My students had a rude awakening today.
They thought that a "fun" assignment meant that they could show up, giggle, and goof off and that it would essentially be a free day. Oh my, were they wrong.
The first student or "witness," who played a character from "The Red Headed League" who didn't know the story well enough to answer a rather basic question, ended up being a bit embarrassed when I jumped in to help cross examine them.
There was a lot of rapid skimming and studying going on in all three classes.
I'd feel bad about flustering kids, but they need to learn sometime, better while with me than when it really matters, right?
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Monday, August 27, 2007
L.A. Law
Today in class my students read "The Red Headed League" by Sir Aurthur Conan Doyle. It's a Sherlock Holmes mystery. There has been something I have always wanted to do with this story as it is a bit dry. But until now my students were not uniformly advanced enough to pull it off.
I had the student take parts and tomorrow they are going to try the character of Duncan Ross for attempted robbery.
One problem.
These kids had no idea how a trial works or what a prosecuting (or defence) attorney is. Seriously.
Didn't they ever watch L.A. Law, Night Court, Law and Order, The Practice, my gracious what is this world coming to when kids can't even learn about our judicial system from television anymore!
Boy I can't wait to watch this in the morning.
I had the student take parts and tomorrow they are going to try the character of Duncan Ross for attempted robbery.
One problem.
These kids had no idea how a trial works or what a prosecuting (or defence) attorney is. Seriously.
Didn't they ever watch L.A. Law, Night Court, Law and Order, The Practice, my gracious what is this world coming to when kids can't even learn about our judicial system from television anymore!
Boy I can't wait to watch this in the morning.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Prodigal
What a word. Prodigal. It evokes such powerful images. The idea of throwing love and protection back in a loved one's face and leaving only to come running back in anguish from the world outside and the ruin we've created to fall forgiven into the arms of the one we rejected.
And yet it is so often abused. The idea that we are all prodigals of God's love and he will take us back does not mean that we get to run away because we know he will take us back. Being the prodigal does not erase the responsibility of what we do, before or after we are forgiven.
It is so frustrating to me when people want to lean on this idea of being the prodigal to erase their poor choices. If a young person runs away from home and does drugs, or commits a crime, or gets pregnant, they can still come home, be forgiven and be loved, but they still have to take responsibility or face the consequences of those actions. Asking for forgiveness is not a way to avoid or run from our actions or their repercussions.
God forgave David for his actions with Bathsheba and for killing her husband. That forgiveness was total and unending. The responsibilities, though, the death of their son, and the knowledge of what they had done, that was still there. The forgiveness is not that the sin is erased from existence, but that we don't have to pay the eternal price for it. The worldly one, we may still and often do still have to.
As a teacher if I always give my students a second chance with no repercussions at all, they never learn responsibility. Further what is the point of trying hard, making a genuine effort, if you can just start over fresh the next day until forever? Seriously.
Grace is a gift. We don't deserve it. We didn't earn it. We can ask for it and receive it. It is a get out of Hell free card. When received genuinely. However it is not a get out of responsibility forever card.
The other part of that is that our hurts and griefs and the sins perpetuated on us by others are not an excuse or pass on the sins we perpetuate on others. Terrible things may have happened to you. You may have done terrible things to others because of that, but, YOU still did those terrible things to someone else. You have to take responsibility for that. Hopefully you will be forgiven on earth (by those you hurt) as you are in heaven (by Jesus and Our Father) but that doesn't mean that those that you hurt have to or can forget what you did to them or that they will or have to kill the fatted calf in your honor. Nor do you get to demand that. This is called accepting responsibility for your actions.
The good news is that God will be with you, to comfort you and guide you through the process and your own grief in your sin. Hopefully he will be there for the ones you sinned against in their healing and forgiveness of you...
There are several people in my life who feel their admission, their repentance and my forgiveness is enough to simply make the pain caused go away and that everything goes back to the way it was. There are reasons, they feel, for what happened, and therefore I am the one who is unreasonable to guard parts of myself from them or to keep parts of my life separate from them now. Several other people in my life have the same problem with others in their life.
At the same time, there are those I have hurt that I wish would forgive me and/or "take me back." Some of them have. Some of them haven't and probably won't. That is my responsibility, burden, to bear because of my sin. God can help me with that...
This has nothing to do with anything specific that has happened lately, just a response of sorts to something I read today.
It does make me thankful for God's forgiveness and most importantly for his Grace.
And yet it is so often abused. The idea that we are all prodigals of God's love and he will take us back does not mean that we get to run away because we know he will take us back. Being the prodigal does not erase the responsibility of what we do, before or after we are forgiven.
It is so frustrating to me when people want to lean on this idea of being the prodigal to erase their poor choices. If a young person runs away from home and does drugs, or commits a crime, or gets pregnant, they can still come home, be forgiven and be loved, but they still have to take responsibility or face the consequences of those actions. Asking for forgiveness is not a way to avoid or run from our actions or their repercussions.
