it still:
The smiling rosy little head,
So glad it has its utmost will,
That all it scorn'd at once is fled,
And I, its love, am gain'd instead!
Porphyria's love: she guess'd not how
Her darling one wish would be heard.
And thus we sit together now,
And all night long we have not stirr'd,
And yet God has not said a word!

and

The Little Orphan Annie
by James Whitcomb Riley

Little Orphan Annie's come to my house to stay.
To wash the cups and saucers up and brush the crumbs away.
To shoo the chickens from the porch and dust the hearth and sweep,
and make the fire and bake the bread to earn her board and keep.
While all us other children, when the supper things is done,
we sit around the kitchen fire and has the mostest fun,
a listening to the witch tales that Annie tells about
and the goblins will get ya if ya don't watch out!

Once there was a little boy who wouldn't say his prayers,
and when he went to bed at night away up stairs,
his mammy heard him holler and his daddy heard him bawl,
and when they turned the covers down,
he wasn't there at all!
They searched him in the attic room
and cubby hole and press
and even up the chimney flu and every wheres, I guess,
but all they ever found of him was just his pants and round-abouts
and the goblins will get ya if ya don't watch out!!

Once there was a little girl who always laughed and grinned
and made fun of everyone, of all her blood and kin,
and once when there was company and old folks was there,
she mocked them and she shocked them and said, she didn't care.
And just as she turned on her heels and to go and run and hide,
there was two great big black things a standing by her side.
They snatched her through the ceiling fore she knew what shes about,
and the goblins will get ya if ya don't watch out!!

When the night is dark and scary, and the moon is full
and creatures are a flying and the wind goes Whoooooooooo,
you better mind your parents and your teachers fond and dear,
and cherish them that loves ya, and dry the orphans tears
and help the poor and needy ones that cluster all about,
or the goblins will get ya if ya don't watch out!!!

Happy Halloween!

(Note, while I am aware of some more sinister connotations to this holiday and have never condoned ritualistic or occult practices for exactly that reason, I do feel that in a loving and supportive family/community this "holiday" can supply a lot of good lean fun for children and adults alike. I also believe strongly in a parent's right to disagree to that to, so long as that opinion is not forced on me. There are a lot of great churches that have "Fall Festivals" or "Pumpkin Parties" for the kids and those are terrific alternatives too. I have participated in a lot of those over the years. In my class I focus on spooky and interesting literature during this time period, just as I focus on more romantic pieces in February, because as a shameless promoter of literature, I'll use anything I can to grab a kid's attention and get them excited about literature!)

Go read something scary and if it's good, share it with a friend!

Move-Ed

2008-10-15T14:58:00.002-04:00

So now I am moved.

This process has taught me something. I hate moving. They are going to have to carry my cold dead rotting corps out of that house feet first before I move again... Or if I really have to, I'll just burn it to the ground and have insurance get me new stuff... No packing!

Going from 1700 feet to 1200, it looks like I was shoe horned in to this place. There are boxes everywhere. Roo is furious with me. She keeps giving me this look followed by the most put upon sigh any teenager ever uttered...

Also.

Yesterday I grabbed a pull over dress of mine because it's easy and doesn't wrinkle. Only I couldn't find my slip. So I got this idea. I used my red satin nightie... yeah. Looked fine standing up, but when I sat the full skirt with ruffle trim was clearly visible below my neutral toned dress. Note to self...

Also, I think, I have way too much stuff.

But!

I am going to see "Wicked" on Saturday. That I am totally pumped about. I will find my slip before then!

Moving

2008-10-04T18:23:00.002-04:00

Here I am again, it seems. Moving.

Moving is a weird thing to me. I've done it so often, there is no excitement, though there is also no fear... I know this animal.

Lately I feel unsettled. Maybe that is by definition the moving... When I am in the new place, unpacked, I will feel settled again.

Right now I doubt it.

So much of my instinct seems off lately, discombobulated...

One way or another, though, come the 11th of October the movers will be here.

I am moving.

Political

2008-09-28T13:14:00.002-04:00

It never ceases to amaze me how people act in regards to politics and philosophy.

For the past three weeks I have been working on an in depth unit with my students on To Kill a Mockingbird and Raisin in the Sun. We have discussed race relations and prejudice, racism, sexism and general ignorance. In all of these conversations there have been two constants, we have to talk to each other and we have to stop making differences a personal affront...

Here's the thing, it is not a matter of intelligence or personal worth which political philosophy you favor. Frankly, most people really don't even favor one political philosophy over the other, they have a set of preferences which maybe hit more on one side than the other, but it is rare to see a complete line up on wither side. The reality is, most people are good people, who want the best for the country and specifically their children and loved ones (not to mention themselves) and simply differ on how to go about that...

Even if you disagree with Bush policies (and statistically a large population of Americans do right now)that's fine, we have elections every four years and he can only serve two terms total no matter what so that if we disagree we can replace him hopefully with someone we agree with more... But do you really believe that he knows or believes that what he is doing is wrong? Does it make sense that it is the President's secret intention to destroy his own county? Is he really a bad man?

Is Obama or McCain a bad person? They are human to be sure and clearly have made mistakes in their lives as well as some very significant successes. Why does it have to be personal? If I get a second opinion from a doctor and it is different than the first, so I call into questions the morals and values of the doctor I don't agree with? They are both trying to help me, right? Shouldn't that speak well of both of them. Should the two doctors call into question the morals and ethics of the other because they disagree... Education, training, experience may be a factor and can be discussed, but why does it need to be personal if both doctors want the best for the patients health.

If two people are interviewing for a job, the question becomes who is the best person for the job... Not, why shouldn't the other guy have it.

Also, I need to note, I am not interested in personal political statements in my comment section. Really, not what this blog is for. Thanks.

Pardon?

2008-09-18T21:00:00.002-04:00

We've been working on the unit for six weeks...

Friday was the test...

Young lady walked right up to me.

"So, do I have to take the test today?"

"Why wouldn't you take it today?"

"I was absent yesterday."

"Well that was unfortunate."

"I missed the review."

"But not the six weeks of the unit before hand..."

"So I have to take the test today?"

"Yeah, go figure."

Then same child's mother decided she wants to start popping in, unannounced to observe me, because, "I like to keep teachers on their toes..."

And the woman took notes!

But, on the better note, I get to go to ENGLAND for two weeks this summer!

Yay me!

Break...

2008-09-07T21:03:00.002-04:00

Yeah, yeah yeah.

I'm a horrible person.

So the styes cleared up. I chopped off my hair (and it's cute). Nana should be back soon. I'm moving to the town I teach in. Mom is moving to the same apartment complex. I'm taking grad classes. To be an administrator, which I doubt I really want to be, but... I think I've reached the angry point in therapy. I am angry with everyone sometimes... but I also am handling it now.

My diet and exercise are completely out of control, but I'm trying to get back on track. I still need to get the consult on Lap Band surgery. I also need to talk to a doctor about the cyst I have on one of my ovaries... they said it was small only 3 cm. I pointed out that ovaries are only 3 cms... so it's like having an extra one in there. I still get out of breath and sweat like a pig...

I'm trying to be proactive about meeting people and developing a social life. Turns out men/boys are oblivious and dense as door nails. I have tickets to Wicked, but he has to ask me out on a date first... I'm giving up on the dream.

Two amazing friends who I thought I had lost both looked me up this past month. Wow! One informs my past and the other my future.

Oh and again, everyone is pregnant or giving birth. So I am still a fertility goddess in the sadly single sense of the word.

Sorry I took a bit of a break.

I'll try to be more proactive.

Owwwwiiiieee!

2008-08-19T21:36:00.002-04:00

So, two weeks ago I had a stye... a glorified pimple in my eye.

Now I have two, one on my upper lid and one in the lower. Pain is acheiving new definitions in my life. Not to mention how ridiculous I look. You know how the muppets have huge eyes and there is a ridge along either eyelid (obstensibly where the seem is) yeah, that's what I look like on that side.

So then today was parent's night. How am I supposed to convince parents that I am not the ogre from the seventh circle of hell that my students say I am when I look like I got punched in the eye by rabid ninjas while walking an old lady across the street.

Trying to fix this thing is worse. Picture me, no contacts and you can't wear glasses while fooling with your eyes... so picture me, in front of the mirror, muppet eye, trying to get these stupid styes to rupture (pop!) by squeezing and then resorting to a very sharp needle... Lucky I didn't end up in the ER... Hate to explain THAT injury.

Both have ruptured as of now, and are mostly cleared out of their disgusting viscous poison goo... but the redness, swelling and pain, not to mention tears are all still there...

And, while I was home today rolling in agony my second period decided to stage a revolt. I will show them revolting. Little Miss Muppet Eye is about to make them write essays until their hands fall off... HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Oh dear! The pain has gone to my head. Where is my Tylenol PM?

Home

2008-07-22T10:46:00.002-04:00

Got home Sunday night, got Nana moved back home and then spent all day Monday sleeping...

Today I have ordered a new licence (lost my wallet in a movie theatre a week ago, what a mess) and am taking Nana to do nails. We still have things to do before I go back to work on Friday.

Mom should be here on Wednesday and she will take Nana with her for a "visit" next week. That will give me time to set up a new system here.

Also in about three weeks I go back to graduate school to get my leadership add-on. The idea being that no matter what it will make me a better teacher, but I will have the option of being an administrator if I choose and someone wants me to administrate... I don't think I would like it long term, for all that I think I would be good at it. The classes should be interesting.

My students arrive next Thursday. I am actually looking forward to the new experience that a new class is...

More than any other summer, I am simply glad to be home, for all that things really are a mess right now...

I am ready for Fall.

Maybe it's time

2008-07-19T20:27:00.002-04:00

To be done.

Maybe my perspective isn't right anymore.

Maybe I'm not as important as I thought I was.

Maybe this isn't the right place for me anymore.

The "Sandy, you're the best"s just don't seem sincere and don't really matter.

They did not thank Lynne, or Mark or Carnell or Dennis or any of those who work so hard behind the scenes. Yes, that includes me, but that isn't this singular issue.

It is wrong to do it for the sake of getting recognized... that would make me no better than Mr. Bird. But I can't shake the feeling that there was more to be said and it wasn't. If Mike hadn't Daniel really should have.

Mark always says when it's not fun anymore you should go home.

This is starting to feel more like co-dependence than fun.

I could also be tired, but it doesn't nullify the point.

I've got to figure out what to do with Nana, going back to Grad school (and the bill it creates...), figure out the car, deal with school in general and then of course there is my health and my weight and the concern that my heart, through no fault of it's own might explode out my chest...

Maybe it's time.

What they have become...

2008-07-11T17:28:00.002-04:00

So let me make sure I got this right.

One group of staff went out last night and got very drunk and were too hungover this morning to make formation... They were directors.

One group was up too late and out too late and made a huge mess of the vans... and then one threw away medical forms in the process of cleaning up.

One group got together and let all the boats and canoes loose in the lake... this is staff mind you. They did not help gather them back up.

Then the group that runs the lake threw a temper tantrum and refused to clean it up until class started and so two periods of kids will not get their merit badges in boating and canoeing... kids who worked hard and paid their money same as everyone else. The program director supported this temper tantrum.

So I took the food I usually make for Friday afternoon directors doing grades and gave it to the kitchen staff. All that cheese and mexican food would not have been good on hung-over, self indulgent, lazy stomaches...

Meanwhile Mr. Bird complains to anyone he can find that I did not give him an X-mas present, but other people got them... Not that he gave me one mind you and he won't say anthing to me about it... Go figure. I feel guilty... that I don't feel guilty. I gave rpesents to who I wanted to and I was under no obligation to give one to anyone. This is not kindegarten where I have to give a valentine to everyone even the kids that are mean to me...

What a bunch of self indulgent children they all are.

I weep for their lives...

Late Night Resolve.

2008-07-11T06:45:00.002-04:00

The lady that runs Nana's personal care home called last night at 9:30 PM. She was nearly in tears... at one point was crying... Nana is miserable. I spoke to her at length too. This is not working.

The four months, especially the time I am at camp was nessesary. But I cannot keep going through this.

So I spoke to my mom and my brother. Nana is coming back to me. Then maybe she'll spend a few months with mom this fall, maybe not. We'll see. But I need her back, she needs her dog and I am no longer comfortable with the care she is recieving there...

There is actually more comfort in this decision than panic. It's the right thing to do.

I will not let my Nana be that upset and scared if I can help it...

She is coming home.

Sick!

