On a different and just as upsetting note...

OK.

I get it.

I won't buy lottery tickets this week.

Money down the toilet.

This is a bit of a complicated and odd story, but, it is what it is.

When I went to Wilderness EMT training back in October I met a really sweet kid, all of 19 years old from a small town in the North West US. There was something about this guy. It felt like he belonged with "us" as in my camp crew... It was a feeling I just could not shake. So I made some calls, called in a favor or two and offered him a position as my assistant this summer (for two or three weeks). I got his plane ticket covered, got him set up for salary (a good one for a first year at only three weeks I might add) and some other perks. It was a good thing.

I asked people to pray about it for me. There was just something about this situation, a feeling, an intuition... he belonged here for the summer. God had a plan and I was so excited to see what it was... It was a hope and excitement I held onto whenever things were tough in these pre-camp days.

We corresponded a bit, planning, setting up and he was pumped and seemed committed. I got the administration staff pumped... It was clicking.

Today he e-mailed that he is not coming.

In the grand scheme of things it is not the end of the world. I even have another assistant, great guy I've worked with before at camp, for the time when this new guy wasn't going to be there, and that's a good thing, but...

On top of everything else I feel a bit let down tonight. There is still this feeling in my heart that there was a purpose there, that it was something important. I've had that feeling before, and more often than not I was right.

Apparently this was less often than not...

I wish him the best of luck, and May God Bless Him, whatever God's plan is for him.

Three unrelated stories... except they are.

A woman who spoke at my Baptist Collegiate Ministries when I was in college told a story about how when she was in her 30's, her husband was stationed somewhere other than where she lived and would visit every couple weekends. She suffered from an episode of Bell's Palsy and was hospitalized. On her birthday (her birthday!) he called her at the hospital (he had not come home) from her parent's (HER parents) house just to say hi. Apparently he had been able to get a hop on military air and so he went to visit her folks. He had forgotten that it was her birthday, and when she realized that and pointed it out, he tried to cover by telling her he had a surprise... She told him she was done. And she was. She said at that point she no longer loved her husband. The journey back from that, the choice that she made, the realization her husband had to come to, the salvation of their marriage (they've been together over 40 now) was her testimony. It was powerful when I heard it. She had to choose to be married to her husband. He had to choose to prove to her that she could love him and most importantly count on him. At the time I first heard it I looked at it as the powerful testimony of what marriage is supposed to be. A choice. She continued to make the choice even when it was hard and God rewarded that and now they both are very happily married.

To me it was in juxtaposition to another story. When my brother was five he nearly died in the hospital. My father, who was out of town on training at the time, didn't come home. There are a couple versions on the story, I was eight and so I have to take other peoples' words. There are, as I said, a couple versions. However there are two constants in all the versions. My father made the biggest mistake of his life and my mother quit loving and trusting him as a wife trusts a husband. It was at that point that she decided eventually she would leave him... and in the end my brother and I too. Granted she made the wrong choice or the weaker choice, or whatever you want to call it, in comparison to the woman who spoke at the BCM when I was in college, but I didn't understand something until this past week.

Nana is moving into a personal care home on April 1st. When I saw my brother at Christmas he promised me he would come and help me move her. Over the past few months he continued to promise. We talked about how having my mother here would be the last thing I need, too many complications. Then two weeks ago he called to say that he couldn't make it. Too many responsibilities, but it really bothered him. So I absolved him. Then he DROVE down to visit my father in Florida for this past week. Tuesday until Saturday. With a side trip to visit his wife's family (the people who called the police on him when his wife's phone died and she didn't call back fast enough...). I've missed two days of work because Nana was too confused to leave at home alone. One of those days was while my brother was visiting my Dad. That was the day I called my Mom in tears. She will be here tomorrow. When I "vented" to my dad about my brother's choices and how hard all of this was for me... Apparently my brother was in the room and heard me. My father e-mailed me "just so you know" that now my brother was hurt and upset too.

This past week was the most alone I have ever felt in my life. And for the first time in my life, while I still disagree with my mother's choice, I understood it. I also saw that while my father knows he made a mistake all those years ago he still doesn't understand why.