God forgave David for his actions with Bathsheba and for killing her husband. That forgiveness was total and unending. The responsibilities, though, the death of their son, and the knowledge of what they had done, that was still there. The forgiveness is not that the sin is erased from existence, but that we don't have to pay the eternal price for it. The worldly one, we may still and often do still have to.
As a teacher if I always give my students a second chance with no repercussions at all, they never learn responsibility. Further what is the point of trying hard, making a genuine effort, if you can just start over fresh the next day until forever? Seriously.
Grace is a gift. We don't deserve it. We didn't earn it. We can ask for it and receive it. It is a get out of Hell free card. When received genuinely. However it is not a get out of responsibility forever card.
The other part of that is that our hurts and griefs and the sins perpetuated on us by others are not an excuse or pass on the sins we perpetuate on others. Terrible things may have happened to you. You may have done terrible things to others because of that, but, YOU still did those terrible things to someone else. You have to take responsibility for that. Hopefully you will be forgiven on earth (by those you hurt) as you are in heaven (by Jesus and Our Father) but that doesn't mean that those that you hurt have to or can forget what you did to them or that they will or have to kill the fatted calf in your honor. Nor do you get to demand that. This is called accepting responsibility for your actions.
The good news is that God will be with you, to comfort you and guide you through the process and your own grief in your sin. Hopefully he will be there for the ones you sinned against in their healing and forgiveness of you...
There are several people in my life who feel their admission, their repentance and my forgiveness is enough to simply make the pain caused go away and that everything goes back to the way it was. There are reasons, they feel, for what happened, and therefore I am the one who is unreasonable to guard parts of myself from them or to keep parts of my life separate from them now. Several other people in my life have the same problem with others in their life.
At the same time, there are those I have hurt that I wish would forgive me and/or "take me back." Some of them have. Some of them haven't and probably won't. That is my responsibility, burden, to bear because of my sin. God can help me with that...
This has nothing to do with anything specific that has happened lately, just a response of sorts to something I read today.
It does make me thankful for God's forgiveness and most importantly for his Grace.
Friday, August 24, 2007
Baby on my Chest
Babies are a funny thing. At least for me.
When I was a young person I assumed parenthood was in my future. It was a given. Additionally I have always been fascinated by the idea of pregnancy. It just strikes me as being an amazing thing, to hold within you a developing person. What a privilege and responsibility and wonder... Sort of like the heart of teaching, molding a human building from within.
Further, I love children. Not all ages, always, but I really enjoy working with them. I've been told I have a special touch with babies especially. I'll agree I am comfortable with them.
As I got older and marriage and family seemed less of a given I spent less time thinking about it. Also as a teacher, it's amazing how tired you get of children sometimes. It's sort of like spending all the energy required to be a parent all at once in one big burst. Not to say that I didn't still enjoy children, but teaching is an exhausting thing... exhausting in your very soul.
Now, I find myself content to let others around me parent. There are so many other things that I am doing, need to do, want to do, and may be the only person who can do. Still not to say that I don't want to, or wouldn't consider it, just that I am not focused on it. Being responsible for a senior citizen taps a lot of what might have been left after teaching...
But then, I borrow a baby while a friend is in the hospital having her fourth. This warm ball of flesh and hair with big blue eyes and blonde curls curled up on my chest and would not budge. All other arms she refused and she slept on my chest and rested there for hours.
At moments like that, my heart cries out for that reality. ... to hold a baby of my very own.
When I was a young person I assumed parenthood was in my future. It was a given. Additionally I have always been fascinated by the idea of pregnancy. It just strikes me as being an amazing thing, to hold within you a developing person. What a privilege and responsibility and wonder... Sort of like the heart of teaching, molding a human building from within.
Further, I love children. Not all ages, always, but I really enjoy working with them. I've been told I have a special touch with babies especially. I'll agree I am comfortable with them.
As I got older and marriage and family seemed less of a given I spent less time thinking about it. Also as a teacher, it's amazing how tired you get of children sometimes. It's sort of like spending all the energy required to be a parent all at once in one big burst. Not to say that I didn't still enjoy children, but teaching is an exhausting thing... exhausting in your very soul.
Now, I find myself content to let others around me parent. There are so many other things that I am doing, need to do, want to do, and may be the only person who can do. Still not to say that I don't want to, or wouldn't consider it, just that I am not focused on it. Being responsible for a senior citizen taps a lot of what might have been left after teaching...
But then, I borrow a baby while a friend is in the hospital having her fourth. This warm ball of flesh and hair with big blue eyes and blonde curls curled up on my chest and would not budge. All other arms she refused and she slept on my chest and rested there for hours.
At moments like that, my heart cries out for that reality. ... to hold a baby of my very own.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Borrowing Babies
Yes, he e-mailed and we are figuring out when to go out for coffee sometime in the near future. He's very nice, we have a scary amount in common and it's a good thing. Past that, all I am hoping for is an enjoyable afternoon with a nice man in the near future. Seriously. And that's all there is to that.
Anyway.
So my friend, Robin, is having a C-Section tomorrow and plans to be the mother of another beautiful baby girl by 5PM that evening. I will have the joy of keeping her 1, 2, and 4 year olds for the afternoon, evening and night. On Saturday I will turn them over to another friend who will take them for the day on Saturday.
