SAHM’s: Priorities

(Sorry I haven't posted recently. I was on break and my computer at home is not really effective for blogging. But I'm back now!)

Over at Mommylife.net, there is a discussion about Stay-At-Home-Moms. This discussion was raised because of some articles and a book that says that women should reconsider staying home with their kids because they could damage their careers by staying at home.

I read one of these articles in either Allure or Jane magazine or one of those kinds of ‘zines. The thought struck me as I read it that the author of the article, and book the article was about, had a priority problem. I’ve written about this before. The idea that children are a right and commodity that is second to our happiness, but something we should have and deserve. This idea scares me. As a teacher I see it as a real problem.

That is not to say I have an issue with working parents. I know lots of really good working parents. They work because it really is a financial necessity or because they really find joy and value in their work, but their kids are still their priority in life. They recognize that they chose to have these children (right or wrong, apparently we really do have the choice these days…) and they take that seriously. Sometimes they only have one or two kids, just as often they have more, but they are good parents because of their priorities, not their occupation or status as working, single, married or SAH parents.

Rachel Ray is a really interesting TV personality to me. She didn’t get married until 35 and has said, point blank, that she is not having kids because she is too busy to make them a priority. I admire her for that. She advocates a lot for kids, for parents cooking with kids and even paid for the Prom in Enterprise, Alabama, where those high school children were devastated by a tornado that killed five at the school. She understands how important parenting is. That is why she has decided not to be one. I imagine there are people that think she is crazy, selfish or think she doesn’t like children. Maybe in the sense that her own success is her priority they are kind of right, but with no children who is that hurting, and it allows her to focus on other things that are good and helpful in the world.

I am not married and I do not have children. I am responsible only for myself (OK, and Nana, but that’s an odd situation). I have to take care of myself. I have to know that I can take care of myself. I also need to find satisfaction in what I am doing, feel like I matter and am making a difference. If I had a husband and children, my priority would be different. My first priority would be to my children and what was best for them. If we needed the money, then my working would be best for them, but they would be the priority, not my own success. If we didn’t need the money, then I would stay home. That’s not to say that I would do nothing with the work I have done so far in my life. I might write or home school or be involved in educational organizations (especially if I had my PhD) but my kids would still be my priority.

Also, it would matter to me to know that I was at home, trusting my husband to provide for our children and I, in a word – submitting, not because I had to, or because I had no options, but because I wanted to and choose to, for my sake and for the sake of our children. It would also matter to me that if something happened to my husband, I could still provide for my children and not be afraid of how we would be able to deal with the problem. It is true there is insurance and financial planning, and I would hope the kind of person I would marry would think of those things in case something happened to him, but I also have seen enough of life to know that sometimes it is not that simple.

I also do know that my career is very satisfying to me. While I don’t think of myself as ambitious, I have been told that I have some characteristics of professional ambition. I guess mostly that is just that I want to do the best job I can, I want to be effective and I want to have a positive effect on my world and my profession. However, if I choose to have children, then I have to choose to be effective and effective the world positively first and formost through them.

Anyway. The article really disturbed me. Not because it attacks SAHM’s as ambitious or making poor choices (that is kind of the icing on the cake) but because again parenting is relegated to something we do to be fulfilled, yet secondary to our own needs. This is why I find myself so exasperated with so many of my students. If their parents think like this, it explains a lot about their behavior.