2008-07-07T22:10:00.002-04:00

OK, so I was sick. It started as a cold. Standard head cold virus kinda thing. Two days down and then I was better. Then it got worse again, the hacking cough joined the party and there were funny colors not from the pretty rainbow...

Thankfully a doc at camp gently patter my shoulder and said, "Please, let me help you..." Wonderful man! He gave me 750 mg of Leviquin. I am happy to report that after another two days down, that anything bacteria-y that was living in me is quite dead now.

So now I am better. The fourth of July passed. I tried to sing for the show, and choked on a bug during America the Beautiful. Very attractive and melodically...
Yeah right.

I've also now had two run in's with administrator types, Victorious types, who are morons and suffer from the delusion that they are the John Wayne of Boy Education. May it bite them firmly in the but! I should be so lucky. My luck I will be thrown under the bus like my predecessors on these kinds of fiascos. No I cannot and will not be more specific. HIPPA and Youth Protection dictate that. Morons!

Also, I am now almost blindingly strawberily BLONDE! God Help us All! I'm getting used to it.

Did I mention it is Christmas in July...?

Excuse Me?

2008-06-24T23:09:00.002-04:00

Oh, gotta tell you this one too.

So I was in the Walmart on Sunday morning looking at hair clippers. This really old woman walks up to me and asks, "Do you know of any good shavers?"

I show her the quarto disposable razors for women I was purchasing. She says she was looking for electric because she just could not bend over to shave her legs anymore. I recommended she sit on the toilet (or johnny as she called it) used a thick shaving gel and shave before she got in the shower. She really liked this idea and then asked if I could recommend a shave gel. I did...

Do I look like a information booth about geriatric extremity depilatory?

Oh me!

Last weeks tally

2008-06-23T10:08:00.002-04:00

So last week I had...

A kid who threw a knife at a tree. It bounced back and cut him. Go figure.

A kid who got a hole in his head because he got hit by a rock...

They each got two staples a piece.

One poor kid cut his hand on the brand new knife he bought after finishing his toting chip that morning. When he came in his toting chip instructor was up in Medlodge with me... He burst into tears. It wasn't a bad cut, but he learned his lesson. He didn't need a knife in the class he cut himself in, by the way.

Oh! Did I mention on Saturday morning that I woke up to find a camper (18) standing in the middle of my room staring at me? Yeah. He wanted Tylenol. He's lucky he didn't get murdered. There was enough fodder in that moment of waking to fuel nightmares for a week!

The individual I have resigned myself to disliking continues to ask my advice, much to God's amusement I am sure. If I have a well that is continuous, and I have all I want can I turn away someone who is thirsty. Apparently not. But I don't have to like him!

For five years I have done this gig on my own. Two weeks with a real partner and I am terrified about being on my own again for the week. Bet I make it, OK, though. Some of the kids might not...

It's Monday morning and the puking has already begun.

It is worth noting... This summer I am more raw that I have been. Theoretically the protective shield I have hidden behind for so long is falling. That is a good thing, but the skin underneath is so new and delicate. I bleeds. I am trying to navigate all the emotions and it's hard. Other's pain and suffering seems to flow off them like waves and I cry for them. I keep being reassured that this is a good thing, a healing, but then why do I feel so damaged?

Radio Abuse

2008-06-23T10:02:00.002-04:00

Long time ago, when I was a young teacher, I envied the administrators with their two way radios. Maybe it was some kind of police-woman fantasy, but (for lack of a better term) it really turned me on. Ya know?

Six summers at camp tethered to one of those things and, yeah, I'm totally over it.

In my case, campers on radios becomes a singular pain. They think it's funny to spew obsenity and jarring noise for hours.

So last night, or rather, this morning, I "thought" I might have heard the word "emergency." Course with the four and a half hours straight of radio play, who could be sure. I notified the administration and at 0030 hours we had a saftey emergency drill.

While I am pretty sleepy, it is kind of exhilierating to not be the only person kept up all night by that stupid squaking device. Seeing the nodding heads of children at breakfast brought me a perverse joy.

Maybe I like radios after all?

Funny. No one else does anymore...

Dear Mr. Bird.

2008-06-23T09:44:00.002-04:00

It is a strange thing for me to actively dislike someone. It really is. For the most part I try hard to see the good and value in someone. It is my firm belief that everyone has a place and purpose in life. There are students I do not care for, but I still love them and in some ways, like them. They are our future after all and by calling or choice, they are my responsibility. There are some people I enjoy being around more than others, there is no denying that. But it is strange for me to actively dislike.

It is true that I dislike you.

While I do believe you have value as a person, I feel that you are often rude, disrespectful and ignorant of those around you. Often I think you make your own life more difficult by your refusal to really look at a situation before you jump to conclusions or more detrimentally open your mouth. You frequently hurt and offend people. While I do not believe it is your actual intention, I think you mistake being disrespectful for commanding respect. It is funny to me that your counterpart is respected for precisely the opposite reason. He thinks before he speaks and is humble. He fosters true loyalty because of that choice.

The irony in all of this is that I still want to help you. Or more specifically, you ask for my help and I am willing to give it. I wonder if that must bother you. It is frustrating to me to help you, because I don't like you, but i still feel obligated to give it. Probably because I do not think you are beyond help or hope... maybe that is a form of affection?

You said I wouldn't ask someone I liked to ask my permission before entering my room. I only demand that of you because I don't like you. Actually that is true. However, I need to also point out that those I like frequently if not always ask permission anyway... So in some ways it isn't true. You see they show me respect, you only do when you need help.

It is my belief that you value my opinion or at least respect it, or you wouldn't ask it... but you only seem to value or respect me whey you need the help, often when there is no one else who would help you, much less advise you... That in itself is a lack of respect. So on that count, then, we are even and maybe you should keep that in mind too...

It is my sincere hope and nightly prayer (seriously) that you improve on your endeavour to be a better person. Your success or failure is not my responsibility but my help is available. Right now, however, my friendship, is not.

And that's just the way it is.

At least one of the three

2008-06-15T23:14:00.002-04:00

For years I have said that our good luck and low injury rate at camp are due to three things (equal parts) 1) Strong Central Leadership, 2) Consistent Quality of Care/Training from MedLodge and 3) Sheer Dumb Luck.

At least one of those three seems to have run out.

Last week a kid tried to get out of a row boat. He did not take out his oar lock first. It ripped open his calf, down to the bone. The staff was very worried about body substance contamination. I told them bleaching the lake was not an option. There were actual "bits" of this kid left on the boat. I am not just talking blood (though God knows there was plenty of that.)

Another kid, a staffer actually, put a hatchet in his shin. Then he refused to follow medical advice about staying off the leg.

Then there was this rash, which I cannot discuss right now as some staff read this, but sufficed to say I itch just thinking about it.

Another kid was hearing voices. Let's leave that there.

I had kids trying to take off fingers, breaking wrists and nosy scout leaders who should be shot.

One kid was caught with dubious pink powder and a snorting straw. That was a nightmare involving the police in two different locations and three counties!

Add in that someone is not turning out to be the leader I expected them to be (not to mention that they dismissed me from a meeting in someone else's office... the nerve!) and you have an interesting summer... Still five weeks to go.

But the light moments are here too. The laughter, the jokes, the talks. Dad came to visit.

I'm making a picture wall in my clinic. I call it "The Wall of Pain."

God and his sense of humor.

2008-06-09T15:26:00.003-04:00

So, on Saturday I had a long talk with my therapist. We discussed that I had really had it with someone.

"I don't like him. I have never liked him, but for the past three years I have tried. I think I can stop trying now. It's not like a wish him ill, I just don't like him. If he was on fire and I was standing there drinking tea I'd throw my tea on him. I'm just not sure I'd go to the faucet to fill up the glass for another toss."

My therapist said it was healthy for me to come to these realizations.

Sunday night, the same person came to me. "Sandy, I think I have a real problem with my anger management. Do you think you can help me?"

So now I am counseling this person to help them function better in the camp/professional environment.

Tell me God is laughing his head off somewhere?

Angry, Frustrated and Dissappointed...

2008-06-07T23:29:00.002-04:00

Boys are stupid. OK, that's not fair. There are a big group of boys up here who are stupid though. Like, I want to beat their heads in with shovels, stupid.

Trying to explain would be pointless, tedious and probably boring to the outside observer, but sufficed to say a boy here at camp has managed to prove to me that all the growth I thought I had witnessed recently was almost as big a farce as his actual behavior on Friday. What's worse is that he knows I'm mad and I don't know how to explain this to him.

The good news is though, that I have accepted that I truly dislike someone else on staff after trying for three long years to get along with him. I have decided that is OK. Really.

So I am getting over it.

Catching Up

2008-06-02T08:29:00.002-04:00

So now I am at camp. Somehow, even with the standard problems, comedy of errors, general stupidity, all the normal stuff that ensues up here, life is better, mountains are more climbable, here at camp, life is good!

So to catch up.

I started having some health issues, but I decided to put off going to see a doctor until I finished the 5K. So I finished the 5K. I came in dead last, lapped by the Biathlon people who started ten minutes later, but I finished. 54 of the longest minutes of my life, but I finished. I will do better next time. The next Tuesday, the diagnosis was Congestive Heart Failure. Panic and Hilarity ensued. However, turns out they were wrong. According to the cardiologist, I'm just fat and need to join Weight Watchers. I hope she never gets sick and scared to death and goes to see someone with as much insensitivity and lack of listening skills like she has. No one deserved the day that was. However, I am resolved. I will speak to my regular doctor this week about Lap Banding. If I have to lose weight for these people to take me seriously about something that I believe is a real problem, then I will. But as least I don't have CHF.

Then there was this beautiful wedding and even more beautiful babies. Life is a beautiful circle.

Nana is settling in well at the personal care home. Apparently she got up in the middle of the night, got dressed, put on her purse and walked out into the living room. While looking for a light switch she pulled the fire alarm. Then when the lady that runs the place came racing up stairs there stood a dark imposing figure in the middle of the room. EEEEP! Nana announced, "I'm ready to go out now." God only knows where she thought she was going. She must have been dreaming.

The next morning she sat down at the kitchen table and cleaned out her purse. Upon finding six one dollar bills she trilled, "Hey girl, lets say us rich bitches go get drunk!" Poor Emma (the lady that runs the house). There is a new woman living there. She doesn't like it. She screams all day. Emma told me that Nana sat with her all afternoon saying, "It really is a very nice place. You'll like it here. Everyone is very nice. I really miss my dogs. My Pipey is so sweet and Roo is so moochie and I really miss them but it really is wonderful here... Please stop screaming."

School ended. And now I am at camp. For the past several months I have been telling them they needed to replace my carpet (seriously gross bio-hazard at this point) with linoleum. I even offered to pay for it. When I got to camp. Still nasty carpet. So I complained again. I was told if I felt that strongly I could just rip up the carpet and have a stone floor. OK. I had the carpet up in less than thirty minutes. I had linoleum in less than 48 hours afterward when they saw what that would look like. Some people learned some valuable lessons about daring me to do anything.

As I type these delightful men are fixing my air conditioning. I have never started camp with a working air conditioner. But this may be the fastest I ever got it fixed. Might have to do with the fact that it will be 95 degrees up here on Thursday during inspection (according to the weather report).

This summer I find I am in love with Tea. A good dear friend totally got me hooked on the tea experience and seeing as I am trying to avoid the caffeine rush that can be coffee, the tea thing is good. Jasmine Pearls with Roobius is my favorite, but I found the most delightful iced...

My Daddy is coming up next week and I cannot wait!

So, that's where it is.

Oh! This year our radio names at camp are video games. I am Zelda... You got to go through several levels to get me...

*wink*

Hiatus

2008-04-17T19:41:00.002-04:00

On April 1st Nana moved into the personal care home and it's working. It's the right place for her and it's working.

She told me that we need to find a place like this for me to go live...

Anyway, sorry I've been absent for a while. Five more weeks until camp, three until the 5K, and four until my good friend's wedding... not to mention all the babies that are coming this summer... I'll have more time for blogging at camp.

Don't give up on me.

On a different and just as upsetting note...

2008-03-17T21:20:00.002-04:00

OK.

I get it.

I won't buy lottery tickets this week.

Money down the toilet.

This is a bit of a complicated and odd story, but, it is what it is.

When I went to Wilderness EMT training back in October I met a really sweet kid, all of 19 years old from a small town in the North West US. There was something about this guy. It felt like he belonged with "us" as in my camp crew... It was a feeling I just could not shake. So I made some calls, called in a favor or two and offered him a position as my assistant this summer (for two or three weeks). I got his plane ticket covered, got him set up for salary (a good one for a first year at only three weeks I might add) and some other perks. It was a good thing.