I am looking forward to having them tomorrow. They are angels and adorable and a huge handful and I know that I will love every minute of it.
So tomorrow I have to get my grades done in a hurry so that I can take possession of my delightful borrowed babies!
Anyway.
So my friend, Robin, is having a C-Section tomorrow and plans to be the mother of another beautiful baby girl by 5PM that evening. I will have the joy of keeping her 1, 2, and 4 year olds for the afternoon, evening and night. On Saturday I will turn them over to another friend who will take them for the day on Saturday.
I am looking forward to having them tomorrow. They are angels and adorable and a huge handful and I know that I will love every minute of it.
So tomorrow I have to get my grades done in a hurry so that I can take possession of my delightful borrowed babies!
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
A Reputation...
Overheard...
"Which one is that teacher in the trailer?"
"You know, the one that was wearing purple yesterday."
"Who pays attention to what color they are wearing?"
"You know, the one that tried to fall up the hill during the fire drill..."
"Oh yeah, that's Miss X, the real tall lady."
Yes, when I tried to exit the practice field after the fire drill I tried to walk straight up the incline. Maybe I was still in camp mode... where I wear sturdy hiking boots. Today I was in walking sandals and a full gauze multi colored skirt, and a deep purple top, and therefore not equipped for the incline. Luckily as I slid down, my skirt spread out around me making my fall very graceful, almost like some lopsided curtsy or Texas Dip (I think that's what they call them?). The skirt kept everything covered, but it took ten minutes in the bathroom to get all the grass of my slip (all the static between the skirt and slip). I imagine it looked pretty funny... I laughed anyway.
The assistant principal smiled indulgently and said, "Miss X, you and your class can walk around this way..."
Thanks, I hadn't thought of that...
Who can beat that for making an impression. And I was afraid I would never get a good reputation...
"Which one is that teacher in the trailer?"
"You know, the one that was wearing purple yesterday."
"Who pays attention to what color they are wearing?"
"You know, the one that tried to fall up the hill during the fire drill..."
"Oh yeah, that's Miss X, the real tall lady."
Yes, when I tried to exit the practice field after the fire drill I tried to walk straight up the incline. Maybe I was still in camp mode... where I wear sturdy hiking boots. Today I was in walking sandals and a full gauze multi colored skirt, and a deep purple top, and therefore not equipped for the incline. Luckily as I slid down, my skirt spread out around me making my fall very graceful, almost like some lopsided curtsy or Texas Dip (I think that's what they call them?). The skirt kept everything covered, but it took ten minutes in the bathroom to get all the grass of my slip (all the static between the skirt and slip). I imagine it looked pretty funny... I laughed anyway.
The assistant principal smiled indulgently and said, "Miss X, you and your class can walk around this way..."
Thanks, I hadn't thought of that...
Who can beat that for making an impression. And I was afraid I would never get a good reputation...
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Tuesdays
Tuesdays are not really my favorite of days. But today was a good day. I lost two pounds this week at weigh in and am leading my group in a little "Biggest Loser" Club that we have at school. This information has wildly excited and motivated my physical trainer.
This is not exactly a good thing.
So today (As is becoming more and more common) I am sore.
Plus I have literally piles of work to get graded by the end of the week.
The kids were reading Saki today. You know, the one who writes all proper and classical and then his stories have this bite you in the but punchlines. I love his stuff.
I had been hoping for a phone call or e-mail this week, which so far I have not gotten. But I'm OK with that.
Fall break is in October, and I've decided I want to go to the way upper west coast (I've never been that far north on that coast before) and get my Wilderness EMT certification. Should be cool and I'm kind of excited by it.
My brother's life seems to be smoothing back out from the in laws and church scenario from heck.
People I care about are healthy and happy... or getting healthier.
So, today is just Tuesday.
I'm OK with that.
This is not exactly a good thing.
So today (As is becoming more and more common) I am sore.
Plus I have literally piles of work to get graded by the end of the week.
The kids were reading Saki today. You know, the one who writes all proper and classical and then his stories have this bite you in the but punchlines. I love his stuff.
I had been hoping for a phone call or e-mail this week, which so far I have not gotten. But I'm OK with that.
Fall break is in October, and I've decided I want to go to the way upper west coast (I've never been that far north on that coast before) and get my Wilderness EMT certification. Should be cool and I'm kind of excited by it.
My brother's life seems to be smoothing back out from the in laws and church scenario from heck.
People I care about are healthy and happy... or getting healthier.
So, today is just Tuesday.
I'm OK with that.
Monday, August 20, 2007
Laughter in the Aisles
The kids were working on projects today and desks got way out of alignment.
At the end of the period I told them to straighten up.
"Get these two aisles straight please, this one is anorexic and this one is pregnant..."
It took ten minutes before they could get anything done...
It was a good Monday.
Also, let me just say, a staffer friend of mine, sent me an essay, off the cuff, for me to edit. It was spectacular. I wish I could take credit for being that kids teacher. I'll have to settle for being his friend. I wish I could post it, but my rules... only post stuff I wrote... but, oh man!
