Three unrelated stories... except they are.

A woman who spoke at my Baptist Collegiate Ministries when I was in college told a story about how when she was in her 30's, her husband was stationed somewhere other than where she lived and would visit every couple weekends. She suffered from an episode of Bell's Palsy and was hospitalized. On her birthday (her birthday!) he called her at the hospital (he had not come home) from her parent's (HER parents) house just to say hi. Apparently he had been able to get a hop on military air and so he went to visit her folks. He had forgotten that it was her birthday, and when she realized that and pointed it out, he tried to cover by telling her he had a surprise... She told him she was done. And she was. She said at that point she no longer loved her husband. The journey back from that, the choice that she made, the realization her husband had to come to, the salvation of their marriage (they've been together over 40 now) was her testimony. It was powerful when I heard it. She had to choose to be married to her husband. He had to choose to prove to her that she could love him and most importantly count on him. At the time I first heard it I looked at it as the powerful testimony of what marriage is supposed to be. A choice. She continued to make the choice even when it was hard and God rewarded that and now they both are very happily married.

To me it was in juxtaposition to another story. When my brother was five he nearly died in the hospital. My father, who was out of town on training at the time, didn't come home. There are a couple versions on the story, I was eight and so I have to take other peoples' words. There are, as I said, a couple versions. However there are two constants in all the versions. My father made the biggest mistake of his life and my mother quit loving and trusting him as a wife trusts a husband. It was at that point that she decided eventually she would leave him... and in the end my brother and I too. Granted she made the wrong choice or the weaker choice, or whatever you want to call it, in comparison to the woman who spoke at the BCM when I was in college, but I didn't understand something until this past week.

Nana is moving into a personal care home on April 1st. When I saw my brother at Christmas he promised me he would come and help me move her. Over the past few months he continued to promise. We talked about how having my mother here would be the last thing I need, too many complications. Then two weeks ago he called to say that he couldn't make it. Too many responsibilities, but it really bothered him. So I absolved him. Then he DROVE down to visit my father in Florida for this past week. Tuesday until Saturday. With a side trip to visit his wife's family (the people who called the police on him when his wife's phone died and she didn't call back fast enough...). I've missed two days of work because Nana was too confused to leave at home alone. One of those days was while my brother was visiting my Dad. That was the day I called my Mom in tears. She will be here tomorrow. When I "vented" to my dad about my brother's choices and how hard all of this was for me... Apparently my brother was in the room and heard me. My father e-mailed me "just so you know" that now my brother was hurt and upset too.

This past week was the most alone I have ever felt in my life. And for the first time in my life, while I still disagree with my mother's choice, I understood it. I also saw that while my father knows he made a mistake all those years ago he still doesn't understand why.

Apparently neither does my brother.

So now in addition to feeling like my world is collapsing and I am a failure because Nana is moving (I can't take care of her anymore like this!) I also feel like I can no longer count on my family the way I always assumed I could. Probably why I am crying every day and there are parents in my school system that complimented me on my passion for literature as I had tears running down my cheeks as I discusses To Kill a Mockingbird during parent teacher conferences...

My mother is coming. She may not have been my first choice, but she is coming and I'll take it. And be grateful.

This is shredding my soul.

Two weeks to go.