Relieved, Surprised, Confused, Peaceful

There is peace today. I'm not sure why. Technically I didn't do anything and frankly best I can tell neither did anyone else, really, per say, but...

Today I am peaceful.

Maybe it was letting go, maybe it was accepting, facing and moving on. Maybe it was simply time.

There was no reckoning, though I imagine that may still happen eventually, possibly, sometime.

It's not closing the book, but I think I have guessed the ending and I am OK with it. Actually I am excited to read the future volumes secure in the roles of the characters.

Oh, and I talked to my Dad and brother about it. That always makes things better.

In discussing it with them, for all that they allowed me to be validated, I could see the juvenile aspects to the situation. (Making my therapist again, right!) Further, I also saw that the bigger problem here is not really mine. Most importantly, I saw how much I was influenced by the opinions and observations of some other, albeit well meaning, individuals.

Last night one of the others started in on me again and I saw how he actually stirs up drama where there is less than more. It is well meaning on his part, he's trying to help, but... Not to say that there wasn't/isn't an issue, but it really, as I said, isn't so much mine.

Also, speaking of juvenile.

There was an issue at camp last week.

A director was fired. While originally I felt they were salvageable (they were making some mistakes, but I thought we could work with them) turns out I was wrong. They were doing something that I find completely unacceptable under any circumstance. Unfortunately they were fired after I had already contracted the towels (embroidered with name and year) that I give to senior staff each year. Now I had a problem.

I couldn't give them the towel. But I couldn't use it or give it to anyone else. It had their name on it for goodness sake! So when others were looking for a towel to use to create torches for lighting the campfire I offered it up. Unfortunately the use of that towel as a torch (and the replacement co-directors being the ones to wield them... which was not my idea) got back to said fired director.

He called me at camp. He asked me if it was true what happened. I said yes. He asked me what my part in it was. I said I gave the towel when one was requested. Then he didn't say a whole lot else. I'm not sure what he wanted me to say. I imagine he was mad and/or hurt. However, he did not buy the towel, it was never his property and well, it just is what it is.

I'm sorry he was hurt, but I'm not sure why he thought calling me was a good idea or what he wanted to know. There was nothing I could tell him that was going to help and nothing I could do at that point.

My father and I talked about that too.

So today I am peaceful and it is a good thing. No mysteries solved exactly, nothing resolved completely, but today, for whatever break it is, is peaceful.