At the end of the period I told them to straighten up.
"Get these two aisles straight please, this one is anorexic and this one is pregnant..."
It took ten minutes before they could get anything done...
It was a good Monday.
Also, let me just say, a staffer friend of mine, sent me an essay, off the cuff, for me to edit. It was spectacular. I wish I could take credit for being that kids teacher. I'll have to settle for being his friend. I wish I could post it, but my rules... only post stuff I wrote... but, oh man!
Two Cent Psychologist on Marriage
Today a friend of mine asked me a serious question.
Question: When do you think is an OK age to get engaged? Or when are you to young? Is there a certain number?
Answer: Yep, I remember that age, that experience, watching all the rings being exchanged around me and thinking “What the heck?” I’ve gone through that wave several times and now there are also the waves of people getting pregnant too. As someone who has neither been engaged or pregnant, I might not be the best to advise on this issue, but the upshot to watching so many is that I have been able to notice a couple things, objectively, of course.
First, engagements always seem to come in waves, and there will be more in your immediate life time. The point being, it’s not just your age group. It just seems to happen that way. I’m not sure if it’s like the original idea that everyone ends up having simultaneously or what, but that’s the way it works. College tends to be ripe with it, especially in the senior year because 1) college is one of the best places to meet people of similar interests and ambitions while working on said similar interests and ambitions (rather than the older model of dating the children of your parent’s friends who had similar socio-economics and culture and all lived in a 100 mile radius) and 2) the idea of being out on your own in the world as a grown up is crippling and so people tend to try to put a “hold” on something. A wedding is a way to not be going out in the world alone. You know?
It’s funny. When I was your age (Oh God, here we go…) I wanted to be married. I looked around at my friends with their boy friends and grand plans and (as much as I actually dislike them) weddings and I thought, “why not me?” and “I’m missing out!” and all the other things girls think when their friends get married, especially their best friends. But here’s the thing. The people that were really ready to get married are still the same people, they are just as happy and it didn’t matter if they were of the older or younger variety (and I have watched both). The ones that were not ready, oddly enough it had nothing to do with their age either. They are just as unhappy. My Dad wasn’t really good and ready to be married until after 20 years of marriage when my mother left him… That’s why he’s so happy with my step mom, but they were both in their mid forties at their wedding. At 31 I find myself thinking I had no clue at 22 what I wanted in life and had no business thinking I should yoke my life to someone else’s. Watching my friend and her husband together almost seven years later, just proves that point to me. And they are the happy ones, I think!
They have shown that all these religious Baptist kids who get married so early so they can legally have sex, are all also getting divorced before they are 30. How terrible is that? Some people think six months is the perfect engagement. Just enough time to plan a wedding. Let me just tell you. These young people often need to be engaged a long time, to really figure this whole thing out and make sure it’s a good idea (and that does not and should not include living together…!) and yet a lot of these older folks just need enough time to send out invitations, because they already know their own minds and are ready.
Engagement (or marriage) should not be about checking a box, or panicking at the thought of being on your own. It’s not even about raising children with someone(and all the parts necessary before that…) it’s about looking at who is running the same race there beside you and is on the same track and whom you won’t mind running next to for the rest of your life (dun dun dun!) I think Josh Harris said something about can you picture them at 60 and does it make you smile...
Honestly with the exception of childbearing being easiest when you are in your early 20’s I see few reasons to be married before the age of 25… You don’t have diabetes (males who are careless with insulin tend to be impotent before they turn 40… though there are drugs for that now…), you are not a missionary (who is going out into the unknown and needs to take a wife with them), you have not been dating this girl for the better part of your life, making this a forgone conclusion (and not a lot of people should really do it that way anyway, but…) and no one has gotten pregnant (thank God!... right?) The girl even told me she doesn’t know what she wants to do with her life yet, and that’s a pretty big journey. You’re not sure what you are going to do yet either. None of these are conducive to that leap. I have friends who will tell you that kind of stuff doesn’t matter. That it’s all faith… I’ve heard that a lot. Of the six couples who went with that theory (that I know, anyway), two are divorced, two are miserable (and probably soon to be divorced) and two are “making it work.” I’m English, not math, but those don’t sound like good odds. Did I mention they were all Christians and while not all virgins, all abstained during courtship till wedding day. In that I mean by most religious standards they did it right, but they really didn’t, you know?
It’s not about wanting it or even needing it, it’s about waiting until being engaged and married is the most logical, reasonable course of action.
When my Dad met my step-mom he just knew. And even though I wasn’t thrilled with how fast they were going, it just made sense. No one could argue with that. There’s a couple in my church, he proposed on the third date and they were married two months later. Sounds hokey, but it just made sense. No one was flustered or panicked or trapped. The really great marriages that I have watched (not to say that everyone doesn’t have their rough spots, they do) all worked that way. Really.
