There has been so much lately, it seems, and in a lot of ways very little.
I think of the chess queen in "Through the Looking Glass" running as fast as she can just to stay in one place. Some days I feel like her. Except she seemed to accept that reality and so often I am fighting it. Somehow I doubt that I am that much busier than anyone else, I am just more vocal about it, or more noticeable.
Mostly I think it is that I am noticing more. More importantly I am participating more in my own life, I think. There is so much that I am no longer willing to accept.
As the next part of my counseling we are looking at all the traumatic events (over 50 of them) and isolating what those incidents taught me in terms of survival skills and how I dealt with the world. Honestly I thought just having to write the incidents themselves down was hard.
This is terrifying. It doesn't paint a pretty picture. The first time my mother hit me was because I wanted to play with a boy and she said he was dangerous. The fear of men that was instilled in that moment has been disastrous. How ironic that my mother is now completely frustrated by my lack of romantic prowess... Yet, these behaviors, choices are still my responsibility. I will not be like my mother and spend my life avoiding responsibility for my choices, blaming others for my lack of fortune... She may be the reason, but I will not give her the power that blaming her would.
So many of the people I care about are moving on in their lives. They are getting married, having children, going to do long term missions and I sit in this home, hiding behind Nana and words like care-giver stress to excuse the things I have not done.
The era of running as fast as I can to stay in place is ending...
It's time to kick it into overdrive and go somewhere.
This is me
- Sandy
- The South, United States
- Daughter, Sister, Grandaughter, Teacher, Caretaker, EMT, Friend, Boyscout Field Medic, PhD Student/Candidate, Writer, Philosoper, Human, 6'3" Red Headed Stepchild. I blog to clarify, remember and process.
3 comments:
I'm curious.....you say you have a "fear of men". Do you mean as in a fear of emotional attachment? Or fear of physical/mental abuse? As for the latter, I wish I could say it is unfounded. Unfortunately, as I'm sure you well know, there are men who think to prove their manhood involves mental and physical domination of those around them (I have LOTS of ideas of how to punish those guys). But, having said that, there are also many (I include myself) that you would be totally safe entrusting your heart to.
If I'm "way off base" or treading where I'm not welcome I apologize.
I hope your week is a good one!
The fear is primarily emotional. My life is surrounded, inundated my men, actually. Most of my friends think I'm a little crazy for that reason. The physical fear is more subtle, and based on my size and bravado most people don't pick up on it at all. For a long time I've thought it was because of something I simply couldn't remember. I would have terrible nightmares. I even thought I had "recovered" a memory or two in college, and maybe I did, but now I think it all goes back to what I was "taught" as a child. And yes, I know there are men that are more than trustworthy, with my heart and otherwise. I count many of them friends and family (my father, especially). It's just the romantic part that gets complicated. My soul longs for something my heart won't accept... But we are working on it. I have faith that God's Will will be done in my life. That may include relationships, it may not, but I'll be damned if I let stupid past circumstances be the reason... Thanks for your comments.
I remember when I wrote down specific events and sources of stress in my life as a part of therapy. It's hard, but looking back it was a very liberating process. While I'm not involved in something as noble as care giving, seeing friends getting married and moving on with their lives and careers does make one feel left out/behind. I am glad, however, that the age of running to stay in place is ending for you and that you are finding freedom through your own autonomy.
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