Not Crazy

It's that stupid ants under my skin thing. I just have to wait this out... Sometimes I'm right and it's important and sometimes I am just nuts. My gut says this one is real, but it usually does.

Does this make my insane?

Why do I have this kind of reaction to things?


The scariest question is whether I was made to do this... Is this premonition ants and skin thing some kind of weird gift? Then why is it wrong sometimes but also sometimes right?

I need to go to bed. I have to work out tomorrow.

Maybe it's just Halloween?

That's how we do it where I'm from...

Everyone was so very nice at my W-EMT class. There were 13 of us there. 5 were from one county EMS system, 2 were from another professional EMS system, another pair was from a volunteer system, one was a medical student who worked Search and Rescue and Ski Patrol, one was an instructor of EMT's and one was a corpman from a sniper unit in Iraq, newly home. Then there was me.

There are a lot of stories I suppose. Where to start.

(Begin at the beginning and when you get to the end stop....)

To begin with, I had set up to rent a small utility vehicle. I ended up with a huge (not my pick, by the way, they couldn't find the keys to the car I was supposed to have...) Chrysler SUV with less than 10 miles on it. It was huge and nice, but huge and not really what I was used to.

The first night when I got there I was so amazed that I hadn't gotten lost on the way I didn't believe I was in the right place. I entered the lodge and asked if this was the lodge. The poor folks in the building at the time were students themselves and not really sure of my question. Eventually we all got on the same page and thankfully they helped me with my luggage. They asked me about the car...

The next day we started class. We started with lecture and then moved into practical simulations with moulage on patients to simulate injuries. The first one was a fall with a laceration and rib fracture. I was a rescue worker on that one (as opposed to a patient). This time a had a partner and she was much more experienced than I. It was kind of a sink or swim thing as I was a bit rusty on my assessment, so I had to explain to her that I was not a moron, just out of practice.

The next exercise I was the patient. I was a Gun Shot Wound (GSW) victim who was "guppy breathing" on the ground. Apparently my blood pressure was through the roof, which I have decided to attribute to guppy breathing on the ground for nearly ten minutes. Oh, and the altitude.

Then we had our first big simulation. I was a worker, but not a lead. When we got to our simulated rock climbing accident, one guy was hanging from a rope bleeding arterial from his femur and the other had suffered a severe head trauma and was on the ground unconscious and vomiting. I was helping with the puking kid. We back boarded him and cut his shirt open. I began respiration, but that meant I couldn't really breath into the mask (the guy wasn't really dead...) and then I noticed I was all by myself. The others were all working on the other guy. Meanwhile the second simulation had started and that set of patients were screaming bloody murder. This poor guy on the board must have been freezing (he had his shirt cut off and I was blowing on him...) Actually he was laughing because the other team's girl screaming didn't exactly sound like she was in pain so much as well, um, not in pain, and also instead of blowing away from him, I sort of (and I didn't mean to) kept blowing across his nipple until I figured it out and stopped. Then he "died." So we kind of declared him and went to work on our other guy (all together... no rest for the dead.)

That night I went to the grocery store I found first in town. Apparently it was designed by a schizophrenic. It had three or four (or more) different sections, none of which corresponded to the normal distribution of a grocery store. I needed a dramamine after I left for the disorientation. then I came back all set to make BLATS (Bacon, Lettuce, Avocado, Tomato Sandwiches...) but the bigger group invited me to have dinner with them. It was pretty good. then I tried to read over fifty pages before I went to bed.

The next day we did more simulations. We talked about spine stabilization and how to carry people. I hid under a truck to prove the point that I could think of interesting and challenging scenarios. I was also a combative patient with a broken clavicle. That evening I went into town again, though this time a couple guys came with me so I wasn't by myself.

The next day we had big simulations again. This time I was the patient. I had a dislocated shoulder and pretty ugly, contaminated hand evulsion of sorts. Also I was supposed to be having an Acute Stress Reaction. Further, I was told to give everyone else Acute Stress Reactions until someone fixed my shoulder. Meanwhile the other patient was impaled on a helicopter blade. The stripped him down and poor guy was suffering from real hypothermia before we were done. When I was "healed" I went to help with that case. By then I had pretty much ticked everyone off with my crying, screaming and carrying on... But the fact that I actually fell firmly on my but during the whole escapade mollified many.