The reason I have so much to is that my brother and I were talking about this yesterday. There was a lot of context that I'm not gonna get into (some mine, some his) but the bottom line was that marriage is hard. Good, wonderful, amazing, terrifying, desolating, agonizing... hard work. What boxer goes into a ring with out being prepared, being in shape, knowing their opponent, having a good coach, having the right equipment and knowing that this is what they absolutely and completely want with every part of their being? Not the ones who win, anyway.
I can't answer this question for you, in that I can’t just give you a number. But for what it is worth, that is my two cents.
Spend it wisely.
Question: When do you think is an OK age to get engaged? Or when are you to young? Is there a certain number?
Answer: Yep, I remember that age, that experience, watching all the rings being exchanged around me and thinking “What the heck?” I’ve gone through that wave several times and now there are also the waves of people getting pregnant too. As someone who has neither been engaged or pregnant, I might not be the best to advise on this issue, but the upshot to watching so many is that I have been able to notice a couple things, objectively, of course.
First, engagements always seem to come in waves, and there will be more in your immediate life time. The point being, it’s not just your age group. It just seems to happen that way. I’m not sure if it’s like the original idea that everyone ends up having simultaneously or what, but that’s the way it works. College tends to be ripe with it, especially in the senior year because 1) college is one of the best places to meet people of similar interests and ambitions while working on said similar interests and ambitions (rather than the older model of dating the children of your parent’s friends who had similar socio-economics and culture and all lived in a 100 mile radius) and 2) the idea of being out on your own in the world as a grown up is crippling and so people tend to try to put a “hold” on something. A wedding is a way to not be going out in the world alone. You know?
It’s funny. When I was your age (Oh God, here we go…) I wanted to be married. I looked around at my friends with their boy friends and grand plans and (as much as I actually dislike them) weddings and I thought, “why not me?” and “I’m missing out!” and all the other things girls think when their friends get married, especially their best friends. But here’s the thing. The people that were really ready to get married are still the same people, they are just as happy and it didn’t matter if they were of the older or younger variety (and I have watched both). The ones that were not ready, oddly enough it had nothing to do with their age either. They are just as unhappy. My Dad wasn’t really good and ready to be married until after 20 years of marriage when my mother left him… That’s why he’s so happy with my step mom, but they were both in their mid forties at their wedding. At 31 I find myself thinking I had no clue at 22 what I wanted in life and had no business thinking I should yoke my life to someone else’s. Watching my friend and her husband together almost seven years later, just proves that point to me. And they are the happy ones, I think!
They have shown that all these religious Baptist kids who get married so early so they can legally have sex, are all also getting divorced before they are 30. How terrible is that? Some people think six months is the perfect engagement. Just enough time to plan a wedding. Let me just tell you. These young people often need to be engaged a long time, to really figure this whole thing out and make sure it’s a good idea (and that does not and should not include living together…!) and yet a lot of these older folks just need enough time to send out invitations, because they already know their own minds and are ready.
Engagement (or marriage) should not be about checking a box, or panicking at the thought of being on your own. It’s not even about raising children with someone(and all the parts necessary before that…) it’s about looking at who is running the same race there beside you and is on the same track and whom you won’t mind running next to for the rest of your life (dun dun dun!) I think Josh Harris said something about can you picture them at 60 and does it make you smile...
Honestly with the exception of childbearing being easiest when you are in your early 20’s I see few reasons to be married before the age of 25… You don’t have diabetes (males who are careless with insulin tend to be impotent before they turn 40… though there are drugs for that now…), you are not a missionary (who is going out into the unknown and needs to take a wife with them), you have not been dating this girl for the better part of your life, making this a forgone conclusion (and not a lot of people should really do it that way anyway, but…) and no one has gotten pregnant (thank God!... right?) The girl even told me she doesn’t know what she wants to do with her life yet, and that’s a pretty big journey. You’re not sure what you are going to do yet either. None of these are conducive to that leap. I have friends who will tell you that kind of stuff doesn’t matter. That it’s all faith… I’ve heard that a lot. Of the six couples who went with that theory (that I know, anyway), two are divorced, two are miserable (and probably soon to be divorced) and two are “making it work.” I’m English, not math, but those don’t sound like good odds. Did I mention they were all Christians and while not all virgins, all abstained during courtship till wedding day. In that I mean by most religious standards they did it right, but they really didn’t, you know?
It’s not about wanting it or even needing it, it’s about waiting until being engaged and married is the most logical, reasonable course of action.
When my Dad met my step-mom he just knew. And even though I wasn’t thrilled with how fast they were going, it just made sense. No one could argue with that. There’s a couple in my church, he proposed on the third date and they were married two months later. Sounds hokey, but it just made sense. No one was flustered or panicked or trapped. The really great marriages that I have watched (not to say that everyone doesn’t have their rough spots, they do) all worked that way. Really.
The reason I have so much to is that my brother and I were talking about this yesterday. There was a lot of context that I'm not gonna get into (some mine, some his) but the bottom line was that marriage is hard. Good, wonderful, amazing, terrifying, desolating, agonizing... hard work. What boxer goes into a ring with out being prepared, being in shape, knowing their opponent, having a good coach, having the right equipment and knowing that this is what they absolutely and completely want with every part of their being? Not the ones who win, anyway.