I asked people to pray about it for me. There was just something about this situation, a feeling, an intuition... he belonged here for the summer. God had a plan and I was so excited to see what it was... It was a hope and excitement I held onto whenever things were tough in these pre-camp days.

We corresponded a bit, planning, setting up and he was pumped and seemed committed. I got the administration staff pumped... It was clicking.

Today he e-mailed that he is not coming.

In the grand scheme of things it is not the end of the world. I even have another assistant, great guy I've worked with before at camp, for the time when this new guy wasn't going to be there, and that's a good thing, but...

On top of everything else I feel a bit let down tonight. There is still this feeling in my heart that there was a purpose there, that it was something important. I've had that feeling before, and more often than not I was right.

Apparently this was less often than not...

I wish him the best of luck, and May God Bless Him, whatever God's plan is for him.

Three unrelated stories... except they are.

2008-03-16T21:15:00.005-04:00

A woman who spoke at my Baptist Collegiate Ministries when I was in college told a story about how when she was in her 30's, her husband was stationed somewhere other than where she lived and would visit every couple weekends. She suffered from an episode of Bell's Palsy and was hospitalized. On her birthday (her birthday!) he called her at the hospital (he had not come home) from her parent's (HER parents) house just to say hi. Apparently he had been able to get a hop on military air and so he went to visit her folks. He had forgotten that it was her birthday, and when she realized that and pointed it out, he tried to cover by telling her he had a surprise... She told him she was done. And she was. She said at that point she no longer loved her husband. The journey back from that, the choice that she made, the realization her husband had to come to, the salvation of their marriage (they've been together over 40 now) was her testimony. It was powerful when I heard it. She had to choose to be married to her husband. He had to choose to prove to her that she could love him and most importantly count on him. At the time I first heard it I looked at it as the powerful testimony of what marriage is supposed to be. A choice. She continued to make the choice even when it was hard and God rewarded that and now they both are very happily married.

To me it was in juxtaposition to another story. When my brother was five he nearly died in the hospital. My father, who was out of town on training at the time, didn't come home. There are a couple versions on the story, I was eight and so I have to take other peoples' words. There are, as I said, a couple versions. However there are two constants in all the versions. My father made the biggest mistake of his life and my mother quit loving and trusting him as a wife trusts a husband. It was at that point that she decided eventually she would leave him... and in the end my brother and I too. Granted she made the wrong choice or the weaker choice, or whatever you want to call it, in comparison to the woman who spoke at the BCM when I was in college, but I didn't understand something until this past week.

Nana is moving into a personal care home on April 1st. When I saw my brother at Christmas he promised me he would come and help me move her. Over the past few months he continued to promise. We talked about how having my mother here would be the last thing I need, too many complications. Then two weeks ago he called to say that he couldn't make it. Too many responsibilities, but it really bothered him. So I absolved him. Then he DROVE down to visit my father in Florida for this past week. Tuesday until Saturday. With a side trip to visit his wife's family (the people who called the police on him when his wife's phone died and she didn't call back fast enough...). I've missed two days of work because Nana was too confused to leave at home alone. One of those days was while my brother was visiting my Dad. That was the day I called my Mom in tears. She will be here tomorrow. When I "vented" to my dad about my brother's choices and how hard all of this was for me... Apparently my brother was in the room and heard me. My father e-mailed me "just so you know" that now my brother was hurt and upset too.

This past week was the most alone I have ever felt in my life. And for the first time in my life, while I still disagree with my mother's choice, I understood it. I also saw that while my father knows he made a mistake all those years ago he still doesn't understand why.

Apparently neither does my brother.

So now in addition to feeling like my world is collapsing and I am a failure because Nana is moving (I can't take care of her anymore like this!) I also feel like I can no longer count on my family the way I always assumed I could. Probably why I am crying every day and there are parents in my school system that complimented me on my passion for literature as I had tears running down my cheeks as I discusses To Kill a Mockingbird during parent teacher conferences...

My mother is coming. She may not have been my first choice, but she is coming and I'll take it. And be grateful.

This is shredding my soul.

Two weeks to go.

Suffication

2008-03-13T22:20:00.002-04:00

There are a couple possibilities, depression, betrayal, heart break, all of the above.

Today I can't seem to stop the tears.

What happens if I get to April 1st and this doesn't get better?

Right now, all it is getting is worse.

I had no idea it was going to be this hard.

Being Mercutio

2008-03-09T22:35:00.003-04:00

So, last night I was having a conversation with a friend. I think I may have upset her a bit. Further, I think she thinks this is about being single. And while I can't say this has nothing to do with that, it's not as big a factor as you'd think and there is so much more to it than that.

We were talking and I told her that I had come to the conclusion that I am really not the main character in this life. I am a Mercutio.

He was an important character. People like him, he stands out and is remembered, but it's not his story, it's not about him and he doesn't make it to the big finale.

She said that none of us is the main character, God is, at which point I knew she didn't understand what I was saying at all. Then she asked if I would think I was a main character if I was married. This was another indicator to me that she missed the point. Which isn't really her fault. Her life makes sense, it's working and she is the main character.

I have no idea how this is going to work with Nana at the personal care home. I have no idea how my life is going to work out at all regardless. People around me think I am funny, witty, confidant, together. I'm not even making that up, people have used those four words at me in the past week for several reasons.

And I think about Mercutio. He was dying and no one even knew. He is the most popular character in a play that is not about him. He is only a supporting character and in the end he was not in finale, he was just one of those who were gone.

Now, before anyone calls me about being crazy, suicidal, homicidal or depressed, I'm not. Let's settle that issue now. This was the other thing I was trying to explain to my well intentioned friend. This reality is not as upsetting to me as I thought it would be. Because I also think about Samuel.

There are two books in the bible called Samuel. He is an important figure in biblical literature. But those books were not about him. They were about Daniel, a man after God's own heart. The books were named after him, he mattered, and he served God, but he was the supporting character.

So, I'm okay with that.

Nanaisms...

2008-03-03T18:21:00.003-05:00

OK, OK, I have been chastised and so I am posting. Life has been happening a bit faster than I can really stand up to lately.

The big news is that we have put down a deposit and Nana is going to a Personal Care Home on April 1st. She will be one of six ladies that live in the house. Frankly she is doing the best of the bunch physically and mentally from what I've seen. But she will get the support and supervision she needs there. I'll still be active and involved in her life (Most weekend she will come home with me to do nails, visit the dogs, go to church), but I will get the flexibility and the peace that comes with not being solely responsible for her all day, every day. Most of the time I am OK with this. It's a good place. Most of the time she is too...

This past winter when my Mom was here, she told Lindsey, "Thanks for all you do for Nana. And remember, Jesus said, whatever you do unto the least of these you do unto me..." Nana stood up and announced, "Come on, Lindsey, lets go live Jesus a shower!"

This past week I gave Nana a $10 so that she and Lindsey could go to Waffle House for lunch. Nana trilled, "Oh wow! We are rich! Come on Lindsey, let's go get drunk!"

Later that afternoon as I sat in the car on the phone (I hadn't been to work that day as Nana was too confused for me to leave her alone that morning) Nana came up and knocked on my window. She had been so clear when I left and hour previous. "Would you like to come inside and wait for Sandy there? She should be right home soon." I nearly burst into tears. Then Nana cracked the biggest smile and started to cackle! "Fooled you!" I nearly killed her!

The pie-de-resistance was on Sunday when she smiled at the woman who will be her new caretaker and said, "I'm going to miss my Sandy, she only beat me once in a while." We had to have a talk about how that joke was NOT FUNNY!

This is the right thing to do and I find comfort in the idea that this is a really good set up for Nana, but I also know this is going to kill me.

Not a date, but...

2008-02-07T19:36:00.000-05:00

So I got tickets to go see the ballet of Romeo and Juliet. Good tickets in the balcony... Nana was gonna go with two of my guy friends and I. But she didn't want to go. So I asked another of the boys to go... But he had to bow out.

So I asked my former crush.

He's going with us!

This is not a date, but... he could totally see that I am a fun Friday night companion... In case he ever wanted to ask, not that I am expecting him to... Just to know it's out there, you know?

Anyway.

Fingers crossed....!

Better Moods...

2008-02-02T21:03:00.000-05:00

To say there were days that I have been in better mood, would be an understatement. Most likely it's hormonal, but I imagine there is more too it than that. Tired is a big part of it for sure. Maybe weary would be a better word.

Weary.

Doesn't that sound romantic?

A theroy was put to me today that I need to go "do nothing somewhere else" for a few days. Specifically a monestary was reccomended. So now I have to consider that.

Then there is PhD. I don't really think I want it that bad. I'm having trouble rallying to re-apply. Maybe I don't want this enough. Also, there is the issue of administration... should I do that instead. How simple would it be to be the designated bad guy...

Last night I dreamed someone held me. No face, and NOTHING ELSE, just held me. Waking up to nothing was devistating...

Maybe the monistary is a good idea.

Renew The Dream

2008-01-21T21:14:00.000-05:00

When I was in college, I closeted in Religion for a semester while I got my grades up enough to get into English (that's right, I was so bad!) and for that semester I took several religion classes. One of them was Religous Ethics. We had a very interesting set of discussions in that class. One of the most heated was about Martin Luther King Jr. and Malcolm X.

The crux of the discussion was that while I disagreed with Malcolm's religious beliefs and methodology, I had more admiration for him than Martin Luther King because MLK (as historical records have shown) did not truly adhere to his own moral tenants. Saying that the room exploded on this statement really wouldn't cover it. I'm lucky I was not killed... (honestly I was thinking lynched, but apparently that is a racially specific and charged term, so while it would be appropriate to this discussion I can't use it.) It was actually a good discussion when it was all said and done.

The thing is I wish I could go back and have it again, not because my opinion on that situation has changed, but there was more to the statement I wish I had made. MLK was a flawed individual and I think he was diefied before a complete picture of him was completed, however, his dream was real and his dream is achievable and nessesary for all that this country can and should become.

As a teacher I work with students of all colors. More importantly I work with students of all socioeconomic groups and cultures. As young people, while it is in different areas depending on ability, interests and strengths, they all have great potential. They all do. While I do not really agree with the plan or purpose of No Child Left Behind (we do not all learn the same at the same rate and holding the others back until everyone catches up is stupid!) the idea that every child has value is a real one.

Two weeks ago, a young man who had been my student, who was working on the possibility of getting into the Naval Academy, who I had also interacted with through camp, walked into an Arby's with a pellet gun pained black to look like an assualt rifle and held it up for just over $500 dollars. He's 18, and he happens to be african american. He was a smart alec in class, and he always slid by by the skin of his teeth. Several teachers and I tried to talk to him about seeing that he was so important to the future, that we needed him to be a role model to the young men coming after, that he had a future. Apparently he couldn't make his rent. He figured that this way no one would get hurt (it wasn't actually the weapon it looked like) and he wasn't supporting other crime (he didn't get a illegal weapon, unmarked, unregistered, etc) and it was just something to get by...

His life as he knew it is over. His potential is not ended, but it is altered and for the most part it is of little use to the rest of the world for sometime, if ever.

I beleive MLK and Malcolm X would weep most for the loss of that young man. Because I think the lies got to him. The idea that armed robbery was his only option. He bought into the concept that... well I don't know what, but somehow I found myself thinking about that today.

There are other dreams too, that I think of on a day like today. But most of all I think of the loss of the dream that was that young man.

Who's Stupid!

2008-01-20T20:23:00.000-05:00

OK, first of all watching Dawn of the Dead last night was a bad idea (and a somewhat bad movie to boot!) and made driving today in the post snowblown south a bit spooky. There was no one on the road this morning...

Which also means there was no one around to watch me make a fool of myself trying to open my car doors. They were frozen shut, or that's what I thought when I struggled and struggled to open them and they would not budge...

Then it dawned on me...

They were still locked!

Heaven help me!

Today's Joy

2008-01-10T21:29:00.000-05:00

Some days it is enough...

Most days it is enough...

Today it was enough...

The joy of others.

Engagements. Weddings. Babies. Jobs. Scholarships. Futures. Successful Outcomes.

Of others.

It's enough.

Today.

Nana is with me, today.

They took out that rotten tooth and she and I talked and she was the most lucid she's been in a month.

I could forget that I'm overwhelmed, and exhausted and terrified...

