Scary and Damaged

Last night on Grey’s Anatomy (A show on at 10PM Sunday Night after Desperate Housewives which I DO NOT watch.), the main character, Meredith Grey is sitting in the home of a gentleman she is dating (played by the adorable, happily married, father of four, Chris O’Donnell) and he says to her, “So why are you scary and damaged?” She laughs and won’t answer him. He asks about her parents, she won’t answer. He asks about her last relationship, she won’t answer. We, as the audience, know that her parents are very dysfunctional and her mother is a famous surgeon (who wrote THE Grey’s Anatomy). Said mother now suffers from Alzheimer’s. We know that Meredith’s last real relationship ended very badly and she tried to deal with it by sleeping with a lot of people and feels like a used newspaper (as anyone who made that kind of mistake would). This guy is a vet who practices out of his house, and while they have been on four dates, she hasn’t even kissed him and he, being a terrific and sensitive guy is just waiting and watching her, not pushing, but today he has asked her this question. “Why are you scary and damaged?” It was not a cruel question, just an invitation for her to let him in.

At the end of the episode, he tells her that his mother died when he was a kid after a horrific battle with cancer. His father is a drunk who died emotionally with his wife. He then explains that his last relationship was with his wife who is also now dead; killed in a car crash. He then ends by saying, “Just because I asked you, doesn’t mean I’m not scary and damaged too.” Then they kiss softly, gently, and briefly. It’s a very romantic little moment and very touching.

(The whole thing is even a bit more complicated than this, and if you saw the episode you know that, but if not, I hope I have explained the gist sufficiently to preface what I’m thinking about today.)

Here is my answer to the question, “Why are you scary and damaged?”

(This is not going to be a massively perky or hysterical post. However, it is not actually depressing as much as cathartic, but it will be starkly honest, so consider yourself warned.)

My parents are divorced. My mom decided after 20 years with my father that she not only didn’t want to be with him, she didn’t want to be with men at all. She came out of the closet with my brothers third grade teacher (yes, she was the room mother; insert your own joke here). Further she decided that being a mother was not her priority and so my brother and went to live with our dad who was emotionally destroyed when both his wife left him and his career disintegrated underneath him in the same two years. Mother has continued to display quirks of her diagnosed, borderline personality disorder and goes on and off disability. Dad at least remarried happily. I can’t really tell you about my last relationship. There has never been a real one. I’ve had many guy friends (who would never consider dating me), but never a boyfriend. At camp I am the flirtatious belle of ball, but only because there is no possibility on earth of a real relationship and therefore I feel safe enough to be the kind of girl I envied in high school and as the boys would never actually consider me a possibility (and considering they are ten years my junior I am not insulted) they flirt back because it is harmless (and I’m the only girl around anyway). I have been on a few dates in the past year or so, but they were all only first dates, and a couple were complete disasters. In three years on eHarmony I have closed/been rejected by over 600 matches. My mother thinks I am simply too fussy and that I should consider dating outside my religion, and/or casual sex (No!). My dad seems to feel that watching him and my mother verbally assault each other may have destroyed my ability to ever be married, and he may be right. The only people who have ever been the least bit interested in me are always creepy/disturbed. (Sometime I should tell you about the guy who tried to pick me up in front of the meat counter at Publix, I was too naive to even realize that he was hitting on me until he had given up, but it was still strange…) Now at 30 I face the fact that I am either too smart, too tall, too ugly, too fat, too religious, too assertive, too educated or too committed (as the mother of an 82 year old), or some combination thereof to be attractive to anyone suitable (25-45, male, gainfully employed, real Christian, kind, and straight) of the opposite sex anytime before my biological clock unwinds and decomposes to dust. Oddly enough, I am okay with this, I’ve had 30 years to accept it and mostly I’m too busy to really let the loneliness get to me.

So, now having answered the question “Why am I scary and damaged?” where is my cute, sweet, sensitive veterinarian who will love me anyway and make me dinner?

Yeah, I figured it only worked on TV, but you can’t blame me for trying.