That night we drove into town to go to Walmart. I didn't go in, I used the time to talk on the phone where I had service. But it was nice to get out.

The next day we learned about snakes, bites and helicopters. We all went out that night to a Mexican restaurant that put Parmesan in everything... I think that is weird. One of the guys kept asking about daylight savings. I explained that it was moved back, by an act of congress. He didn't believe me. He said, "We'll you're from the south..." Like we are some foreign country. Oh no, he didn't!

On Sunday I was his patient with constipation. First he asked if I could be pregnant. I told him it was possible. Then he asked me about birth control and then asked me about my sexual activity. I was really getting tired of this jerk.
We took the test and during the wait on the simulation I snuck in and checked my (and several others) scores just so I could enjoy te sim without stressing the test. I passed, so did all the people I enjoyed time with...

Then we ran the last sim. The jerk was my patient, a hiker caught in a flash flood with hypothermia and a broken pelvis. So I did what I needed to, I cut him out of his wet clothes (exposing him to the 35 degree weather in nothing but wet underwear) and bound up his pelvis in such a way that apparently pinched several important parts. Then we packaged him and carried him the half mile out. When he complained to me about his treatment later, I smiled and answered, "That's how we do it in the south."

Was that wrong?

Seriously, the class was a blast. Like summer camp for grown-ups and
I wish it had been a week longer. On the way home I called my crush at work to make sure my classes were covered the next day. He mistook me for a girl he had met the weekend before, but been to drunk to catch her name before he gave her his number. It was a rather odd conversation. Until I knew the details as to why, just this morning, I didn't know why hew was so strange on the phone... Now I do...

Tomorrow I really do go back to my work outs. I imagine I will be seriously sore. So to put it off I am cooking winter soup, chili, and chicken noodle soup for school tomorrow, just because.

Also I still have this issue on my mind which makes me feel crazy. I'll have to see how it works out. Hopefully I am not as crazy as I think. We'll see.

Boo!

Happy Halloween!

I'm not wearing a costume today, I decided, but I have a cute sweat-shirt my step-mother gave me for the occasion and I am going to wear that with jeans. Then I am going to read ghost stories to the class.

No candy though. Thank You!

Stay safe, everyone and remember...

Spook only when you are spooken to!

Happy Halloween!

Prayer Request....

Quick time out.

If you think about it, pray about God's will in something during the month of November. No one's hurt and it's not a matter of life or death, but I've just got this kind of feeling about something and I need to work it out... I'll let ya'll know how it works out.

Sorry I can't be more specific, but I promised I wouldn't tell, even on the blog.

Thanks,

~Sandy

No Way!

As part of an exercise for my Teacher Support Specialist class (four hours every Tuesday from 4:30 to 8:30PM YIKES!) we had to be blindfolded and led through a maze of chairs only by someones voice. Can I jut say that right now my shins hurt.

I had the best time, but I used my hands to check my surroundings.

The kids were glad to see me back at school, but they complained about the cold. After literally spending the last week watching people turn blue from hypothermia, I wasn't particularly sympathetic. Besides, I am my own personal furnace. Seriously. My hands were burning hot all day...

I have to go to the gym tomorrow. I figure my sore muscles will be my trick for the evening as it's been almost two weeks. At least without the altitude I won't sound like an asthmatic hacking up a lung... Seriously, I will never call the elevation where I live mountains again. After the North West, I see I knew squat all about mountains!

Happy Halloween!

By the way I am working on creating categories for posts, they aren't complete yet, but I'm getting there.

Drinking from the Carton

Milk just tastes better that way. That's all there is to it. I don't know why. Carton's taste better than jugs, and cartons that open out taste better than the ones with the opening spout on one side.

Once, right before my mom left she caught me (at 14) drinking out of the milk carton in the fridge. She laughed and said that my brother and father and I deserved each other because we all did it.

I have it on good authority that this from the carton thing is a male trait. Maybe. But it still just tastes better that way.

Once, one of the boys at camp caught me (in my refrigerator, not a food service jug...) and laughed. "Now that is sexy," he said.

There is a competition at camp called the gallon challenge. Who can drink an ice cold gallon of whole milk the fastest before they start violently puking. It strikes me as a rather stupid game, though I can think of worse, and one of the reasons is because they are wasting milk at it's best...