Apparently neither does my brother.

So now in addition to feeling like my world is collapsing and I am a failure because Nana is moving (I can't take care of her anymore like this!) I also feel like I can no longer count on my family the way I always assumed I could. Probably why I am crying every day and there are parents in my school system that complimented me on my passion for literature as I had tears running down my cheeks as I discusses To Kill a Mockingbird during parent teacher conferences...

My mother is coming. She may not have been my first choice, but she is coming and I'll take it. And be grateful.

This is shredding my soul.

Two weeks to go.

Suffication

There are a couple possibilities, depression, betrayal, heart break, all of the above.

Today I can't seem to stop the tears.

What happens if I get to April 1st and this doesn't get better?

Right now, all it is getting is worse.

I had no idea it was going to be this hard.

Being Mercutio

So, last night I was having a conversation with a friend. I think I may have upset her a bit. Further, I think she thinks this is about being single. And while I can't say this has nothing to do with that, it's not as big a factor as you'd think and there is so much more to it than that.

We were talking and I told her that I had come to the conclusion that I am really not the main character in this life. I am a Mercutio.

He was an important character. People like him, he stands out and is remembered, but it's not his story, it's not about him and he doesn't make it to the big finale.

She said that none of us is the main character, God is, at which point I knew she didn't understand what I was saying at all. Then she asked if I would think I was a main character if I was married. This was another indicator to me that she missed the point. Which isn't really her fault. Her life makes sense, it's working and she is the main character.

I have no idea how this is going to work with Nana at the personal care home. I have no idea how my life is going to work out at all regardless. People around me think I am funny, witty, confidant, together. I'm not even making that up, people have used those four words at me in the past week for several reasons.

And I think about Mercutio. He was dying and no one even knew. He is the most popular character in a play that is not about him. He is only a supporting character and in the end he was not in finale, he was just one of those who were gone.

Now, before anyone calls me about being crazy, suicidal, homicidal or depressed, I'm not. Let's settle that issue now. This was the other thing I was trying to explain to my well intentioned friend. This reality is not as upsetting to me as I thought it would be. Because I also think about Samuel.

There are two books in the bible called Samuel. He is an important figure in biblical literature. But those books were not about him. They were about Daniel, a man after God's own heart. The books were named after him, he mattered, and he served God, but he was the supporting character.

So, I'm okay with that.

Nanaisms...

OK, OK, I have been chastised and so I am posting. Life has been happening a bit faster than I can really stand up to lately.

The big news is that we have put down a deposit and Nana is going to a Personal Care Home on April 1st. She will be one of six ladies that live in the house. Frankly she is doing the best of the bunch physically and mentally from what I've seen. But she will get the support and supervision she needs there. I'll still be active and involved in her life (Most weekend she will come home with me to do nails, visit the dogs, go to church), but I will get the flexibility and the peace that comes with not being solely responsible for her all day, every day. Most of the time I am OK with this. It's a good place. Most of the time she is too...

This past winter when my Mom was here, she told Lindsey, "Thanks for all you do for Nana. And remember, Jesus said, whatever you do unto the least of these you do unto me..." Nana stood up and announced, "Come on, Lindsey, lets go live Jesus a shower!"

This past week I gave Nana a $10 so that she and Lindsey could go to Waffle House for lunch. Nana trilled, "Oh wow! We are rich! Come on Lindsey, let's go get drunk!"

Later that afternoon as I sat in the car on the phone (I hadn't been to work that day as Nana was too confused for me to leave her alone that morning) Nana came up and knocked on my window. She had been so clear when I left and hour previous. "Would you like to come inside and wait for Sandy there? She should be right home soon." I nearly burst into tears. Then Nana cracked the biggest smile and started to cackle! "Fooled you!" I nearly killed her!

The pie-de-resistance was on Sunday when she smiled at the woman who will be her new caretaker and said, "I'm going to miss my Sandy, she only beat me once in a while." We had to have a talk about how that joke was NOT FUNNY!

This is the right thing to do and I find comfort in the idea that this is a really good set up for Nana, but I also know this is going to kill me.