That May is coming and I don't know what to do or how I'm going to do it.

I reaveled in the hope and excitement of this coming summer. The old friends, comfortable relationships, new faces, new possibilities...

Today I am focusing on the joy of the others around me.

Today it is enough.

Lindsey and I were talking today. We talked about how much better I am, about how the therapy is helping, about how I was ready to grow beyond stuff, how God had a plan, a purpose.

We talked about how my heart is healing.

It is, and right now it is healing faster then my life is shredding it...

Sometimes I think that is possible because of the joy of others.

Today it is enough.

I'm praying it will be tomorrow, too.

The Visit

2008-01-06T20:43:00.000-05:00

While my mom was visiting, she made Nana hot chocolate. Nana was immediately smitten with this "amazing flavor of tea" and demanded that mom make sure and teach me how to brew it correctly. We were chortling about that for a week.

Mom and I had the one run in during her visit, it lasted several hours, but it proved something to me. I truly do not have to ride the roller coaster, I can just wave as she went by. I truly feel I did that. It kept things in perspective and it allowed me to enjoy my mother's visit.

With one exception.

My mother's visit to my classroom. I will never make this mistake again. In hindsight it was probably the funniest set of things to happen in my room in sometime, but for me, personally the event was heart stopping.

Mother came to help me conduct an academic conversation with my class about Romeo and Juliet.

First Period Mom was great until the end of the period. Well, there were a few interesting moments. She told my students that I would IM her while they were taking tests, she said "a^^" and even wrote it on the board! Then at the end of the period she began to talk about her own mental health experiences. She was quick to point out that the hormonal depression that was genetic in my family and that both she and Nana suffered from had skipped me. She also explained about her own suicide attempt when she was 14. Obviously it was not successful.

Second period (and I think I have mentioned this story already) Nana was in rare form. She was cutting up and mugging for the class. Honestly it was great. Mom takes this opportunity to explain that the reason there was so much violence in Romeo and Juliet's time was that everyone was walking around with weapons. She added, to the class, "that would be like if you were walking around with a bazooka, and you a grenade, and you an oozie..." and there was nervous laughter, and then mom adds, "of course statistically, only one of us probably has a weapon." I immediately raised my hand and said, "it's not me." More laughter. Mom added that it wasn't her. Nana hold her cane over her head and says, "it's meeeeee!" The fact that we were actually on lock down because of an unaccounted for intruder in another school in the county was not lost on me. Nana also took off her name tag and put it over her mouth in that class.

Third period was when mother really hit her stride. She drew a cartoon on the board and told the students that it was "two maggots making love in dead Earnest." When I told her to knock it off, she said, "fine if you won't play with me, I'll sit over here and play with myself." Then she told the class that she was getting me a shirt that read, "Let's be naughty and save Santa the trip." When I tried to brush if off, I commented to the class, "You can see who the most mature person in my class is..." and Nana again piped up, "It's meeee!"

At lunch with my peers, Mom went into great detail explaining to them about how her therapist thinks she has an inappropriate sexual relationship with me... Though, she was bright enough not to try the addendum about how therefore I must be inappropriate with others.

Like I said, in hindsight the whole thing was pretty funny. The fact that I didn't get fired was a miracle. I figure the kids thought she was so entertaining that they didn't want me to get in trouble and didn't tell. Either way, I was off the hook.

She was supposed to leave on Friday, and she ended up leaving the following Tuesday night. But it wasn't too bad. Like I said, I did in the end have a good time. Most important I got the pictures I wanted of the three of us together.

Why I haven't written

2008-01-03T22:01:00.000-05:00

There were so many stories I wanted to tell.

When I looked up from the counter of the hotel and noticed that my van, with Nana in it, was moving. Now I knew the keys were in the car and that it was on, but there was no driver. So I swore at the clerk and went racing out the door, my heart in my throat, to discover that my brother, the big jerk, had snuck up, gotten behind the wheel and driven off expressly to scare me witless. Did I mention he's a big jerk!

That Nana had one of her loopy phases and kept announcing that she needed to get home and putting on her coat when we were at my brother's apartment, so we hid her coat. She simply put on mine.

That the young man who did that horrific thing to me got fired, or he decided to leave, or whatever, but he's gone. Theoretically I never have to see him again. He e-mailed me to tell me this was a big "miscommunication" (he wasn't let go because of me, by the way, there was another issue) and I wrote him a detailed e-mail explaining why that was the dumbest thing I had ever heard and explaining in detail how he hurt me... I stood up for myself and it was a good thing.

That one of my dearest friends is engaged and I am so excited for her.

That once again everyone around me is getting pregnant and I'm afraid I am a fertility goddess... Which just confirms that I better be careful who I choose to be intimate with, I would probably get pregnant the first time, therefore...

Anyway, I wanted to talk about all of those things and more, but I can't.

Because.

Something is wrong. I don't know what, or why, or how to explain it, but there is. Maybe it has nothing to do with me, but something worries me that it does. I have this thing with paranoia, but that doesn't mean someone isn't out to get me... j/k.

What I mean is I think there is something wrong with someone I am friends with. I don't know if I did something wrong, or if they are hurting or if it's something completely unexpected, but I feel that there is something not right. But I can't ask or push. So I have to wait and see. That is really hard. (Update: Turns out I really am just a paranoid freak... Nevermind!)

Further, I fear that I am about to hurt another friend. Something that I thought would work, now seems that it won't, and I have to tell them. I am disapointed, and I think they will be too, but I know it's the right thing. Course, I also am still hoping they will be my friend and even help me out on another, but related cunundrum. How big a jerk does that make me?

Nana will probably go into a retirement home in May and I will be alone, at least till camp, provided I go, which might not work the way I wanted it to either. Being alone terrifies me in ways I can't explain and while I know this is the right step I feel so guilty for not being strong enough to keep Nana longer.

Then of course there is the general camp politics. People never do things the way I want them to, when I want them to. There is this really terrific opportunity in the north for camp, for my assistant for three weeks, and everyone agrees that it is a terrific thing, and they want it too, willing to go the extra mile and all that, but when "they get around to it..." and I want them to take care of it now, so it's settled.

Anyway.

All this, especially the paranoia, is why I haven't written.

Holiday

2007-12-26T23:06:00.000-05:00

So I've been in the central eastern, northern middle US visiting my brother, his wife and my folks (dad and step mom) for the Christmas Holiday. Hotel accommodations, rooming with Nana and just the differences in peoples lives/schedules have sucked a lot out of me. However, I promise (especially you, Jasmine) that I will be up and at it come Saturday when I'm home for good. There have been many stories from the 13th. There is how the whole whale debacle ended, Mother's visit, driving 13 hours with Nana, surviving in-laws, steps and fathers, and the great what to do about ailing canines discussion. Lots to share. Plus come January 2, I get a whole new batch of students, will be directing Romeo and Juliet and have to get my butt in gear and get a PhD in, not to mention my hope to run a 5K before camp.

So, by all means, stay tuned!

So it's come and gone...

2007-12-12T20:19:00.000-05:00

And I am 32.

This is what I know.

I am so blessed!

This weekend (and I'll talk about it later) brought to me how many wonderful people I have in my life. It's been something I've been seeing for a while now, I think I've even mentioned it before recently, but it bears repeating.

God has given me so much.

Mostly it is people that comprise my blessing. People who check on me, love me, accept me and are there for me. There are other things too, moments where I literally can see God's hand. This weekend I am also awed by his healing.

The desire of my heart, one of the two, maybe I should say, was granted this weekend and I am "still standing" to prove it.

As I stood in the glow of God's victory I was humbled by the people he has put in my life, the blessings they are.

I am about a third through my life. If the next sixty six percent is anywhere near as full as this past thirty three, I may be one of the richest women in the world.

I can't wait to see what else He has in store.

Here we go...

2007-12-06T20:15:00.000-05:00

Mom is on her way. She'll be here in the morning.

Honestly, I am excited. I'm looking forward to seeing her and can't wait to hug her.

Then there is also the part of me that is waiting with baited breath to see what will happen. How will it go. And most importantly...

What will she do.

Will she go through my personal things and meddle, say something horrific that I have to live with, hurt me, hurt Nana (not in the physical sense, I don't worry as much about that...) borrow more money.

How can one person evoke such conflicting reactions? What does it say about me that I can both adore and abhor someone at the same time.

For the most part Mom's visits go pretty well. Or they have as of late, it's usually the coda that makes them "memorable."

We'll have to see how it goes.

Today

2007-12-03T22:02:00.000-05:00

First and Foremost, today my dear brother is 29, for the first time. It is so funny to think of him as grown, highly educated, married and a minister when I also remember that bright eyed cheerful little boy in the blue sear sucker Easter suit.

Also today I was squeezing one of those stress balls, the kind that are covered with mesh so that when you squeeze it the ball gooshes out of the spaces like little blisters. Often the balls change colors on the boils. Anyway I had one that was pick with orange boils. It ruptured and my hand was covered with the gak that apparently fills these balls. The only person more surprised than me, was of course my students.

Then this poor kid fell asleep in third period. Kid was out cold. Bell rang for lunch and he didn't move. The class cleared out and this kid was still sleeping. I considered leaving him there, but that seemed mean, as he probably needed to eat. So when everyone was gone, I got down and said, rather loudly, "Long Weekend?" Kid jumped up spluttering, "I'm OK. Gotta go now. Um, bye!" Later he told me his baby sister was sick last night. I believe him.

That and we are studying Romeo and Juliet, Act 2 today. The famous balcony scene. In small chunks most of it is terribly romantic. All together the whole diatribe is the most sickly sweet and disgusting display of ridiculous and juvenile behavior. It is so funny to read. The class and I spent most of the period in stitches.

Today, was a good day.

20 Lashes...

2007-11-30T18:07:00.000-05:00

So I was grading papers in the middle school office and noticed the blood pressure cuff...

Sure, why not.

150/98.

Yeah, I'm in trouble.

So I need to go back on my meds, and I need to talk to a doctor about it again, I imagine.

I turn 32 in two weeks.

I am too young to feel this old, for my body to be this old. There are too many things I want to do. Too many things I am doing.

If you ask me how old I am I have to fight myself not to say 16. Except 16 year olds strike me as naive idiots. At least immature morons.

Some 18 year olds strike me that way too. Even a 20-something or too...

Sometimes me. I shouldn't have stopped taking the pills. That I can fix tonight.

God only knows about the danger to my heart. Hypertension is not a joke or a game.

Then comes the question. When Nana goes to a home in May, will this get better. I'd really like to believe this is not me. What do I do if it is?

And now I yelled at Nana.

20 Lashes with a wet noodle. Fat Free of course.

Knowing

2007-11-29T00:01:00.000-05:00

It has never been a secret to me that for most people I am a lot. It's that emotional lightning rod thing.

People, I imagine, find me amusing, entertaining, exhausting and a bit intense, if not at least a little crazy.

I worry about that. How I must scare and fascinate people.

Because I know the flip side of all this, the scared little girl who just wants someone to love her and for everyone to get along.

Why is that picture so hard for people to see?

It's really late, I'm really tired and with everything else, right now everything is making me freak. I am looking for hidden meanings in how long it takes people to e-mail me back and whether they do at all and what they mean underneath what they write. So, if this makes no sense, don't worry about it. I'm not sure it was supposed to.

Post Thanksgiving Nanaism

2007-11-24T17:28:00.000-05:00

Nana was on the phone with my brother and he was explaining that in the cold Chicago wind his face was wind burned.

Nana says, "If I told you a dirty joke your face would be really red... But I can't remember any dirty jokes anymore... Sandy, do I know any good dirty jokes? Do you know any good dirty jokes we could tell your brother to make his face even redder?"

Only my Nana!

Happy Holidays.

On a different note...

2007-11-23T22:08:00.000-05:00

A student sent me an e-mail yesterday about how he had gone looking on the Internet looking for good essays. He found one and just had to share it with me.

The e-mail he sent was one of the most hysterical things I have read in some time. Also, how cool is it that a student of mine was interested enough in what we've been talking about to go looking for it and critique as well.

Pardon me while I polish an apple on my shirt for a second.

This week Nana and I are babysitting two dogs that belong to a really great couple I know and their son. The dogs are Jack and Simon. Simon is a very old retriever/lab mix and Jack is some kind of small fluffy lap dog. The pair of them are a hoot. Jack helped me catch another mouse. Or more specifically, I caught another mouse in a sticky trap and Jack brought it and set it up on the couch for me. Wasn't that sweet?

