Unsure, Confused, Tired...

It's Sunday and I had a nice weekend, but I am still very conflicted about some things and rapidly running out of time.

Early in the year I began to recognize that a situation I may or may not be in was probably not ideal and possibly not conducive to my emotional health for all that it met some real needs/gaps in my life. This summer sort of really brought that issue into the forefront.

So I recognized it, bemoaned it, and then promptly hid from it. But I knew there would be a reckoning.

Someone wise and trustworthy has come forward and said that they would step in and at least bring the situation to people's attention. I was grateful to dodge the bullet.

Now I am not sure.

In solving the problem I do stand to loose something of value to me. There will be a hole. Further there will be awkwardness and maybe even some pain.

If I was honest, I am not even sure I want the problem solved.

Except that I know it is probably a problem and probably not really right.

But after this summer there is a chance it will simply go away, so why can't I just wait.

If I don't let my friend step in for me, I still have time to do it myself, but... I'll have to do it myself. There are problems to that solution as well.

I really need to figure this out.

There is another possibility.

This is in my head, this is my problem, just a symptom of my staggering dysfunction as an adult in adult relationships.

My therapist and I agree that in many ways I arrested emotionally at the point when Mom left us. When I was 15. He says in many ways, for all that I am intelligent, self aware and mature, that I am still that wounded 15 year old and I have to face this issue to move on.

He's right.

But I still am not sure of the answer to this.

And I don't like the cost.

This is where the tears come and I rail at the sky.

"Why do I have to be alone? What did I do that was so wrong? Why can't someone just love me? What is wrong with me? How do I keep ending up here? When does the pain stop? Why can't this just be simple?"

So with less than three days to go to reckoning and possible moment of truth I am fearful, unsure, confused and tired to tears.

I imagine I'll live though.

(Sorry I have nothing funny to add. I'll think about it a bit and get back to you later.)