I can't answer this question for you, in that I can’t just give you a number. But for what it is worth, that is my two cents.
Spend it wisely.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Hopeless
Today in therapy my therapist was asking me about a situation that occurred some time ago and he asked me if I felt hopeless.
I told him no.
Then I realized that I have never been hopeless.
Never.
I think maybe that is a result of God in my life, not even maybe, but certainly.
This was a line of thought I wanted to pursue for a while. So we did.
The fact that I have felt trapped, cheated, and even alone, but never believed there was no way out, no answer, no possibility was a real surprise as a realization to me.
Not like I was upset about the idea, just surprised.
People often tell me that I am one of the happier people they know, and I find myself very flattered, but thinking they are a little crazy. I was also told by a wonderful friend once that it was because I was bubbly and out going. Another friend once told me that with one exception no matter what happens I bounce back. She said that this quality was one of the things she admired most about me... as I laid on the floor of the church office whining about the one thing it took me a bit longer to get over... anyway!
I was struck by the idea as I sat on the couch that a lack of hopelessness might be what other people see and translate in ways that surprise me...
Today, I think I was happy with myself. This therapy is unlike anything else I have done and I am learning more about myself than I thought I could. I am also looking at a point of completion. It is a ways away, and it is not easy, but it is there. This burden that I have been carrying is something I seem to have simply stood around and held. Sometimes it was added to, and I held it, but I wasn't looking for the place to dump it, so I continued to carry it. Sometimes I was even so distracted to set it down, and rested, but... Now I feel like I am finally walking toward the dump off point and there will be an end to this.
Today I found myself incredibly hopeful!
I told him no.
Then I realized that I have never been hopeless.
Never.
I think maybe that is a result of God in my life, not even maybe, but certainly.
This was a line of thought I wanted to pursue for a while. So we did.
The fact that I have felt trapped, cheated, and even alone, but never believed there was no way out, no answer, no possibility was a real surprise as a realization to me.
Not like I was upset about the idea, just surprised.
People often tell me that I am one of the happier people they know, and I find myself very flattered, but thinking they are a little crazy. I was also told by a wonderful friend once that it was because I was bubbly and out going. Another friend once told me that with one exception no matter what happens I bounce back. She said that this quality was one of the things she admired most about me... as I laid on the floor of the church office whining about the one thing it took me a bit longer to get over... anyway!
I was struck by the idea as I sat on the couch that a lack of hopelessness might be what other people see and translate in ways that surprise me...
Today, I think I was happy with myself. This therapy is unlike anything else I have done and I am learning more about myself than I thought I could. I am also looking at a point of completion. It is a ways away, and it is not easy, but it is there. This burden that I have been carrying is something I seem to have simply stood around and held. Sometimes it was added to, and I held it, but I wasn't looking for the place to dump it, so I continued to carry it. Sometimes I was even so distracted to set it down, and rested, but... Now I feel like I am finally walking toward the dump off point and there will be an end to this.
Today I found myself incredibly hopeful!
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Adult Conversations
This week I have started to talking to someone new on the phone. It is a very new thing and I have no expectations, just the whole living for the moment of experience.
But...
I was struck as we spoke last night, even with it being a new relationship/friendship, getting to know each other, more information being exchanged than a back and forth conversation exchange, that this was the most adult conversation I had had outside of school in sometime.
What a difference.
I also find myself dreaming, hoping, wishing and wondering about how he hugs...
Maybe I'll find out, but in the mean time,
Here's to talking to grown-ups!
Oh, and no, I will not be giving out more information at this time. I'm just enjoying the moment... No need to get the cart before the horse...
Fingers Crossed, though.
But...
I was struck as we spoke last night, even with it being a new relationship/friendship, getting to know each other, more information being exchanged than a back and forth conversation exchange, that this was the most adult conversation I had had outside of school in sometime.
What a difference.
I also find myself dreaming, hoping, wishing and wondering about how he hugs...
Maybe I'll find out, but in the mean time,
Here's to talking to grown-ups!
Oh, and no, I will not be giving out more information at this time. I'm just enjoying the moment... No need to get the cart before the horse...
Fingers Crossed, though.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Hugs
This weekend I went home to visit my Dad in Florida for his birthday. It was a really nice visit. He helped me pick out a laptop as well. He really enjoyed the part where we had everything selected and he got to step back and let me pay for it. He really got a thrill out of it. My brother and I got him a digital picture frame for his birthday. He was happy with that, which is also good.
The best part about the trip was that I got hugged.
Hugs are a singularly interesting things. They accomplish several different things and communicate as much if not more. Lately I’ve been thinking about hugs, about what I feel when I’m hugged, what I like to feel and the really special hugs in my life.
To me the ultimate hug is when you feel comforted, loved, safe and protected all at the same time. That is the true manifestation of being cherished, to me, at least, in the hug. While it is not romantic (I mean I’m not from Kentucky…), that is what I feel when my Dad hugs me. Granted he is my size, which helps, but that is not what it is about. Sometimes when my brother, who is very large, hugs me it is almost like that, but… When my students or camper/staff hug me, as in these adolescents I mentor/teach/care for, I feel gratitude and affection, and it is very nice, but that’s not the same. Some hugs, recent, specific, have been nice, I felt very comforted and loved, but the safe and protected feeling was not strong if at all present.