Anyway, so for Thanksgiving we had a canine heard. Roo is not real keen on all of this, but Piper is in Dog Heaven. It's a good thing and Nana is amused if slightly confused. Counting to two was an occasional challenge for her. Four is down right difficult.

My cold is getting better and I still have two days before going back to work.

Good Day.

Taking One for the Team

2007-11-22T20:17:00.000-05:00

My dad called to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving. As we talked a while, he asked me what was wrong. Daddy's always know, I guess. Because I am doing better, I have a lot to be thankful for and I'm being made to see what terrific friends I have in the face of a huge betrayal, but I am not exactly OK, yet. Daddies always know.

So I told him. We talked. Dad said I shouldn't have to work with someone who treated me that way. He said I didn't have to take one for the team this time.

He told me a story about a woman he knows. Her son had several friends growing up. They had sleep overs at her house, she knew their parents, fed them, picked them up from things. As teenagers they broke into her house and robbed her. This happened many years ago and Dad said he could still hear true pain in her voice when she told the story.

The young man who hurt me is an Eagle Scout. I am ashamed to say that, as I don't want his actions to sully the accomplishments and honor of the others that I know that hold that distinction... And the hundreds I don't know who I am confidant are honorable young men. He had eaten at my table, slept on my floor, I had gone to his Eagle ceremony, had dinner with his parents, I had cared for this kid when he was injured.

He is on staff at camp. This year he is going to be the director of a very important new department. Theoretically I won't see him much, but, as the safety officer I will cross paths with him.

Several of the guys have said to forget about it, to focus on the other guys who are wonderful, who love me, and the good things about camp. They are right. That's what I should do, what I will do, what I want to do, but I keep thinking about what Dad said, about taking one for the team.

There is something I could do. I could write a letter, to the head of the people that run camp and explain that I am not comfortable with that person anymore and why. In the past, there have been people who said, "If they come back to camp, I go." I hate those people, and I don't want to be like that. Then I think about what Dad said and taking one for the team. I'm not sure what to do.

This weekend a friend and I talked about how I would react to someone hurting me. We were talking about something that happened to someone else and how they fought back. I said, "If that had been me, I'd have just gone home and felt small, and let it be." and she said she wasn't sure that was true, and then I said, "You don't think I would have just taken it?" and she answered, "Well, if it had been some one else, you would have fought to defend them, but if it was you, just you, maybe you would have just taken it..." Lately I have been working on standing up for myself. Especially with my mom, but more than that.

The question I keep asking is how much is necessary. Is waiting to see what happens, and there may be more that happens that has nothing to do with me, is waiting and/or not doing anything at all "Taking One for the Team." What constitutes standing up for myself that I haven't already done.

How can I be so thankful for so much, be so happy with so much, have so many people who do care about me and I love them for it, love them regardless, and still be hurt enough after forty-eight hours that my dad could hear it in just my voice even though I am sick and my voice sounds funny anyway.

I told my Dad by the time school started on Monday I would be fine. I mean that.

I will be.

Giving Thanks

2007-11-22T11:30:00.000-05:00

Thankful for the amazing people in my life that help me through, even when I am impossible. Lindsey, Stephen, LeeAnne, Polly, Dee, Beata, Lil' Bro, Daddy, Kay, Nana, Mark, Mike, Poje, my camp boys, the people of my church, at my school, Robin, Cindy, Adam, Jaimon, Amber, Mitzi, and the people in my "hometown" who were so wonderful to spend the time with me... not to mention all the families and loved ones of those people who loved them and supported them and helped them be the wonderful people they are...

Thankful for this beautiful apartment that arrived at the right time and the right price and has been a haven and home for well over three years.

Thankful for my job. The right job and the best place for me right now. Where I can make a difference and people notice if I'm not there... and call me to make sure I am OK.

Thankful for my dogs. Roo who loves me unconditionally, and Piper who loves Nana and plays with Roo.

New friends and new possibilities with older friends. Adam, Prospero, Tweak, Jasmine, Nikol, Marianne, and others...

Thankful for my health and even my body and they way it works and looks. It may not always be what I want, look like I want, but it is the body God gave me and it has served me pretty well when I have taken care of it...

Thankful for Nana and the lessons I learn from her every day. About patience and grace and thankfulness and service.

Thankful for my brother and my father who love me and continue to serve as true examples of Godly men.

Thankful to be a child of God.

Mostly, I am simply grateful.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Not Safe

2007-11-20T18:23:00.000-05:00

This past weekend was so wonderful. I came home feeling refreshed, excited and energized.

Now I feel violated and humiliated.

Facebook was something I always heard about, but wasn't really part of. Recently I got on it so I could keep track of a lot of the young people in my life and have a place to post pictures.

Someone, who I know through camp, thought it would be funny to post a picture of a whale lying on top of a person and say that it was a picture of me and another friend of mine (male) having sex. Several of my other friends pointed out that this was not really a funny joke and it should be taken down. It's been up nearly a week. The "photographer" has said to several people it's just a joke, all in good fun...

More than anything I am hurt. Not because of the implication that I have a sexual relationship with someone I don't. He and I flirt and are both comfortable with what our relationship is, so what's the point... It's the whale thing.

That is just cruel and unnessesary and it's not funny. Definately not something you do to friends.

Subsequently I have removed them from my friends list and blocked them. There is nothing else I want to talk to them about. Ever. True, they work at camp, but we are in different areas, and I just don't choose to have anything to do with someone who would do something like that, and further refuse to accept rebuke (by others, not even me, I have said nothing) and take it down. Maybe some of us make mistakes, but we correct them or appologize...

Worst, I hate like feeling a kintegartener sitting by myself in the sand box crying.

I went from feeling warm and loved yesterday to feeling unsafe today.

Not good, not fun, not right.

Going Home

2007-11-18T23:21:00.000-05:00

There is a definition of home, that I particularly like.

"It's the place that when you have to go there, they have to take you."

This weekend, I went home.

The thing that is so wonderful about this place is that not only do I know it, I knew the streets and noted the familiar and the changes, but that they always take me here. They make me feel loved and wanted and of value.

That's not to say that I don't have those things other places, everyday, where I live my life, but this place, though I have been away, over five years, I am still wanted and welcomed and loved.

It is a safety net, a place of comfort. It is home.

The people that make it up are special and unique and when my heart owns them, I feel I am owned equally by their hearts. That makes them family.

So this weekend, I came home, and tomorrow I will go back to may home, but I will be leaving home to do it.

I miss my home here.

Watching movies and talking, standing in church, Sunday lunch, dinner at Perkins, watching all these children grow up, and the hugs. The hugs especially.

It is a comfort to know that while it changes, life changes, that home is still here.

Pardon The Digression

2007-11-15T22:02:00.000-05:00

If you did not watch Grey's Anatomy tonight this won't make as much sense, but I'm having a moment and I had to put it some place. Bailey was complaining to Shepherd about being the great girl, with the terrific personality that the great guy who was her best friend over looked and took for granted. Probably because she was short, chubby and not as classically beautiful as others. She runs into that guy from high school now and he still treats her the same.

I know that feeling. I remember listening on the phone for hours to countless great guys talk to me about their lives and feelings and girls, helping them with their homework, projects, etc. They never saw me either. Yet I was always so grateful for the crumbs of them I got, desperately hoping that one day they would wake up one day and suddenly somehow, for some reason, see me. They never did. Not to mention that if they had I would have been so scared witless it would have caused my brain to explode (but that's another post and another neurosis...)

Now I do all kinds of things for young men all the time. Thankfully it's a teacher/big sister thing with no romantic delusions on my part. And for all that I love these guys, and have so much faith and hope for their future, I find that there are so many who are still willing to take and take for granted.

Maybe I haven't really learned anything.

Like the show said about how we are all still in high school, acting out the same stories and waiting for the same things that will never happen. Some days it feels that way.

Pardon the Digression.

Where it is.

2007-11-15T19:44:00.000-05:00

Today we did the fit test.

On cardio-vascular I was poor (but it had been a month...)
On flexibility I was average.
On upper body I was poor (And I maxed out at 25% of my body weight)
On abdominal I was good!

We decided that the reason I could not carry the litters at my WEMT class was because with me being so much taller, at the angle I was I was lifting disproportionate to the others. Now the dead lift of someone on my back, that was a real problem. I can dead lift 100lbs, but most people weigh more than that. Many of my younger campers don't which is why I can pick them up... Adults on the other hand...

So now we have five weeks to see what we can accomplish. This is how we will set a pace for next semester. There is a five K here where I live in April. That will be my goal. We'll see what happens. My trainer is moving, so I will go back to the one I had before, but I think that's a good thing. It's time for the change and she and I were at odds all the time anyway.

And that's where it is.

Breaking Rules...

2007-11-13T21:04:00.000-05:00

OK, I'm gonna break a rule, but she won't mind and this is hysterical. This is the note Lindsey left for me when I got home today.

Hi Sandy,
The dogs ate 3-5 Luna bars in your room while [Nana and I] were at Bible Study and subsequently threw them up in your room and in the hallway. I cleaned it up as best I could but there are still some visible spots. I put Resolve on the [supply/grocery] list. Anyways, if the dogs are acting funny, that's probably why.
~Lindsey

Did I mention I love this girl! I laughed so hard I nearly wet myself, then I saw the vomit "spots." OMG! These dogs did nothing small today! There are spots everywhere. Thankfully they don't smell like vomit. They smell like, you guessed it, LUNA BARS!!!! Peppermint and Chocolate mostly, but there are some other flavors thrown in there for good measure. I had a stash left over from my trip west for WEMT... Apparently the dogs found it.

I knew they were smart.

The carpet may never be the same.

Huh?

2007-11-12T21:18:00.000-05:00

Today I covered another teacher's class for forty five minutes. One student began to complain about another students studying habits. They were quick reviewing for a test. The complaining student had moved to the place where the oddly studying student was sitting. I looked at the little whiner and said,

"Your feet nailed to the floor?"

He answered,

"Huh?" Then he looked at his feet.

Another student looked up at him and said,

"She really is a teacher. She won't give you the answer straight, she makes you work for it."

The kid sat there for another moment and then said, loudly...

"Oh! I can totally just move!"

Ya think?

Chess Queen

2007-11-11T20:33:00.000-05:00

There has been so much lately, it seems, and in a lot of ways very little.

I think of the chess queen in "Through the Looking Glass" running as fast as she can just to stay in one place. Some days I feel like her. Except she seemed to accept that reality and so often I am fighting it. Somehow I doubt that I am that much busier than anyone else, I am just more vocal about it, or more noticeable.

Mostly I think it is that I am noticing more. More importantly I am participating more in my own life, I think. There is so much that I am no longer willing to accept.

As the next part of my counseling we are looking at all the traumatic events (over 50 of them) and isolating what those incidents taught me in terms of survival skills and how I dealt with the world. Honestly I thought just having to write the incidents themselves down was hard.

This is terrifying. It doesn't paint a pretty picture. The first time my mother hit me was because I wanted to play with a boy and she said he was dangerous. The fear of men that was instilled in that moment has been disastrous. How ironic that my mother is now completely frustrated by my lack of romantic prowess... Yet, these behaviors, choices are still my responsibility. I will not be like my mother and spend my life avoiding responsibility for my choices, blaming others for my lack of fortune... She may be the reason, but I will not give her the power that blaming her would.

So many of the people I care about are moving on in their lives. They are getting married, having children, going to do long term missions and I sit in this home, hiding behind Nana and words like care-giver stress to excuse the things I have not done.

The era of running as fast as I can to stay in place is ending...

It's time to kick it into overdrive and go somewhere.

Finished

2007-11-11T14:04:00.000-05:00

The children of our church had their musical program this morning. I was so proud of them and they did a great job. The church presented me with flowers and I appreciated the gesture. Really.

But I told the choir director today that I was finished. At least for the time being. I needed the time for me, to do Shakespeare, to take a break, to breathe, to think. I told the youth pastor the same thing.

So now that I am not doing a project and as far as church goes, in between projects, I feel a tremendous sense of relief.

Today, I am finished.

Ding Dong!

2007-11-11T07:20:00.001-05:00

The mice are dead, and as a bonus the lizard with 'em!

I'm now completely sold on these "sticky traps." It's a little plate of goo, the size of a piece of bread. Lay several out in the general traffic of the critters and then when they walk across it... Think tar-baby!

The only downside is that it doesn't actually kill them. All the mice I found were alive, but being permanently stuck that way they would slowly die/starve/dehydrate/whatever. So I just dropped the plates into a sink of water and then when I came back I could throw them out.

