Petty for the sake of Petty

I picked a fight with my brother on Saturday. There was really no reason to, I had just gotten fed up with a quirk of his personality and I decided to have it out with him. I'm sure he appreciates the gesture. I have an overwhelming urge to call everyone I have ever known and justify myself, but I know that in and of itself this issue is petty. It's the larger issue behind it that is not. My father thinks my brother is upset by the argument as much as I am. I doubt it. Overall I doubt he cares about it one way or the other, which is why I picked the fight. Now, I am going to explain. You have been warned...

My brother is three years younger than I am. He likes people to think he is three years older, so when people ask who is older he always says, "there are three years between us." and people assume he's older, he's the boy after all. My brother, let's call him G, is also the over-achiever, the good student and the one everyone in the family always thinks is wonderful. Well everyone except those of us who have ever lived with him. We think he is a good guy too, I could tell some amazing stories, in fact I probably will for the sake of balance, but, he is just as flawed as the rest of us, just as arrogant (as Dad says G and I come by that honestly...) and just as stubborn as my father, my mother, for the most part my step-mother and I. We all also have self esteem issues, abandonment issues and can get pretty hot tempered (though we all have different kinds of tempers, really... that's another post.)

To start out, let me tell you the good story, for the sake of perspective and balance. When G was 12 and mom was leaving us, mom insisted on taking my comforter because it matched her sheets. At 15, oddly enough I was distraught by the whole idea. My brother, the very miserly of the two of us, went to my father and announced, "I will give mom everything in my bank account if Sandy can have her blanket back..." Sweet, isn't he? When I had to move he came down from college and helped me apartment hunt in my new town, though I had to get him his own hotel room... We couldn't share well even then... He has said some of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me, though he has also said the meanest.

Now he is a minister, in Vermont. He is the head pastor of a church plant, formerly a mission. He has a congregation and lives in a pastorum. Personally, while we have some differences of opinion on peripheral theology (women's role in the church being the most significant) I consider him of great faith and wisdom.

But, there is a massive problem... (obviously, or why would I be writing?)

He is rude to family. He is self important, rude and condescending and I don't think it's OK for him to treat family that way and then turn around and preach about love, honor and family. We come to visit and he parades us around like proof of his superiority... See, he loves his family... yet he treats us like second class citizens.

The argument is about one way he expresses that rudeness. His phone.

Saturday I called him to ask a quick question.

G: Hello? (actually he said his full name, but I won't print that... But I want to be truthful so...)
Me: Hey, G.
G: This is not a good time, I'll call you later.
Me: Well, I've just got a quick question.
G: That's not appropriate. I call you later.
Me: Don't bother.

35 minutes later, he leaves a message. I didn't answer it so I could cool off.

In the message he detailed how he was in the room of a dying woman, and he listed her symptoms, condition and vitals, and that he was praying with the family. He answered the phone because he didn't recognize my number and had to be sure it wasn't an emergency.

I got a grip and called him back.

Me: I listened to your entire message, now I need you to listen to me, please.
G: OK
Me: Obviously that was a very good reason to not talk to me. Though I would say that it's odd that you don't have my number in your phone so that know it's me and just didn't answer. Which brings me to the point. Out of the past twelve times that I have called you, ten of them you said you can't talk, you'd call me back. (This is over the past several months by the way...) You make me feel like a second class citizen and I'm tired of it.
G: Ask Dad, I do it to him too.
Me: I've talked to Dad and am already aware of his opinion on the issue.
(Dad thinks it's as rude as I do by the way... but that's Dad's argument with G, not mine...)
G: Well, I'm sorry.
Me: While I appreciate the fact that you just said that, you are not sorry. You are sorry I'm upset, but you are not sorry about the behavior or you would change it.
G: I am not going to continue a conversation with someone who called me a liar. I'll talk to you another time. ~Click.

See. Petty. The thing is, he does always get off the phone when I call, he only calls me when he intends to "Pastor" me, like I'm younger, dumber and need his guidance. He doesn't return messages, sometimes for as much as a month and I'm tired of what that implies about his family.

So, my brother and I are arguing. Have no idea how long it will last. Dad essentially offered to mediate and I told him to let G and I have it out. It needs to happen.

Dad agreed.