"My Granddaughter Abuses Me"

Nana is so funny. No really, she is hysterical and it's hard to breathe sometimes when I am around her... Either because I am laughing so hard or because I'm trying not to gag over the smell of her coat that she won't let me wash.

She had surgery yesterday. This is a very drawn out story. In a nut shell, 20 years ago she had the bags over her eyes fixed. A stray stitch at the corner of her eye created a situation where he eye did not fully close again. It didn't bother her or anyone else until six years ago when an ophthalmic surgeon insisted that her eye could not heal properly after cataract surgery if the problem was not corrected. However, he could "fix" it. His fixing caused Nana's left lower lid to turn slightly under so that the conjunctiva is perpetually exposed and angrily red all the time. It also made her eye droop slightly. Since then every morning she wakes up with almost a pink-eye like mess of crust and we are constantly cleaning that eye so it doesn't look gunky. Further it leaks tears non-stop. That $%!@#$%!@#$% of a doctor told her that there was nothing else he could do about it an Nana believed him. For six years. I recently convinced her that being as it has been more than five years opthamology has most likely improved enough that we can fix it. We found an excellent doctor at Emory and yesterday morning at 7:30AM they fixed Nana's eye. Even with the puffiness and bruising that accompanies surgery, you can already see the marked improvement. Nana is beside herself with joy. This brings out her playful side.

Here is where the problem starts.

Nana thinks it's funny to say I hit/abuse her. This is less funny than you think. Everyone loves Nana and takes her much more seriously that anyone in our family ever would. I am not a small or unintimidating person. People always laugh when she says this, but they take a beat and look me up and down. The black eye she now has doesn't help this issue. Thankfully all the people at the hospital knew she got the black eye there with them and just chuckled appreciatively at her humor. The lady behind the counter at Moe's (Nana's favorite lunch place and where we went after the outpatient, minimal anesthetic procedure) looked rather taken aback. (As a side note, the surgery went well, Nana's eye looks great all considered and she has very minimal pain. For the most part she's back to normal already...)

This has been going on for years. It started when Nana first came to me. I insisted she take showers regularly, not just "spit baths." I had originally shot for every day, now I settle for every couple of days, but clean fresh clothes every day. Anyway, the first few times I used to stand next to the shower with her until I was sure she could handle it and wouldn't fall, slip, etc. She would literally say, laughing, "Abuse, abuse, abuse, I'm going to melt away to nothing!" The whole time. I would laugh back and say that was only funny inside the house. Then she would tell my friends, and others about how I was trying to flake her away to nothing by washing her to death. Most laughed indulgently. I would smile and tell her (again!) privately that this joke needed to stay more private. She would nod and then next time around...

She also says that forcing her to eat broccoli is abuse too. I don't force her, for the record, though I might accept the term strongly encourage.

Anyway, with the shiner she is sporting now, I imagine this should become even "funnier". Easter church on Sunday is beginning to fill me dread. One of these days I may just laugh back and say, "Nana, you know that isn't true, shut up!" and back hand her across her favorite lunch joint (that is a joke, I would never hit her, which is what makes this so frustarating, and why she thinks it is so funny, because she doesn't see why anyone would believe it and there for must know she is kidding...)

Though I suppose this is just some form of massive payback. For when I was a teenager.

When Nana lived in Kansas and I used to visit her, we went to Blockbuster for movies. One time, Nana was trying to pay for a movie and she turned her change purse over scattering over $10 in change across the counter. Rather than die of embarrasement, I fixed my face with a smug 16 year old smile, looked the clerk in the eye and said, "Don't worry, we're taking her to the home tomorrow." The guy just nodded and said, "yeah, that's rough. You're sweet to take her out on her last night, though." Nana was seething by the time we got back into the car. My brother thought the story was so funny, he often told people we were taking her to the home in the morning when he was in public with Nana (during his middle school years) and she did anything he considered odd or funny. Nana was angry at him for taunting her, but she blamed me, I could tell. It stopped when he turned 16 and she threatened to take him out of her will.

So I probably deserve this abuse... I may melt away to nothing.