Straight from the carton!

Oh, by the way. Home from my W-EMT class and I passed! Everyone else there... EVERYONE!... was so much better at this stuff than I was and I was totally outclassed, but it was still really cool and I learned lots. A couple of the folks there I hope may even be real friends now. Really terrific folks...

Worlds Colliding

Sometimes it seems like I live in several very separate worlds and they occasionally are at extreme odds with each other.

I have my life in education, medicine, caretaking, church and of course camp and they are very different places inhabited by very different people. All of these worlds are very important to me. They make up so much of who I am in my entire world...

Being here with these awesome people who are rescue workers, fire fighters, ski patrol, EMT's, Paramedics, Instructors, Research fellows, PA's, Truck Drivers, and lots of other things as well, fathers, husbands, friends, family, deacons, local city councilmen, and chefs it is so clear to me that the kind of people who do what we do are so very diverse and yet in so many ways so very similar. These are good people. Their education, religion, background and interests are so different, but we are all here to learn the same thing, how to help others who are a long way from help.

It's late, I'm tired and I imagine that is why I am finding myself rather philosophical...

I look up at this very clear, very cold, very beautiful night sky, the same one I sit in the amphitheater and look up at late at night in the warm summer nights of camp and see the same stars. The world is so very small, in a good way, I think. It feels very safe and warm... Even with all these different worlds colliding...

Death by Acronym!

This wilderness EMT thing is awesome. Seriously. Awesome. I am having a blast.

Just one thing.

Acronyms.

There is an Acronym for everything in the medical world.

TBI = Traumatic Brain Injury

ICP = Inter Cranial Pressure

MOI = Mechanism of Injury

FOOSH = Fall Onto Out Stretched Hands

There is also FOAM, BEAM, STOPEATS, and quite a few more. They are starting to make me a bit crazy IYKWIM... If you know what I mean!

Anyway.

I'm learning lots. The people here are from such diverse backgrounds, though I am from the farthest away. Most of these are at least Northerners, all are Westerners. They are very welcoming, and not condescending or belittling at all. I knew that was unlikely, but still, who knew for sure...

Today I got to be a severe trauma patient for a massive rescue simulation. I Dislocated my shoulder and tore my hand up in a huge Helicopter Crash. I was suffering additionally from severe ASR (Acute Stress Reaction) until they "reduced" my injury in field. Sufficed to say, when I am supposed to have AMS (Altered Mental Status) from stress I can be pretty DIC (Disoriented, Irritated and Combative.) The poor EMT assigned to me was really pressed to be sure.

Well.

TTFN!

What was I thinking?

Cold Feet have set in.

Going over this list of "supplies" for my wilderness EMT class has got me panicking like a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. Everyone else seems to think this is very funny. That is not really comforting.

There is a part of me that figures I'll be OK and that it won't be so bad. Then there is the pigtail side of me that is screaming about choking, failing, falling and making a fool of myself.

How ridiculous is this?

Granted at this point I have spent more on equipment and gear than the cost of the course and my plane ticket.

Helmet, head-lamp, water-bottles, captain's chairs, power bars, socks, boots, synthetic apparel, gloves, hats, bedding, and all kinds of other little things...

What was I thinking?

I am going to be fine. I am going to have a great time. This is going to be OK. My fears will seem silly in hindsight...

Isn't it funny that someone who has been through as much as I have can still be as big a coward as I am?

If I were king of the forest....!

Seriously.

Relief

I'm free! I'm free! For the next 10 days, no school!

Except for the classes that I am taking.

My assistant principal thinks I'm nuts. He's not wrong. But I am excited about my frontier adventure in the Western Wilds with (fingers crossed) big burly rescue minded gentleman...

For all that I really like this group of kids this year, I am happy for the break and I breathed more freely as they left my trailer for the last time for the next ten days.

I find my self wondering if I will miss people at work... Crushes as work, but people in general. I've become closer friends with so many at work lately. It's a good thing.

I'm free! I'm free!

What?

So I was at Kroeger's shopping for a couple ingredients for this soup I like to make and had decided spur of the moment to put together and I bumped into a scout master that I know from camp. We started talking, about camp things, and we walked toward the door.

