Two Cent Psychologist on Marriage

Today a friend of mine asked me a serious question.

Question: When do you think is an OK age to get engaged? Or when are you to young? Is there a certain number?

Answer: Yep, I remember that age, that experience, watching all the rings being exchanged around me and thinking “What the heck?” I’ve gone through that wave several times and now there are also the waves of people getting pregnant too. As someone who has neither been engaged or pregnant, I might not be the best to advise on this issue, but the upshot to watching so many is that I have been able to notice a couple things, objectively, of course.

First, engagements always seem to come in waves, and there will be more in your immediate life time. The point being, it’s not just your age group. It just seems to happen that way. I’m not sure if it’s like the original idea that everyone ends up having simultaneously or what, but that’s the way it works. College tends to be ripe with it, especially in the senior year because 1) college is one of the best places to meet people of similar interests and ambitions while working on said similar interests and ambitions (rather than the older model of dating the children of your parent’s friends who had similar socio-economics and culture and all lived in a 100 mile radius) and 2) the idea of being out on your own in the world as a grown up is crippling and so people tend to try to put a “hold” on something. A wedding is a way to not be going out in the world alone. You know?

It’s funny. When I was your age (Oh God, here we go…) I wanted to be married. I looked around at my friends with their boy friends and grand plans and (as much as I actually dislike them) weddings and I thought, “why not me?” and “I’m missing out!” and all the other things girls think when their friends get married, especially their best friends. But here’s the thing. The people that were really ready to get married are still the same people, they are just as happy and it didn’t matter if they were of the older or younger variety (and I have watched both). The ones that were not ready, oddly enough it had nothing to do with their age either. They are just as unhappy. My Dad wasn’t really good and ready to be married until after 20 years of marriage when my mother left him… That’s why he’s so happy with my step mom, but they were both in their mid forties at their wedding. At 31 I find myself thinking I had no clue at 22 what I wanted in life and had no business thinking I should yoke my life to someone else’s. Watching my friend and her husband together almost seven years later, just proves that point to me. And they are the happy ones, I think!

They have shown that all these religious Baptist kids who get married so early so they can legally have sex, are all also getting divorced before they are 30. How terrible is that? Some people think six months is the perfect engagement. Just enough time to plan a wedding. Let me just tell you. These young people often need to be engaged a long time, to really figure this whole thing out and make sure it’s a good idea (and that does not and should not include living together…!) and yet a lot of these older folks just need enough time to send out invitations, because they already know their own minds and are ready.

Engagement (or marriage) should not be about checking a box, or panicking at the thought of being on your own. It’s not even about raising children with someone(and all the parts necessary before that…) it’s about looking at who is running the same race there beside you and is on the same track and whom you won’t mind running next to for the rest of your life (dun dun dun!) I think Josh Harris said something about can you picture them at 60 and does it make you smile...

Honestly with the exception of childbearing being easiest when you are in your early 20’s I see few reasons to be married before the age of 25… You don’t have diabetes (males who are careless with insulin tend to be impotent before they turn 40… though there are drugs for that now…), you are not a missionary (who is going out into the unknown and needs to take a wife with them), you have not been dating this girl for the better part of your life, making this a forgone conclusion (and not a lot of people should really do it that way anyway, but…) and no one has gotten pregnant (thank God!... right?) The girl even told me she doesn’t know what she wants to do with her life yet, and that’s a pretty big journey. You’re not sure what you are going to do yet either. None of these are conducive to that leap. I have friends who will tell you that kind of stuff doesn’t matter. That it’s all faith… I’ve heard that a lot. Of the six couples who went with that theory (that I know, anyway), two are divorced, two are miserable (and probably soon to be divorced) and two are “making it work.” I’m English, not math, but those don’t sound like good odds. Did I mention they were all Christians and while not all virgins, all abstained during courtship till wedding day. In that I mean by most religious standards they did it right, but they really didn’t, you know?

It’s not about wanting it or even needing it, it’s about waiting until being engaged and married is the most logical, reasonable course of action.

When my Dad met my step-mom he just knew. And even though I wasn’t thrilled with how fast they were going, it just made sense. No one could argue with that. There’s a couple in my church, he proposed on the third date and they were married two months later. Sounds hokey, but it just made sense. No one was flustered or panicked or trapped. The really great marriages that I have watched (not to say that everyone doesn’t have their rough spots, they do) all worked that way. Really.

The reason I have so much to is that my brother and I were talking about this yesterday. There was a lot of context that I'm not gonna get into (some mine, some his) but the bottom line was that marriage is hard. Good, wonderful, amazing, terrifying, desolating, agonizing... hard work. What boxer goes into a ring with out being prepared, being in shape, knowing their opponent, having a good coach, having the right equipment and knowing that this is what they absolutely and completely want with every part of their being? Not the ones who win, anyway.

I can't answer this question for you, in that I can’t just give you a number. But for what it is worth, that is my two cents.

Spend it wisely.