There was one (well one and then an echo later) hug this summer that felt very safe and protected and comforted, but there was not the time and depth invested yet to feel cherished. I was so hurt and confused at the time, it was more like the wonderfulness of fresh bread after a long hard cold hungry day. I was so desolate, any hug would have felt wonderful, though I also concede the arms were very big and strong and that helped (the food analogy with good bread, versus any bread). So that was a very nice and special hug. I think that hugger has promise…
There was a hug, many years ago, in a different life, that was wonderful, but in hindsight it was something else and I misunderstood. The memory is still nice and I know that there are hugs like that out there because of it.
Then as I said, there are my Dad’s hugs.
I imagine I will know my prince charming when I hug him. I mean there is all the build up and romance of a kiss and I’m sure there will be a clue there too, but the clincher to me would most likely be the hug.
Am I the only one who “collects” memories of hugs? Maybe this is a girl thing, or maybe just a “me” thing.
I read somewhere that women express love through their chests. It cited all the ways that happens, nursing, holding babies, erogenous zones and other more adult concepts. It then also talked about hugs.
I think maybe that is right.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
The best part about the trip was that I got hugged.
Hugs are a singularly interesting things. They accomplish several different things and communicate as much if not more. Lately I’ve been thinking about hugs, about what I feel when I’m hugged, what I like to feel and the really special hugs in my life.
To me the ultimate hug is when you feel comforted, loved, safe and protected all at the same time. That is the true manifestation of being cherished, to me, at least, in the hug. While it is not romantic (I mean I’m not from Kentucky…), that is what I feel when my Dad hugs me. Granted he is my size, which helps, but that is not what it is about. Sometimes when my brother, who is very large, hugs me it is almost like that, but… When my students or camper/staff hug me, as in these adolescents I mentor/teach/care for, I feel gratitude and affection, and it is very nice, but that’s not the same. Some hugs, recent, specific, have been nice, I felt very comforted and loved, but the safe and protected feeling was not strong if at all present.
There was one (well one and then an echo later) hug this summer that felt very safe and protected and comforted, but there was not the time and depth invested yet to feel cherished. I was so hurt and confused at the time, it was more like the wonderfulness of fresh bread after a long hard cold hungry day. I was so desolate, any hug would have felt wonderful, though I also concede the arms were very big and strong and that helped (the food analogy with good bread, versus any bread). So that was a very nice and special hug. I think that hugger has promise…
There was a hug, many years ago, in a different life, that was wonderful, but in hindsight it was something else and I misunderstood. The memory is still nice and I know that there are hugs like that out there because of it.
Then as I said, there are my Dad’s hugs.
I imagine I will know my prince charming when I hug him. I mean there is all the build up and romance of a kiss and I’m sure there will be a clue there too, but the clincher to me would most likely be the hug.
Am I the only one who “collects” memories of hugs? Maybe this is a girl thing, or maybe just a “me” thing.
I read somewhere that women express love through their chests. It cited all the ways that happens, nursing, holding babies, erogenous zones and other more adult concepts. It then also talked about hugs.
I think maybe that is right.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Thursday, August 09, 2007
Letter of Introduction
Dear 9th Grade Language Arts,
My name is Sandy X, but around here, most people (as in students) call me Miss X.(That's right, Miss, as in Hit or Miss, as in I am neither married nor politically correct!) This is my ninth year teaching, officially, though unofficially I’ve been teaching, working with youth and well, bossy, for much longer. Aside from being a six foot, three inch, red headed stepchild, there are a lot of things that make me unique. My interests include, but are not limited to, traveling, cooking, camping, drama, writing, reading, music, singing, family, art, the ocean, the mountains, X-stitch and movies. And of course, those are just the current interests. There have been (and will be) much more.
Growing up as a Navy Brat (my dad served 22 years) of a single Dad (my parent split my freshman year of high school… talk about bad timing!) I moved a dozen times by the time I graduated high school in California (just outside of San Francisco) and then moved to Florida, where I started out as a Navy Nurse candidate in the NROTC program at University. After two years of working out with Marines and spinning rifles for fun (our Drill Team was third in the nation my freshman year) I gave it all up to pursue a career in education instead. I graduated with a Bachelor’s of English and then a Master’s of Education. After teaching seniors and drama (and a whole bunch of other stuff!) in Florida for three years I moved here where they actually have seasons! I’ve been here for over five years. The first two years, I lived by myself, but about three years ago I became the proud parent of a senior citizen. Nana is 83 and is the funniest person I’ve ever met. That’s her rocking chair at the front of my room. Also in the last several years I pursued a Certification as an Emergency Medical Technician Intermediate (EMT-I) at a terrific Technical School (1 year night school program). This was so I could enjoy the past four summers at a Scout Camp where I am the Medical Officer. I am responsible for about 1000 men/boys each week that are allowed to play with knives, build fires, swim in lakes, climb trees and chase snakes all without their mothers or wives anywhere in site. I work there for 8 weeks each summer and always have a blast.