He's a nice guy. Bigger guy, huge grey beard and a big smile. Anyway, we were talking about camp-outs and his troop and he handed me his card and told me to call him and he would make me dinner and we'd watch a movie. He added that he had about 600. For some reason I thought we were still talking about scouts and camping and that he meant 600 scouts! I said sure. He smiled real big then. I added that we aught to talk about me working with his boys sometime on First Aid and CPR... He said,

"We'll get to that eventaully."

And that was when I knew that I had actually tentatively accepted a date. Now I'm the one with his card and I'm supposed to call/e-mail him. First of all, not how I do things, but I don't want to hurt his feelings. Secondly, well, not what I was thinking of when I met him. Though I am trying to keep an open mind...

How do I manage to do this stuff? I really am dense.

Isn't that just me?

Nanaism

"So if you ever come home and can't find the dogs, it's because I ate them."

OK, Nana. Make sure to take small lady-like bites.

Giggly School Girl

Crush spent almost two hours working on the components of a practical joke on me. It didn't quite work out the way they wanted it to, but I couldn't help but smiling all day to think that I inspired this in him and that I was on his mind all evening the night before.

How silly is that?

I'm so glad I have perspective on this. I haven't had this much fun with a crush since high school.

It's nice. He really is a great guy and I enjoy his company. Hopefully we will be friends a long time. Something tells me we will. Even after this crush nonsense is long over. It will pass I am sure.

But I am enjoying the giddies in the meantime.

giggle

So I told her

I called my mother this morning to explain to her that while she was welcome at my house, because of the things she said on Friday I was not comfortable with her being here alone with Nana. The premise of her being here while I am gone is so that I won't worry and now, frankly I will worry more, so...

Mom said she was hurt, and that she was busy anyway so she just wasn't coming at all. I guess that's fine. I really had been looking forward to her visit, with the exception of the vacation issue, so I am disappointed, but I understand. It must have been an awful thing to hear. It is the closest I have come to outright saying I don't trust her. Which, is more true than not.

I suppose I should be proud for standing up on this one.

But I'm not. Not this morning. Maybe not for a long time.

I'm sorry, Mom, but I had to. Forgive me, but I just couldn't handle it, otherwise.

I still love you.

Do you ever wonder...

My mom asked me Friday, on the phone, as we were discussing her plans to come visit and help take care of Nana while I am on vacation,

"Do you ever think about just not giving Nana her medications?"


No, Mom, I don't. I never think about that. Frankly I am disturbed and disgusted that you do. Especially when you add to the discussion your feeling that it is a shame that all of Nana's assets will go to pay for her health care costs over the next ten years and how that isn't fair because her family, aka you, should get it instead.

Today I am ashamed to be your daughter. You are no longer welcome to be alone with my grandmother.

You can visit, but I will be here while you visit.

Just so we are clear.

My grandmother will not go home until God takes her and not a day or minute before and not because of your machinations.

No, Mother, I never wonder.

This Morning

He texted to appologize. Then we spoke on the phone for a bit. Maybe it was the sleep deprivation, but I think he meant it when he appologized again.

And every time it happens I say next time that will be it, no more friendship.

This time I caved, but at least I said something.

Maybe next time I will carry through the rest of the way.

Maybe it won't happen again.

Is this co-dependence or is this growth. I don't know the answer.

Oh, and I spoke to the other him for an hour after work today. We talked so long it made me late to my work-out appt. I didn't care. It was so nice to just spend time with him. Maybe having someone else to talk to, to fill that void makes it easier to stand up to the other problem. Maybe it will be enough if next time comes.

We'll see.

So I am an angry coward. Great.

He did it again. He called me that word.

I promised myself if he did it again that would be it.

Instead I explain why I was angry.

He explained that he was trying and he would try to be more concious of the issue, and he also gave the excuse that it was a common word in his generation and this is me taking it personally.

So tonight I am angry at him and at me and I think I might be angrier at myself.

It's not fair that because he's an idiot that I could lose a friend. How is that fair? Why do I want to be friends with someone this stupid? How can I love someone like that? What does it say about me?

Why do I try to defend him to others who want to know why I put up with this?

And then there are all the times when he is such a great friend and the fact that he is still learning and growing and this is just hard and complicated and I just want him to stop calling me that under any circumstnaces.

Being a Grown-Up

This afternoon I was talking to a new teacher who was feeling a bit over-whelmed. One of the major concerns was feeling like they were flying by the seat of their pants all the time. I found myself laughing at their quasi-despair.

