Dilemma

So now I am faced with a Dilemma. It may not seem like much of one, but it’s there for me, none the less.

My therapist and I have pretty much agreed that the way I deal with relationships, specifically romantic entanglements, is pretty much a survival mode kind of thing. For the most part I don’t get involved; I keep myself out of the game and keep myself too busy to notice. Then I go around mothering people. All of this is making me very tired, too tired to miss what I don’t have except on the rare occasion when I sit still too long… But for the most part this system works. Except not exactly right now because I have managed to get myself a little more entangled with several people a little more than I usually do or meant to this time even, and these relationships aren't romantic, exactly, but they are getting rather intimate emotionally and I am a bit confused and overwhelmed sometimes because I don’t exactly know how to deal with it, them, whatever!

If we fix it, which supposedly we are trying to do, I should be able to actually have effective romantic relationships (just one would be fine with me, though). However, being 6’3, large framed, educated, opinionated, not to mention (dare I say it!) a fundamentalist Christian, and that I would rather be alone than with the wrong person, and the odds of me finding someone become slim to none. So I’d be fixed, and capable, but incredible lonely, possibly, because I wouldn’t have my survival techniques anymore.

So while intellectually the thought of healing is one I see a worthwhile and valuable, I find that my heart is rather rebelling against this idea of change.

Change is hard, and scary…

How’s that for psycho-babble!