Now my life pretty much revolves around work, Nana, Scouts and Drama. Sometimes I direct plays for the ninth grade here at school and often I write and/or direct productions at my church. This Fall I will be directing the children’s musical and this Spring I will be writing and directing my church’s mission youth play. Nana (And our two shelties, Piper and Roo) keeps the house pretty jumping. Also even during the year I am doing Scout weekend stuff and teaching First Aid and CPR for the American Heart Association for groups in the area. I also travel a lot. Last year I went to Central America and saw Mayan Ruins. Oh man, it was awesome. I’m thinking of going to Alaska this year or maybe Europe, specifically London. I really want to go back to London.
As to my future, I’m still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. Lately I find myself interested in two possibilities. I’d like to pursue my PhD and become a teacher of teachers, but I’d also really like to be a Paramedic, which is another year of school fulltime. Also, one of these days I am actually going to finish one of the books and/or screen plays I am working on and get them published/produced.
I’m going to get to all the things I’m after in life by never giving up, keeping focused on my goals and enjoying life as I live it. Sometimes that is easy, but sometimes it is hard. I find that the best way to get where you are going in keeping your mind on all the time. Bring it with you everywhere and always be using it. Besides, even when no one else will talk to you, your mind always will!
You guys can actually help me with some of my goals in life by continuing to challenge me to be the best teacher I can be. I learn more everyday teaching in class than you guys learn all year. Working with young people helps keep my mind young and active so that someday, who knows, I might be younger than you! Besides, someday you may be my doctor, lawyer, airline pilot, mechanic, plumber, carpenter, or architect and I need you to be on your best game.
The last thing is there are some things it would probably help you to know about me as a teacher. I have some “pet peeves” as they say. People who don’t pay attention, but expect me to fill in the gaps for them when they feel like it, disrespect, constant requests to use the restrooms and putting your head down on the desk is a sure fire way to find out how loud I can get. However, the flip side is that I love it when students have useful and interesting comments to add to class discussions, want to talk about books and poetry and let their enthusiasm for their own advancement spill over into the classroom such that everyone grows and learns.
There are many more stories that I want to tell you and this letter only scratches the surface of who I am, but I hope it helps give a you a little bit of an idea of where I am coming from.
Sincerely,
Your teacher, Miss X
I am not your friend.... and other thoughts of a teacher.
School has started, we've been at it for a full five days now. The kids this year are probably the best I've seen so far in the 9th grade. Part of that has to do with the fact that I have all advanced this year, but more of it has to do with this group of kids in general, just really good kids.
They have it rough though. I've been hard on them from the start. I told them on day 1 that I was not their friend. Sounds pretty harsh, I'm sure, though they took it well because I explained the statement. See here's the thing. I am not at school to be the student's friend. I am not there to make them feel better about themselves or make it all better for them. I am there to teach them, to give them skills and for them to gain the confidence that comes from know the information. As I told them, self esteem is all well and good, but if there is lots of it with no skills, abilities or knowledge, it still adds up to a pretty bad deal. We talked about trying. I've turned into Yoda on that one. Do or do not, there is not try.
The thing that is cool is that they are rising to this. I've been able to do activities with them so far that I never could have done with any other classes. They had a completely class led discussion yesterday for over an hour about the intentions of Richard Connel in "The Most Dangerous Game." No two classes argued the same set of issues, but they all argued. I learned so much from them. It really was fascinating.
Oh, and I'll have to post my letter of introduction to them... I was pretty impressed with it if I do say so myself.
There are some things that concern me about this group. I've already got one young lady that I think really may be in trouble. She clearly does not want to be a girl. She dresses, acts and talks like a boy. This is not being a tom boy, this is completely subverting all gender signs. Today even in the 100 degree heat she showed up in a long sleeved shirt and jeans. Then she told me she was having an anxiety attack. This is her second one since school started. Something is happening to this child, I can just feel it. Everyone else seems to think it is only possible, and no big deal. We'll see, I guess.
I have a new plaque up that states, "I have winged monkeys and I'm not afraid to use them!"
Nana seems to be getting a cold. Part of this may be because of disrupted sleep. Piper has decided he likes getting up at 2:30 AM and eating then. The first time he did it, Nana thought it was time to get up and scared the snot out of me, as I thought I had overslept. Then I figured it out. I think I am going to shoot the dog. I asked Nana who owned whom here. She smiled and said, "He owns me..." I think not!
Also I went back to training this week. Which is a good thing, but I really hate it. Except I missed it and it feels kind of good. There is something clearly wrong with me.
I'm considering doing a Master Cleanse. I've been reading a lot about it. But I haven't decided yet. The toilet issues sound a bit gnarly.
Oh, and by the way, having been put in a trailer this year (insert trailer trash joke here, all my other friends have) I find I like it. I can control my own thermostat and with the 100 degree weather outside, that is a rather nice thing. Also I am on my own island in the parking lot. John Dunn said no man is an island, but apparently this woman is!
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