Another veteran teacher and I were talking about it later (gracious, doesn't that make us sound old, VETERAN!!!!) and what we told this very frustrated teacher.

First, all new teachers go through "The Dip," that time when reality kicks in and we feel overwhelmed and despair of our ability to get through to the children.

Second, contrary to popular theory, grown-ups do not have it any more together than anyone else. We frequently fly by the seat of our pants and just as often "fake it." Why should teaching be any different than the rest of the world?

Maybe being a grown-up is the moment that you realize that?

What a funny little song

But I love it for some reason. It appears in the movie "The Doctor" with William Hurt. He plays a doctor diagnosed with cancer who has to come to face his own humanity and mortality. Elizabeth Perkins is another cancer patient, though terminal, who helps him through it. They dance together on the plains in one scene, just feeling a moment, to this music. The words are even stranger than the melody, but I just love it.

Strange Angels, by Laurie Anderson

They say that heaven is like TV
A perfect little world
that doesn't really need you
And everything there
is made of light
And the days keep going by
Here they come Here they come
Here they come.

Well it was one of those days larger than life
When your friends came to dinner
and they stayed the night
And then they cleaned out the refrigerator -
They ate everything in sight
And then they stayed up in the living room
And they cried all night

Strange angels - singing just for me
Old stories - they're haunting me
This is nothing
like I thought it would be.

Well I was out in my four door
with the top down.
And I looked up and there they were:
Millions of tiny teardrops
just sort of hanging there
And I didn't know whether to laugh or cry
And I said to myself:
What next big sky?

Strange angels - singing just for me
Their spare change falls on top of me
Rain falling Falling all over me
All over me
Strange angels - singing just for me
Old Stories - they're haunting me
Big changes are coming
Here they come
Here they come.

Perspective

Therapy intervenes.

This is the part where it gets pointed out to me that crushes are normal, I am normal and a crush is not a bad thing. Further there was a lot said to the effect that men and women are designed to be attracted to each other, in most male female freindships there is an imbalance of romantic attraction and that most effective adults simply acknowledge the feelings and then press on.

The therapist and I discussed what my options were. Discontinuing contact is not the answer nor a reasonable option considering the situation. IT wouldn't be fair to him, either, he didn't do anything wrong. Neither did I. Neither am I.

My therapist wanted to know why the idea of having a crush on someone was an idea that had me panicking and in tears. At first I wasn't sure. Still not really, except to say that crushes never work out for me. The idea that I find someone interesting garauntees they don't think of me as anything but a sexless, benevolant aunt. That is so good for my ego by the way.

So I am trying to look at this positively. I am going to learn to deal with these kinds of issues with out having nervous break downs and crying jags. We'll see how it goes. In the meantime, while if he was a girl and we were just friends it would be appropriate, I will not invite him to dinner.

But I will enjoy the friendship and not panic in the meantime.

Perspective.

God, Help me!

"You are not arrogant, you are just really honest and you know what you can do."

"I wish I was more like you."

"I really admire that about you."

Stupid boys who have no idea what they are doing to my insides need to shut up.

No, you cannot be my writing partner, cannot direct shakespeare with me, cannot sit down and talk to me about what I know about literature.

Not a good idea.

I don't care how nice you are, how sweet you are, how earnest you are. You are playing with fire and you don't even know.

They don't see me as a woman and they don't think about what they do to me.

Oh, and he graduated from high school in '01. I'd been teaching for 2 years! He could have called me Miss X! Oh, heck no!

I am in so much trouble.

Trusted friend texts, "Go 4 it."

What an idiot! Another stupid boy. I am surrounded by stupid boys.

Why does this happen to me?

Crush

There is a good possibility that I am nursing a growing crush on someone. This is not a good thing. These things never end well and my heart always seems to get ripped to pieces. Often without the crush even ever knowing so they go on being a good friend. That makes it worse and all the more dysfunctional. Seeing it coming doesn't even help. I can't seem to stop it.

So I called a trusted friend and asked him to slap me stupid. He seems to think this is a good thing and laughed jovially. When I am in tears at three in the morning I'm calling his but, let me just tell you. We'll see how funny he thinks it is then.

