Ranting, Raving and Venting, with a bit of whining anger thrown in for good measure.

Today I am tired. Very tired. Last night was a hard night, most of it staring at the clock. I really hate those nights. Now before anyone makes any assumptions, let me tell you why. It may not be what you think.

Last night I watched the season finale of Grey’s Anatomy. Overall, as television goes, not bad. I laughed at all the right spots and cried at all the right spots. Yesterday had been a good day. I had a nice talk with my dad, my mom finally got in touch with me and my students got a lot of good work done. Best of all I reached an all time record on the elliptical trainer during my training session yesterday, 1025 calories in 50 minutes. I never stopped and I kept it above 130 strides per minute. I maxed out on all my lifting; Pull Down Lats, 80 lbs 15 reps! Greg was proud of me and another lady called me a demon! So good day. Came home made Nana dinner, checked e-mail, finished my homework for gifted certification and then watched the president’s speech (which I think is a great idea, but unlikely to occur). Then it was time for Grey’s Anatomy. Like I said, riveting, entertaining television. Then I took a shower. In the shower I started crying and I was still crying when I got in bed.

I closed all my remaining E-Harmony Matches and requested to not be sent anymore for a while. I’ve decided to take the summer off, so to speak, and I may not go back at all. Three years is a long time to still not have a second date. At first it was kind of exciting and encouraging to see that there were still lots of possibilities out there, yet with every incompatible match (all of them so far) it has started to wear on me and is now rather discouraging. Worse, when I closed everything out I saw that I had gone through exactly Six Hundred, and Sixty Six Matches. I am not superstitious. While I believe that number will be bad in a specific situation, someday, (mark of the beast and all that), I don’t think of it as a cursed or evil number in itself. However, between that specific combination of numbers and just the sheer volume of the number itslef, it is rather disquieting, frustrating and generally disappointing. Add to that the last two matches of any kind of promise and merit have been particularly harrowing. Also, each month when I try to decide if I should put myself through this again, I get an e-mail saying I just need to persevere a bit longer and that my soul mate is just around the corner.

Let me just tell you, I don’t believe in soul mates. I never have. Two people are together because they choose to be together and choose to be committed. If it were all based on the initial good feeling of being in love, people wouldn’t stay together very often… Oh, that’s right, they don’t anymore! In love is not the destination, it is a point along the way to true, commited love. The real thing, where you have to work at it, but it is worth it. Obviously, I want to be in love, I have been before, twice, but that is not enough for marriage, by itself. I’m tired of this word soul mates being thrown around like if you find the right person it is no work at all. It also perpetuates the idea that there is one perfect person for everyone. This is not even close to possible. First, there are 6% more women in the world than men. (47%male, 53% female). Also, what if someone ends up with the wrong person, (because if there is only one perfect/right way for this to work it is a sure bet lots of us will get it wrong) then there is another person out there waiting for that right person who has been taken by the wrong person. Mostly I think we all just tell people who are single, “God has the perfect one for you, just be paitient.” Because it makes us feel better about whom we are with, and makes us feel better about the fact that we are with someone and they are not. Better yet are the helpful people who say things like, “God is still working on you about something. When you learn he will send the right person for you.” Therefore, that means that everyone that is happily married is done, perfect, and the spouse is the reward. How nice. Isn’t that sweet. In addition, it means that when the sweet married lady tells you that, she is actually saying she figures you are being punished for something and she is a better person than you are. Thanks. I feel much comfort.

OK, I am officially pissy today.

A while back I read a book by McCloud about how if we all just sit back, waiting for God to bring us the right person, we are all clearly expecting to marry the Fed-Ex delivery person. He recommended getting out, trying to meet people. He specifically encouraged dating services as a tool for busy professionals. So I took his advice. Three years later, the Fed Ex guy is starting to sound like a good idea.

The truth is this is end of the year let down, end of the year stress build up, stress because of camp starting (there is always a big flap right before camp starts with lots of pontificating, posturing and such.) exhaustion because of how hard I’m working out (I’m up to at least 1500 calories a workout, total) and just general caretaker ware from Nana (one of the reasons I need camp so badly). If I was honest, there is also a decent amount of hormone in this. I’m always haywire this time of year and currently I am literally surrounded by pregnant people, which is like just drinking female hormones for breakfast every morning. Weight loss also tends to trigger mood swings and while I refuse to step on a scale, I know I’ve lost over two inches in my thighs and hips alone in the past month. To add insult to injury the weight is not however coming out of my waist, which for the record is really starting to tick me off!

This weekend I am going to Florida to: visit one of my best friends; spend time with my adopted family (two blond haired girls and their blessed mother I really can’t wait to see… One to write with, one to talk with and one to just love me for who I am… Not to mention the other wonderful six members of the family, some of the most delightful men on earth); and then go spend an afternoon, evening and morning with my Dad before driving home on Sunday. Dad and I will work out, see a movie, go to dinner, talk (and talk and talk as my step-mother laughs) and then on Sunday morning I will go to his Sunday School class. Plus the five hours down, two hours over and five hours back up in the car will be peaceful.

The only thing better than that would be sleep, preferably without tears. Here’s hoping.

This too, like a huge barbed kidney stone, will pass. My next blog (maybe even again today) will be about something tremendously funny and/or uplifting, I promise!