That part felt a bit cruel. It's not as fast (but also not as messy) as getting your neck snapped, but infinitely faster than the long death from previous listed issues. The first one, I could see his chest heaving, his heart was beating so fast and the squeaking! So I drowned them. I dropped them and ran away so I wouldn't see it and came back when they were sure to be gone. The lizard too... Apparently he came in to molt. I guess he's finished.

Nana was so happy to hear that the mice are gone. I will leave a couple of the sticky plates out, for a couple more days, just to be sure, but I think this was it.

Hopefully it will be at least a year before I have to go through it again. Mice by themselves may be cute, but

EEEEPPP!

One Down

2007-11-10T22:13:00.000-05:00

A long time ago, when I was a girl, in college, some of the girls and I decided to have a girls night. The guys in our lives (well the other girls' lives, there were no guys for me then either) decided two could play at that game and had a guys night. US girls watched movies, giggled, hung out, all good. The boys played video games and plotted to roll our cars.

The showed up and rolled our cars, put Vaseline under the door handles, stuck oreos to the windows and put flowers on the hoods. The night guard caught them and chased them into the next housing area. One poor guy was running so fast he didn't realize he was over a pool until he had fallen in it.

The boys as a group refused to admit they had anything to do with what happened. However, as individuals, alone with their girlfriends, they went down squealing like stuck hogs. So we compiled a list of culprits.

Then several of the girls and I created a four woman revenge squad. We slowly and systematically hit the car (and bike in one case) of the gentleman who had rolled us. The boys began to live in fear. We labeled each vehicle "X Down and X to go."

As of this evening, there is one mouse down, and at least one more to go... Though I have to say I got more satisfaction out of wrapping toilet paper around some poor guys car then killing a mouse.

It's a zoo!

2007-11-10T20:26:00.000-05:00

Two mice who refuse to be caught or die and

(drum roll please)

A Molting gecko lizard!

I live in a zoo!

I just bought out Publix entire store of traps... humane and otherwise...

This is war!

Crazy for the Mouse... or Mice

2007-11-08T21:28:00.000-05:00

Oh, they are going to die.

All of them, all the mice, their days are numbered! They better enjoy that peanut butter they keep eating out of the trap... The Reaper is coming!

I think I have found my new obsession...

Oh, yeah, baby! Ya'll gonna die

HA HA HA (Manically)

Endings, Beginings, and Temperature...

2007-11-08T16:49:00.000-05:00

My administrator came to see me today. I told my class (especially first period) that they could wear hats and stuff inside my classroom as with it being a poorly insulated metal building it was pretty cold and I had no intention of turning the heater on unless it was freezing. Ventilation heaters give me migraines in confined spaces. If they were warm, but I was a witch on wheels they wouldn't consider that a good trade off... But apparently parents called and complained today. Two sets. So now I have to use the heater at night to take the chill off, but I can leave it off during the day. OK. Fine.

A coworker forwarded this to me today. A male co-worker I might add. He thought it was pretty funny. I did too...

Being a Good House Wife

Also I got some awesome news yesterday about a couple things. One of those awesome things hit me like a ton a bricks, though. Not for the reasons I thought, but a ton of bricks none the less. My life is such an odd amalgam of people and experiences, but I have always lived a bit like a gypsy. Most of my friends have been able to accommodate that so far (often many of them live like gypsies too...). But one friend is leaving the ranks by next summer. For a good reason and I really am thrilled, but I think I grieved a little last night for the change that will come. Doesn't make us any less friends, nor would/will it, but things will change. It is a good ending, and a good reason for one, but it is an ending...

But also a new beginning.

Speaking of. I have an introduction to make. I've had some friends start blogging before, because they liked my blog, (check my blogrole, they're all there!) and now I have added another pelt, though from a very strange encounter and situation. I made a new friend when I was at WEMT class. It was strange how comfortable I felt with this young man, right away (though poor guy, as my patient, he died and as his patient I hit him...). It felt like I had found one of my camp boys, only he wasn't at camp. Though now he is going to be at camp, I think I've "kidnapped" him for three weeks this summer. He is totally the help I need, possibly along with one of "my boys" as well. I'm actually pretty excited about getting to work with him. Poor guy, he may not know what hit him when he get a load of our little operation, not to mention all my guys...

The point is, he has a blog now too. We'll have to see how he likes it. Being an EMT, a pretty cool person, and a genuinely nice guy, I think he'd have some cool stories to share.

The Hardest Job You'll Ever Love

Welcome to the blogasphere, Tweak!

Weird Day

2007-11-07T20:50:00.000-05:00

For the most part today was a good day. I got at least three distinct pieces of good news.

On the other hand.

I got body checked over five times in less than five minutes. One of them bordered on molestation! I repeat, I am a six foot three inch red head wearing a bright red oversized sweater... Can't they see me? Earlier this week a kid ran into my chest so hard I had a bruise! What is with these kids?

Then when I got home there was a MOUSE sitting on my kitchen counter. I have traps all over the house. What happened to the suicidal mouse gene? So I guess that one was just really depressed but the others are quite happy! They are surrounded by traps and so they decide to eat on my kitchen counter!

Oh, but three different people said I looked wonderful today, one my former crush even.

So weird, but good, day!

Not a good night

2007-11-05T22:22:00.000-05:00

Nana just woke up. She was in tears. She doesn't remember much of anything that happened today and she is afraid I'm going to leave her alone and also afraid that she is ruining my life. I held her while she cried. Then I tried to make her laugh and then I put her back to bed.

This is getting worse.

I keep thinking we can put off her going to a facility, but when nights like these happen I know it is closer rather than further away.

Some nights I think this might actually kill me.

It would be such a relief to not be responsible for her all the time. Then I think about my life with out her and it sounds so lonely and empty. I find myself scared and crying in the night too.

I told Nana if she went to sleep she will feel better in the morning. This is where I hope my advice is true, for both of us.

Good Night.

Sometimes more is just more...

2007-11-05T21:05:00.000-05:00

Whoever said two is better than one never discovered there was more than one mouse in their living room.

First can I say, EEEEEEEPPPPPPPP!!!!!

Not only did Nana not hallucinate a mouse, apparently there are at least two! I don't care how cute they are or how often my mother read me "Mouskin" books when I was a kid. Those rodents' days are numbered.

Oh, and one ran right past the dogs. Roo looked right at it and didn't even move or perk up her ears.

Coward!

Not cool. Not cool at all!

TKAMB and Good vs Bad

2007-11-05T16:47:00.000-05:00

I call To Kill a Mocking Bird, TKAMB. (That's right, an acronym...) The truth is I had never read the book until I had to teach it. Now I love it.

We had a great conversation in my class because of it today. The question of right and wrong and good and bad. While many of us can draw lines on right and wrong (though sometimes it is harder to figure out than I'd like) good and bad becomes more difficult. Today we were talking about the character of Mrs. Deboise.

This woman seemed awful. She said terrible racist things to the children. Yet Atticus, clearly good Atticus, respected and admired her. How does that work? We talked about Mel Gibson, and when we say the worst thing we can think of to someone we care about and then go back to the "I didn't mean it" later and whether or not that is really true. We talked about good people we knew that then surprised us with a not so good thing and whether that made the person no longer good in our eyes.

It was a really good conversation and I really enjoyed listening to my students today.

Recommitted

2007-11-05T05:53:00.000-05:00

Today is Day 1 on my new commitment to myself and my health.

Starting today I am at 2000 calories a day, even on weekends (though I may incorporate a bit of a break/reward in there somewhere once a week or so... but not a whole day and not the whole weekend!), I'm going to work with my trainer 3 times a week, giving it everything when I do, and starting in January I am going to go back to running. I am going to try to find a 5 or 10 K that i can do in the late spring, before camp starts as the achievement of these goals. Maybe I can go to my "hometown" and run with the alligators, if there is one there then, I bet I could find running partners...

"Recommitted and it feels so good..."

Soup, More Mice (!) and Fat Lady Singing!

2007-11-04T20:10:00.000-05:00

Hello Sunday!

Someone asked for the soup recipe, and I've posted that, before, so here's the link, though now I use chopped up crystallized ginger instead of ginger-ale and add about a cup of chunky peanut butter to dissolve, giving it a bit more Thai flavor, but it still works.

Orange Soup

So turns out Nana did not hallucinate the mouse. In my own defense she has imagined extra dogs, and people in the house before, so it's not like my assessment was cruel. I guess we have to go get traps. Hopefully that works better than it did at camp.

Also, and I can't remember if this was posted earlier, I am totally over my Crush. Seriously. I was surprised again to think about it this afternoon. Turns out my therapist was right. This so does not need to be a big deal. If I just recognize it, accept it for what it is and move on, it goes away and I am not crazy (er...) at all! Can you hear the fat lady singing?

And as a side note, I always thought facebook was really annoying. I joined this past week. It's not so bad and not as complicated or weird as I thought. I've even found some of my old students from Florida. They don't necessarily know that yet, and I may do nothing about it, but it's nice to see that they grew up... No significant disfigurements...

I am really looking forward to this week. Good things are coming I think.

Mice, Mayor's and Daylight Savings Time

2007-11-03T19:49:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I took the dogs to the kennel/groomer as they had to be there today between 8 and 9 AM for their annual grooming (I may love 'em but they have SO MUCH HAIR!!!) as they can get a bit matted this time of year without a little help. They went last night as there was no way I could get then there in that window this morning, so I simply boarded them so they would be there in the morning (Don't I sound decadent, jaded and spoiled?) The point is, they weren't home last night. It was a bit odd without them and Nana especially was seriously out of whack.

This afternoon, after getting back from all my morning appointments, I happened to notice Roo's water dish in the corner of my room. There was a dead mouse floating in the bowl. EEEP! Poor thing. It's hair was still dry and fluffy above the water, but it was quite dead. Nana saw me throw it away and became obsessed with the issue. She has announced that there is another one, "looking for it's mama," in the living room that apparently has run all over, only when I was not in the room. She's been talking to it all afternoon. I have no idea if that's her way of compensating for the loss of the dogs for the day...

The whole thing made me think of that joke about the mouse that fell into the bowl of cream. The mouse just kept paddling until it churned the cream into butter and then it was able climb out.

Further, I emailed a newer friend today and asked about their business e-mail address. They said it was OK as long as I didn't send anything I wouldn't send to the mayor... or anything a normal person would wouldn't send to a mayor, but I'm definitely not normal so... Poor person, they only just met me and I think they got my number, I am definitely not normal... but they should also be warned, they might be mortified to know what I could send to a mayor considering the X-mas present I gave to Mark, the summer before last (I think there is a blog about that some where back about it, Christmas in July, not for the easily offended).

Lastly, today is the last day of Daylight Savings. It's not that I am sensitive (well, I am, actually, but not about this kind of stuff...) or that it matters, but I so wanted to find that jerk from my WEMT class and point out to him that I was right! And no, it's not just the way of the south, but everyone in America has the new DST time! No, I'm not bitter at all.

Oh and having retrieved the dogs, looking much thinner with all the "dead hair" brushed out, and exhausted for their journey, Nana is admonishing them to swiftly excise the dreaded mouse (oh how soon she forgets the four footed furry thing that was her company all day in the light of her old friends... fickle, fickle old woman.)

Actually this past summer there was this mouse in my clinic and I could not catch it. The Director of the Nature Lodge said smart people get smart mice... now my mice are drowning themselves and hanging out with Nana... does that mean I'm not so smart anymore, suicidal or senile? Who knows. Maybe I should start putting cream in Roo's water dish.

I'm seriously going to revel in that extra hour of sleep (I think I have it coming!) tonight. It might almost make up for having to do children's musical rehearsal tomorrow after church.

Now, should I send this blog to the Mayor?

Sabatoge

2007-11-01T19:10:00.000-04:00

So today was a long day. I start teaching at 7:20 every morning. I usually get to work at about 6:35. That means I leave home no later than 6:00. I get up anywhere between 5:00 and 5:30.

This morning I woke up at 7:40. Do the math...

I had decided to make lunch for everyone at work. There was to be a big pot of chilly, my "orange soup" and chicken soup. Luckily the first two were done last night and already set up to go...

Then I had an off day... Though a friend of mine pointed out if I laugh this much on a bad day, maybe I don't really know what a bad day is... Maybe there is something flipped in my head? God only knows,

Anyway!

Then I went to work out and I did my cardio and the trainer and I started to talk. We talked for an hour. She has a theory. Not sure how I feel about it. She feels I am not really giving this my everything and that I am sabotaging myself and holding myself back. OK.

