Closure

So camp is over.

There were some conversations I wish I had scraped up the courage to have. There are some that I am proud of myself for not having.

I am sure in the clarity of hindsight there will be things I regret, but overall I think I handled this right.

For the most part, and it may be cowardly, I left it alone. There was no point to digging, even the sore opened in my heart seems to be healing over, so I am leaving it, as is.

I am even confidant in my ability to do this again, next year, though as always it will be different, further up the continuum. And I reserve the right to say no if I want to or need to.

We'll see.

I have learned this, this summer, I think.

I am of value and I matter. This camp may actually need me (at least right now) as much as I need it. There are lives here that I am touching and helping grow. There is more growing that I have yet to do. My heart may not be as dead and shriveled as I sometimes imagine that it is. There are worse things than being lonely. We can control our hearts if we want to, and that is not a bad thing. You can't force your heart to feel something, though, and that is OK too.

Oh, and boundaries are boundaries, and they are a good thing, and I have them and am aware of them and that is a good thing. Even if other people don't have them or use them or understand them, my awareness can be enough for both of us and I can at least protect myself, if not them.

But age, is just a number. Past 18 and high school, it has little to do with anything. Maturity, wisdom and experience are paramount. Time is necessary for those things, though, and some people really are slower than others. It can make you older, but it often makes you younger. If you are lucky it does both.

Last of all.

There is nothing finer in life, than the smile on the face of someone you helped.