This is going to be a problem, I can just tell. That's why I've avoided this situation, successfully I might add for years. No the previous situation does not count, it was not, nor ever will be a crush or true romantic entanglement it was just loneliness, stupidity and boundary issues. But that's the point. That wasn't a crush and see what a mess it was? Exactly!

This is going to be a disaster. God must find me really amusing. Here, let me put a jester hat on to complete the look.

Are you kidding me?

Monday greeted me with two parent emails.

The first was anonymous. You cannot be serious. What kind of ridiculous parent e-mails a teacher anonymously. What a moron. They were e-mailing to "inquire" aka complain about my vocabulary quizzing methods. My gut was to beat them like a rented mule verbally until they bled from every pore. Now, obviously, that is not what I did. I found an administrator. He recommended being positive and enforcing the idea that I do not punish students for moronic parents. So I did. However I had a long talk with all my classes about asking questions, why I was doing things the way I was and I may have mentioned that receiving anonymous e-mails tended to make me felt like I was being stalked. Hopefully that should clear up the issue.

The other e-mail was from a parent who is a teacher in my county. They were reaming me because I was forcing to make their child read obscene filth and further denying them their right to read the bible continuously in my class. This parent quoted three (count 'em) three passages of the students rights code at me. They also threatened to meet with meeting with the principal if I was not reasonable on this issue. So I being the reasonable god fearing individual that I am said... "Whatever you want. You tell me... That's fine!" Oh then the tune changes. I was wonderful. Further, I was the teacher and therefore he trusted me to pick what was best and necessary for his son.

The part that kills me was that by Tuesday afternoon a different student came and asked me if it was true that they could read The Left Behind Series in place of To Kill a Mockingbird. I think I threw up a little bit in my mouth. It is such a sad balance.

Parents are so crucial, and there are a lot of good ones out there. I've met them. It just seems like none of them are ever the parents of my students... That's not true. There have been some good ones of those too, it's just...

Really nice guy, new teacher at our school. I showed him my conundrums for the day. He laughed. He said it was nice to know that there there were always going to be pains in the butt, even after his first year. His laughter helped me keep the whole ridiculous mess in perspective.

But, still, are you kidding me?

Plugging

Sometimes it seems like there is so much welling up in my heart and yet there is no where to express it, no way to explain it and no one to listen anyway. Other times I feel like I am shouting so much everyone is covering their ears as they pass... So still no one hears.

It is not actually an alone feeling, exactly. It is more that I feel incomplete and incapable to express. It is not distress. It is definately not depression, it just is.

There if fullfillment in my life, taking care of Nana, work, camp, church, the dogs, my writing, so it is not emptiness.

It's more like emotional restless leg syndrome.

My father and I spoke this weekend. I need to e-mail the head of the PhD program that I did not get into and find out what the problem with my applicaiton was. I don't want to. I'm not even sure I want the PhD anymore, nor that I want to know why... But I also know that I need to know why I didn't get in and whether or not I can before I can really say no.

I am begining the next phase of my therapy as well. I have to take all the incidents I wrote out (well over 50 events...) and then fill out this whole chart about what happened, how I felt, what it contradicted in me and a bunch of other stuff. I told my therapist that I didn't want to do this anymore. He laughed. It's the same as the PhD thing. Except in this case, I know I will do this and I will finish whether I want to or not because when I am done I will be happy. I might even be free. Free-er than I ever remember at least.

Anyway, I'm just plugging along out here.

Encouraged

Today I saw a glimmer. It wasn't a huge thing, but today it was enough.

It is so frustrating to work hard and be tired all the time and to make sacrifices of calories and not see the scale change. Today we did measurements. I've lost a half inch off my waist, my hips, my thighs and my calves, each.

Today, that was enough.

I think I made a genuine friend this week. One I kind of hadn't really seen coming. A confidant and a kindred spirit.

This weekend my mother decided not to come for a visit.

Last weekend I spent the day with two delightful women and the most delightful little boy at an open air blue grass concert.

Today I decided to plan a surprise 50th Birthday Party for a wonderful man. Other people want to help.

Yesterday I got an iPod.

Today I spoke to a terrific young man on e-mail.

Today I taught great kids how to write sonnets.

So today, I was encouraged.

Today it was enough.

Today I got to talk to my Dad. And I got to kiss Nana goodnight. The dog came and cuddled in my lap.

It was enough.