I think she is right.

This WEMT thing was a real eye opener for me in some ways. For the most part in my life there is nothing that I want to do that I can't do... But in the class I just couldn't do the things I wanted to do. My head was in the game I had the knowledge, but when push came to shove I couldn't do the physical stuff. It didn't ruin the trip, I'm glad I went, but, well, it was humiliating. They were all so nice and encouraging and supportive, and so many of them were in bad shape as well, and of everyone there I could do the least physically.

So my trainer and I are going to re-evaluate and try again. We are starting over. Friday we are going to redo all my baselines and see where we are. Monday I go back to 2000 calories a day, everyday, no exceptions until I go to see my brother for X-mas.

The questions remains though, as to what I really want and am I ready to get it? I turn 32 in a bit over a month. It should be time already...

Not Crazy

2007-10-31T22:21:00.000-04:00

It's that stupid ants under my skin thing. I just have to wait this out... Sometimes I'm right and it's important and sometimes I am just nuts. My gut says this one is real, but it usually does.

Does this make my insane?

Why do I have this kind of reaction to things?

The scariest question is whether I was made to do this... Is this premonition ants and skin thing some kind of weird gift? Then why is it wrong sometimes but also sometimes right?

I need to go to bed. I have to work out tomorrow.

Maybe it's just Halloween?

That's how we do it where I'm from...

2007-10-31T20:11:00.000-04:00

Everyone was so very nice at my W-EMT class. There were 13 of us there. 5 were from one county EMS system, 2 were from another professional EMS system, another pair was from a volunteer system, one was a medical student who worked Search and Rescue and Ski Patrol, one was an instructor of EMT's and one was a corpman from a sniper unit in Iraq, newly home. Then there was me.

There are a lot of stories I suppose. Where to start.

(Begin at the beginning and when you get to the end stop....)

To begin with, I had set up to rent a small utility vehicle. I ended up with a huge (not my pick, by the way, they couldn't find the keys to the car I was supposed to have...) Chrysler SUV with less than 10 miles on it. It was huge and nice, but huge and not really what I was used to.

The first night when I got there I was so amazed that I hadn't gotten lost on the way I didn't believe I was in the right place. I entered the lodge and asked if this was the lodge. The poor folks in the building at the time were students themselves and not really sure of my question. Eventually we all got on the same page and thankfully they helped me with my luggage. They asked me about the car...

The next day we started class. We started with lecture and then moved into practical simulations with moulage on patients to simulate injuries. The first one was a fall with a laceration and rib fracture. I was a rescue worker on that one (as opposed to a patient). This time a had a partner and she was much more experienced than I. It was kind of a sink or swim thing as I was a bit rusty on my assessment, so I had to explain to her that I was not a moron, just out of practice.

The next exercise I was the patient. I was a Gun Shot Wound (GSW) victim who was "guppy breathing" on the ground. Apparently my blood pressure was through the roof, which I have decided to attribute to guppy breathing on the ground for nearly ten minutes. Oh, and the altitude.

Then we had our first big simulation. I was a worker, but not a lead. When we got to our simulated rock climbing accident, one guy was hanging from a rope bleeding arterial from his femur and the other had suffered a severe head trauma and was on the ground unconscious and vomiting. I was helping with the puking kid. We back boarded him and cut his shirt open. I began respiration, but that meant I couldn't really breath into the mask (the guy wasn't really dead...) and then I noticed I was all by myself. The others were all working on the other guy. Meanwhile the second simulation had started and that set of patients were screaming bloody murder. This poor guy on the board must have been freezing (he had his shirt cut off and I was blowing on him...) Actually he was laughing because the other team's girl screaming didn't exactly sound like she was in pain so much as well, um, not in pain, and also instead of blowing away from him, I sort of (and I didn't mean to) kept blowing across his nipple until I figured it out and stopped. Then he "died." So we kind of declared him and went to work on our other guy (all together... no rest for the dead.)

That night I went to the grocery store I found first in town. Apparently it was designed by a schizophrenic. It had three or four (or more) different sections, none of which corresponded to the normal distribution of a grocery store. I needed a dramamine after I left for the disorientation. then I came back all set to make BLATS (Bacon, Lettuce, Avocado, Tomato Sandwiches...) but the bigger group invited me to have dinner with them. It was pretty good. then I tried to read over fifty pages before I went to bed.

The next day we did more simulations. We talked about spine stabilization and how to carry people. I hid under a truck to prove the point that I could think of interesting and challenging scenarios. I was also a combative patient with a broken clavicle. That evening I went into town again, though this time a couple guys came with me so I wasn't by myself.

The next day we had big simulations again. This time I was the patient. I had a dislocated shoulder and pretty ugly, contaminated hand evulsion of sorts. Also I was supposed to be having an Acute Stress Reaction. Further, I was told to give everyone else Acute Stress Reactions until someone fixed my shoulder. Meanwhile the other patient was impaled on a helicopter blade. The stripped him down and poor guy was suffering from real hypothermia before we were done. When I was "healed" I went to help with that case. By then I had pretty much ticked everyone off with my crying, screaming and carrying on... But the fact that I actually fell firmly on my but during the whole escapade mollified many.

That night we drove into town to go to Walmart. I didn't go in, I used the time to talk on the phone where I had service. But it was nice to get out.

The next day we learned about snakes, bites and helicopters. We all went out that night to a Mexican restaurant that put Parmesan in everything... I think that is weird. One of the guys kept asking about daylight savings. I explained that it was moved back, by an act of congress. He didn't believe me. He said, "We'll you're from the south..." Like we are some foreign country. Oh no, he didn't!

On Sunday I was his patient with constipation. First he asked if I could be pregnant. I told him it was possible. Then he asked me about birth control and then asked me about my sexual activity. I was really getting tired of this jerk.
We took the test and during the wait on the simulation I snuck in and checked my (and several others) scores just so I could enjoy te sim without stressing the test. I passed, so did all the people I enjoyed time with...

Then we ran the last sim. The jerk was my patient, a hiker caught in a flash flood with hypothermia and a broken pelvis. So I did what I needed to, I cut him out of his wet clothes (exposing him to the 35 degree weather in nothing but wet underwear) and bound up his pelvis in such a way that apparently pinched several important parts. Then we packaged him and carried him the half mile out. When he complained to me about his treatment later, I smiled and answered, "That's how we do it in the south."

Was that wrong?

Seriously, the class was a blast. Like summer camp for grown-ups and
I wish it had been a week longer. On the way home I called my crush at work to make sure my classes were covered the next day. He mistook me for a girl he had met the weekend before, but been to drunk to catch her name before he gave her his number. It was a rather odd conversation. Until I knew the details as to why, just this morning, I didn't know why hew was so strange on the phone... Now I do...

Tomorrow I really do go back to my work outs. I imagine I will be seriously sore. So to put it off I am cooking winter soup, chili, and chicken noodle soup for school tomorrow, just because.

Also I still have this issue on my mind which makes me feel crazy. I'll have to see how it works out. Hopefully I am not as crazy as I think. We'll see.

Boo!

2007-10-31T05:31:00.000-04:00

Happy Halloween!

I'm not wearing a costume today, I decided, but I have a cute sweat-shirt my step-mother gave me for the occasion and I am going to wear that with jeans. Then I am going to read ghost stories to the class.

No candy though. Thank You!

Stay safe, everyone and remember...

Spook only when you are spooken to!

Happy Halloween!

Prayer Request....

2007-10-30T23:37:00.000-04:00

Quick time out.

If you think about it, pray about God's will in something during the month of November. No one's hurt and it's not a matter of life or death, but I've just got this kind of feeling about something and I need to work it out... I'll let ya'll know how it works out.

Sorry I can't be more specific, but I promised I wouldn't tell, even on the blog.

Thanks,

~Sandy

No Way!

2007-10-30T22:55:00.000-04:00

As part of an exercise for my Teacher Support Specialist class (four hours every Tuesday from 4:30 to 8:30PM YIKES!) we had to be blindfolded and led through a maze of chairs only by someones voice. Can I jut say that right now my shins hurt.

I had the best time, but I used my hands to check my surroundings.

The kids were glad to see me back at school, but they complained about the cold. After literally spending the last week watching people turn blue from hypothermia, I wasn't particularly sympathetic. Besides, I am my own personal furnace. Seriously. My hands were burning hot all day...

I have to go to the gym tomorrow. I figure my sore muscles will be my trick for the evening as it's been almost two weeks. At least without the altitude I won't sound like an asthmatic hacking up a lung... Seriously, I will never call the elevation where I live mountains again. After the North West, I see I knew squat all about mountains!

Happy Halloween!

By the way I am working on creating categories for posts, they aren't complete yet, but I'm getting there.

Drinking from the Carton

2007-10-30T05:58:00.000-04:00

Milk just tastes better that way. That's all there is to it. I don't know why. Carton's taste better than jugs, and cartons that open out taste better than the ones with the opening spout on one side.

Once, right before my mom left she caught me (at 14) drinking out of the milk carton in the fridge. She laughed and said that my brother and father and I deserved each other because we all did it.

I have it on good authority that this from the carton thing is a male trait. Maybe. But it still just tastes better that way.

Once, one of the boys at camp caught me (in my refrigerator, not a food service jug...) and laughed. "Now that is sexy," he said.

There is a competition at camp called the gallon challenge. Who can drink an ice cold gallon of whole milk the fastest before they start violently puking. It strikes me as a rather stupid game, though I can think of worse, and one of the reasons is because they are wasting milk at it's best...

Straight from the carton!

Oh, by the way. Home from my W-EMT class and I passed! Everyone else there... EVERYONE!... was so much better at this stuff than I was and I was totally outclassed, but it was still really cool and I learned lots. A couple of the folks there I hope may even be real friends now. Really terrific folks...

Worlds Colliding

2007-10-27T23:37:00.000-04:00

Sometimes it seems like I live in several very separate worlds and they occasionally are at extreme odds with each other.

I have my life in education, medicine, caretaking, church and of course camp and they are very different places inhabited by very different people. All of these worlds are very important to me. They make up so much of who I am in my entire world...

Being here with these awesome people who are rescue workers, fire fighters, ski patrol, EMT's, Paramedics, Instructors, Research fellows, PA's, Truck Drivers, and lots of other things as well, fathers, husbands, friends, family, deacons, local city councilmen, and chefs it is so clear to me that the kind of people who do what we do are so very diverse and yet in so many ways so very similar. These are good people. Their education, religion, background and interests are so different, but we are all here to learn the same thing, how to help others who are a long way from help.

It's late, I'm tired and I imagine that is why I am finding myself rather philosophical...

I look up at this very clear, very cold, very beautiful night sky, the same one I sit in the amphitheater and look up at late at night in the warm summer nights of camp and see the same stars. The world is so very small, in a good way, I think. It feels very safe and warm... Even with all these different worlds colliding...

Death by Acronym!

2007-10-26T20:47:00.000-04:00

This wilderness EMT thing is awesome. Seriously. Awesome. I am having a blast.

Just one thing.

Acronyms.

There is an Acronym for everything in the medical world.

TBI = Traumatic Brain Injury

ICP = Inter Cranial Pressure

MOI = Mechanism of Injury

FOOSH = Fall Onto Out Stretched Hands

There is also FOAM, BEAM, STOPEATS, and quite a few more. They are starting to make me a bit crazy IYKWIM... If you know what I mean!

Anyway.

I'm learning lots. The people here are from such diverse backgrounds, though I am from the farthest away. Most of these are at least Northerners, all are Westerners. They are very welcoming, and not condescending or belittling at all. I knew that was unlikely, but still, who knew for sure...

Today I got to be a severe trauma patient for a massive rescue simulation. I Dislocated my shoulder and tore my hand up in a huge Helicopter Crash. I was suffering additionally from severe ASR (Acute Stress Reaction) until they "reduced" my injury in field. Sufficed to say, when I am supposed to have AMS (Altered Mental Status) from stress I can be pretty DIC (Disoriented, Irritated and Combative.) The poor EMT assigned to me was really pressed to be sure.

Well.

TTFN!

What was I thinking?

2007-10-22T20:19:00.000-04:00

Cold Feet have set in.

Going over this list of "supplies" for my wilderness EMT class has got me panicking like a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. Everyone else seems to think this is very funny. That is not really comforting.

There is a part of me that figures I'll be OK and that it won't be so bad. Then there is the pigtail side of me that is screaming about choking, failing, falling and making a fool of myself.

