The Logic of school

There is something amazing about a way a child/middleschooler/teen/miniature human brain works. This time of year (school is ending in a bit over a month) the really weird logic emerges. Yet each year, the same logic occurs across grade levels across schools, you'd think they'd figure it out. The first leap is

1) All of my teachers are against me, none of them like me, and I can't help it. It just isn't fair.

While I have met a few kids who meet this possibility (and I would point out they are all now in jail or rapidly on their way...) most teachers can't remember what happened two hours ago much less yesterday and therefore the only way we can currently dislike you is if you remind us, or better, give us a current reason to resent your presence in our room. Further, if you find that you have been going though your whole life with everyone against you, maybe, and it's a long shot, I know, but maybe, it's well, YOU!

2) I am failing this class because my teacher doesn't like me.

That's right. Because I don't like you I am not collecting your homework, not letting you take the test and not sending your mother all your assignments on e-mail. It is all me. The zeros on your homework and the failing score on your multiple choice tests are all results of my heinous scheme to fail you so I can have you again next year. That's how much I hate you.

3) I don't like you, so I am not going to do my homework and fail this class to punish you.

Oh, please forgive me. Because you won't do your work I now have one less paper to grade and can get to bed earlier tonight. I have one less grade to calculate (zeros are easy to add and divide, don't ya' know) and I will spend many sleepless nights considering you this summer while you are in summer school. Oh please, don't do this to me! You are too cruel. End this torture! Did I mention my only consolation to this cruelty is that I will at least get another crack at you next year? Because I love having you and your terrific attitude in class.

Don't I sound like the wicked witch of the west? I actually got to the point where I gave "The Speech" today. Now understand, I do feel a bit of guilt when I give "The Speech" but I also feel a bit of pride. Student teachers often ask if they can come to my room on the hope of hearing, "The Speech" as it has become a paragon of teacher toughness to be desired by every new teacher out to make a name for herself. No, actually, I am not making this up. Speeches of any kind are something I do well. I can't play sports to save my life, but I can whip a team into frenzy. If there was an Olympic Speech category, I would so be gold. I have several patent pending speeches, but "The Speech" is the only one that gets to be capitalized and quoted like that. Here is an excerpt.

"Oh please, punish me by failing my class! Please, please please! I do less work because you do no work and you fail my class. But let me make sure you understand what that means. On the last day of this semester I will figure, write and record all the grades for this class, including your F. I will not have given you that grade, you will have earned it and I will only have had the privledge of writing down the letter for posterity. Then I will turn off the computer, lock this door, go home and never give you a second thought. You however will think about me every day for 180 days while you take this class over. You think this stuff is boring this time around, try it twice. And every time you are bored, every time you hate that remedial class for students who already failed it once before, every time you have to watch your friends go to the new exciting class for their grade level, you will be thinking about me and how you made me sorry by failing my class. Which is funny seeing as I will have by then forgotten that you exist. So by all means, punish me. If you work hard enough at it, maybe I can live forever!"

Now before you think I am really cruel, though maybe I am, I have a personal policy about children who are trying but failing or children who are disabled. My policy is I never have a battle of wits with unarmed opponents. This speech is for the children who are spiteful, disrupted and a waste of God given ability. While I have lectured a child until they cry (like when they put a friends finger in the pencil sharpener as a joke when they were trying to read!) this speech has never evoked tears, because the kids I've said it to weren't listening to me anyway, which is kind of the point. Mostly it's for the benefit of the kids around them who I don't want to get any ideas.

Anyway, I'm glad it's Friday and I can start on the "not giving it a second thought" part of the threat. My trainer calls and I'm sure he can inflict enough pain that it will be days before I can remember my own name much less this kid's!