Hopeless

Today in therapy my therapist was asking me about a situation that occurred some time ago and he asked me if I felt hopeless.

I told him no.

Then I realized that I have never been hopeless.

Never.

I think maybe that is a result of God in my life, not even maybe, but certainly.

This was a line of thought I wanted to pursue for a while. So we did.

The fact that I have felt trapped, cheated, and even alone, but never believed there was no way out, no answer, no possibility was a real surprise as a realization to me.

Not like I was upset about the idea, just surprised.

People often tell me that I am one of the happier people they know, and I find myself very flattered, but thinking they are a little crazy. I was also told by a wonderful friend once that it was because I was bubbly and out going. Another friend once told me that with one exception no matter what happens I bounce back. She said that this quality was one of the things she admired most about me... as I laid on the floor of the church office whining about the one thing it took me a bit longer to get over... anyway!

I was struck by the idea as I sat on the couch that a lack of hopelessness might be what other people see and translate in ways that surprise me...

Today, I think I was happy with myself. This therapy is unlike anything else I have done and I am learning more about myself than I thought I could. I am also looking at a point of completion. It is a ways away, and it is not easy, but it is there. This burden that I have been carrying is something I seem to have simply stood around and held. Sometimes it was added to, and I held it, but I wasn't looking for the place to dump it, so I continued to carry it. Sometimes I was even so distracted to set it down, and rested, but... Now I feel like I am finally walking toward the dump off point and there will be an end to this.

Today I found myself incredibly hopeful!