How ridiculous is this?

Granted at this point I have spent more on equipment and gear than the cost of the course and my plane ticket.

Helmet, head-lamp, water-bottles, captain's chairs, power bars, socks, boots, synthetic apparel, gloves, hats, bedding, and all kinds of other little things...

What was I thinking?

I am going to be fine. I am going to have a great time. This is going to be OK. My fears will seem silly in hindsight...

Isn't it funny that someone who has been through as much as I have can still be as big a coward as I am?

If I were king of the forest....!

Seriously.

Relief

2007-10-19T20:34:00.000-04:00

I'm free! I'm free! For the next 10 days, no school!

Except for the classes that I am taking.

My assistant principal thinks I'm nuts. He's not wrong. But I am excited about my frontier adventure in the Western Wilds with (fingers crossed) big burly rescue minded gentleman...

For all that I really like this group of kids this year, I am happy for the break and I breathed more freely as they left my trailer for the last time for the next ten days.

I find my self wondering if I will miss people at work... Crushes as work, but people in general. I've become closer friends with so many at work lately. It's a good thing.

I'm free! I'm free!

What?

2007-10-15T21:29:00.001-04:00

So I was at Kroeger's shopping for a couple ingredients for this soup I like to make and had decided spur of the moment to put together and I bumped into a scout master that I know from camp. We started talking, about camp things, and we walked toward the door.

He's a nice guy. Bigger guy, huge grey beard and a big smile. Anyway, we were talking about camp-outs and his troop and he handed me his card and told me to call him and he would make me dinner and we'd watch a movie. He added that he had about 600. For some reason I thought we were still talking about scouts and camping and that he meant 600 scouts! I said sure. He smiled real big then. I added that we aught to talk about me working with his boys sometime on First Aid and CPR... He said,

"We'll get to that eventaully."

And that was when I knew that I had actually tentatively accepted a date. Now I'm the one with his card and I'm supposed to call/e-mail him. First of all, not how I do things, but I don't want to hurt his feelings. Secondly, well, not what I was thinking of when I met him. Though I am trying to keep an open mind...

How do I manage to do this stuff? I really am dense.

Isn't that just me?

Nanaism

2007-10-13T18:43:00.000-04:00

"So if you ever come home and can't find the dogs, it's because I ate them."

OK, Nana. Make sure to take small lady-like bites.

Giggly School Girl

2007-10-11T19:31:00.001-04:00

Crush spent almost two hours working on the components of a practical joke on me. It didn't quite work out the way they wanted it to, but I couldn't help but smiling all day to think that I inspired this in him and that I was on his mind all evening the night before.

How silly is that?

I'm so glad I have perspective on this. I haven't had this much fun with a crush since high school.

It's nice. He really is a great guy and I enjoy his company. Hopefully we will be friends a long time. Something tells me we will. Even after this crush nonsense is long over. It will pass I am sure.

But I am enjoying the giddies in the meantime.

giggle

So I told her

2007-10-07T09:35:00.000-04:00

I called my mother this morning to explain to her that while she was welcome at my house, because of the things she said on Friday I was not comfortable with her being here alone with Nana. The premise of her being here while I am gone is so that I won't worry and now, frankly I will worry more, so...

Mom said she was hurt, and that she was busy anyway so she just wasn't coming at all. I guess that's fine. I really had been looking forward to her visit, with the exception of the vacation issue, so I am disappointed, but I understand. It must have been an awful thing to hear. It is the closest I have come to outright saying I don't trust her. Which, is more true than not.

I suppose I should be proud for standing up on this one.

But I'm not. Not this morning. Maybe not for a long time.

I'm sorry, Mom, but I had to. Forgive me, but I just couldn't handle it, otherwise.

I still love you.

Do you ever wonder...

2007-10-06T22:14:00.000-04:00

My mom asked me Friday, on the phone, as we were discussing her plans to come visit and help take care of Nana while I am on vacation,

"Do you ever think about just not giving Nana her medications?"

No, Mom, I don't. I never think about that. Frankly I am disturbed and disgusted that you do. Especially when you add to the discussion your feeling that it is a shame that all of Nana's assets will go to pay for her health care costs over the next ten years and how that isn't fair because her family, aka you, should get it instead.

Today I am ashamed to be your daughter. You are no longer welcome to be alone with my grandmother.

You can visit, but I will be here while you visit.

Just so we are clear.

My grandmother will not go home until God takes her and not a day or minute before and not because of your machinations.

No, Mother, I never wonder.

This Morning

2007-10-04T18:39:00.000-04:00

He texted to appologize. Then we spoke on the phone for a bit. Maybe it was the sleep deprivation, but I think he meant it when he appologized again.

And every time it happens I say next time that will be it, no more friendship.

This time I caved, but at least I said something.

Maybe next time I will carry through the rest of the way.

Maybe it won't happen again.

Is this co-dependence or is this growth. I don't know the answer.

Oh, and I spoke to the other him for an hour after work today. We talked so long it made me late to my work-out appt. I didn't care. It was so nice to just spend time with him. Maybe having someone else to talk to, to fill that void makes it easier to stand up to the other problem. Maybe it will be enough if next time comes.

We'll see.

So I am an angry coward. Great.

2007-10-03T21:25:00.000-04:00

He did it again. He called me that word.

I promised myself if he did it again that would be it.

Instead I explain why I was angry.

He explained that he was trying and he would try to be more concious of the issue, and he also gave the excuse that it was a common word in his generation and this is me taking it personally.

So tonight I am angry at him and at me and I think I might be angrier at myself.

It's not fair that because he's an idiot that I could lose a friend. How is that fair? Why do I want to be friends with someone this stupid? How can I love someone like that? What does it say about me?

Why do I try to defend him to others who want to know why I put up with this?

And then there are all the times when he is such a great friend and the fact that he is still learning and growing and this is just hard and complicated and I just want him to stop calling me that under any circumstnaces.

Being a Grown-Up

2007-10-03T18:35:00.000-04:00

This afternoon I was talking to a new teacher who was feeling a bit over-whelmed. One of the major concerns was feeling like they were flying by the seat of their pants all the time. I found myself laughing at their quasi-despair.

Another veteran teacher and I were talking about it later (gracious, doesn't that make us sound old, VETERAN!!!!) and what we told this very frustrated teacher.

First, all new teachers go through "The Dip," that time when reality kicks in and we feel overwhelmed and despair of our ability to get through to the children.

Second, contrary to popular theory, grown-ups do not have it any more together than anyone else. We frequently fly by the seat of our pants and just as often "fake it." Why should teaching be any different than the rest of the world?

Maybe being a grown-up is the moment that you realize that?

What a funny little song

2007-10-01T19:13:00.000-04:00

But I love it for some reason. It appears in the movie "The Doctor" with William Hurt. He plays a doctor diagnosed with cancer who has to come to face his own humanity and mortality. Elizabeth Perkins is another cancer patient, though terminal, who helps him through it. They dance together on the plains in one scene, just feeling a moment, to this music. The words are even stranger than the melody, but I just love it.

Strange Angels, by Laurie Anderson

They say that heaven is like TV
A perfect little world
that doesn't really need you
And everything there
is made of light
And the days keep going by
Here they come Here they come
Here they come.

Well it was one of those days larger than life
When your friends came to dinner
and they stayed the night
And then they cleaned out the refrigerator -
They ate everything in sight
And then they stayed up in the living room
And they cried all night

Strange angels - singing just for me
Old stories - they're haunting me
This is nothing
like I thought it would be.

Well I was out in my four door
with the top down.
And I looked up and there they were:
Millions of tiny teardrops
just sort of hanging there
And I didn't know whether to laugh or cry
And I said to myself:
What next big sky?

Strange angels - singing just for me
Their spare change falls on top of me
Rain falling Falling all over me
All over me
Strange angels - singing just for me
Old Stories - they're haunting me
Big changes are coming
Here they come
Here they come.

Perspective

2007-09-29T16:39:00.000-04:00

Therapy intervenes.

This is the part where it gets pointed out to me that crushes are normal, I am normal and a crush is not a bad thing. Further there was a lot said to the effect that men and women are designed to be attracted to each other, in most male female freindships there is an imbalance of romantic attraction and that most effective adults simply acknowledge the feelings and then press on.

The therapist and I discussed what my options were. Discontinuing contact is not the answer nor a reasonable option considering the situation. IT wouldn't be fair to him, either, he didn't do anything wrong. Neither did I. Neither am I.

My therapist wanted to know why the idea of having a crush on someone was an idea that had me panicking and in tears. At first I wasn't sure. Still not really, except to say that crushes never work out for me. The idea that I find someone interesting garauntees they don't think of me as anything but a sexless, benevolant aunt. That is so good for my ego by the way.

So I am trying to look at this positively. I am going to learn to deal with these kinds of issues with out having nervous break downs and crying jags. We'll see how it goes. In the meantime, while if he was a girl and we were just friends it would be appropriate, I will not invite him to dinner.

But I will enjoy the friendship and not panic in the meantime.

Perspective.

God, Help me!

2007-09-28T21:40:00.000-04:00

"You are not arrogant, you are just really honest and you know what you can do."

"I wish I was more like you."

"I really admire that about you."

Stupid boys who have no idea what they are doing to my insides need to shut up.

No, you cannot be my writing partner, cannot direct shakespeare with me, cannot sit down and talk to me about what I know about literature.

Not a good idea.

I don't care how nice you are, how sweet you are, how earnest you are. You are playing with fire and you don't even know.

They don't see me as a woman and they don't think about what they do to me.

Oh, and he graduated from high school in '01. I'd been teaching for 2 years! He could have called me Miss X! Oh, heck no!

I am in so much trouble.

Trusted friend texts, "Go 4 it."

What an idiot! Another stupid boy. I am surrounded by stupid boys.

Why does this happen to me?

Crush

2007-09-27T18:39:00.000-04:00

There is a good possibility that I am nursing a growing crush on someone. This is not a good thing. These things never end well and my heart always seems to get ripped to pieces. Often without the crush even ever knowing so they go on being a good friend. That makes it worse and all the more dysfunctional. Seeing it coming doesn't even help. I can't seem to stop it.

So I called a trusted friend and asked him to slap me stupid. He seems to think this is a good thing and laughed jovially. When I am in tears at three in the morning I'm calling his but, let me just tell you. We'll see how funny he thinks it is then.

This is going to be a problem, I can just tell. That's why I've avoided this situation, successfully I might add for years. No the previous situation does not count, it was not, nor ever will be a crush or true romantic entanglement it was just loneliness, stupidity and boundary issues. But that's the point. That wasn't a crush and see what a mess it was? Exactly!

This is going to be a disaster. God must find me really amusing. Here, let me put a jester hat on to complete the look.

Are you kidding me?

2007-09-26T22:31:00.000-04:00

Monday greeted me with two parent emails.

The first was anonymous. You cannot be serious. What kind of ridiculous parent e-mails a teacher anonymously. What a moron. They were e-mailing to "inquire" aka complain about my vocabulary quizzing methods. My gut was to beat them like a rented mule verbally until they bled from every pore. Now, obviously, that is not what I did. I found an administrator. He recommended being positive and enforcing the idea that I do not punish students for moronic parents. So I did. However I had a long talk with all my classes about asking questions, why I was doing things the way I was and I may have mentioned that receiving anonymous e-mails tended to make me felt like I was being stalked. Hopefully that should clear up the issue.

The other e-mail was from a parent who is a teacher in my county. They were reaming me because I was forcing to make their child read obscene filth and further denying them their right to read the bible continuously in my class. This parent quoted three (count 'em) three passages of the students rights code at me. They also threatened to meet with meeting with the principal if I was not reasonable on this issue. So I being the reasonable god fearing individual that I am said... "Whatever you want. You tell me... That's fine!" Oh then the tune changes. I was wonderful. Further, I was the teacher and therefore he trusted me to pick what was best and necessary for his son.

The part that kills me was that by Tuesday afternoon a different student came and asked me if it was true that they could read The Left Behind Series in place of To Kill a Mockingbird. I think I threw up a little bit in my mouth. It is such a sad balance.

Parents are so crucial, and there are a lot of good ones out there. I've met them. It just seems like none of them are ever the parents of my students... That's not true. There have been some good ones of those too, it's just...

Really nice guy, new teacher at our school. I showed him my conundrums for the day. He laughed. He said it was nice to know that there there were always going to be pains in the butt, even after his first year. His laughter helped me keep the whole ridiculous mess in perspective.

But, still, are you kidding me?