Owwwwiiiieee!

So, two weeks ago I had a stye... a glorified pimple in my eye.

Now I have two, one on my upper lid and one in the lower. Pain is acheiving new definitions in my life. Not to mention how ridiculous I look. You know how the muppets have huge eyes and there is a ridge along either eyelid (obstensibly where the seem is) yeah, that's what I look like on that side.

So then today was parent's night. How am I supposed to convince parents that I am not the ogre from the seventh circle of hell that my students say I am when I look like I got punched in the eye by rabid ninjas while walking an old lady across the street.

Trying to fix this thing is worse. Picture me, no contacts and you can't wear glasses while fooling with your eyes... so picture me, in front of the mirror, muppet eye, trying to get these stupid styes to rupture (pop!) by squeezing and then resorting to a very sharp needle... Lucky I didn't end up in the ER... Hate to explain THAT injury.

Both have ruptured as of now, and are mostly cleared out of their disgusting viscous poison goo... but the redness, swelling and pain, not to mention tears are all still there...

And, while I was home today rolling in agony my second period decided to stage a revolt. I will show them revolting. Little Miss Muppet Eye is about to make them write essays until their hands fall off... HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Oh dear! The pain has gone to my head. Where is my Tylenol PM?

Home

Got home Sunday night, got Nana moved back home and then spent all day Monday sleeping...

Today I have ordered a new licence (lost my wallet in a movie theatre a week ago, what a mess) and am taking Nana to do nails. We still have things to do before I go back to work on Friday.

Mom should be here on Wednesday and she will take Nana with her for a "visit" next week. That will give me time to set up a new system here.

Also in about three weeks I go back to graduate school to get my leadership add-on. The idea being that no matter what it will make me a better teacher, but I will have the option of being an administrator if I choose and someone wants me to administrate... I don't think I would like it long term, for all that I think I would be good at it. The classes should be interesting.

My students arrive next Thursday. I am actually looking forward to the new experience that a new class is...

More than any other summer, I am simply glad to be home, for all that things really are a mess right now...

I am ready for Fall.

Maybe it's time

To be done.

Maybe my perspective isn't right anymore.

Maybe I'm not as important as I thought I was.

Maybe this isn't the right place for me anymore.

The "Sandy, you're the best"s just don't seem sincere and don't really matter.

They did not thank Lynne, or Mark or Carnell or Dennis or any of those who work so hard behind the scenes. Yes, that includes me, but that isn't this singular issue.

It is wrong to do it for the sake of getting recognized... that would make me no better than Mr. Bird. But I can't shake the feeling that there was more to be said and it wasn't. If Mike hadn't Daniel really should have.

Mark always says when it's not fun anymore you should go home.

This is starting to feel more like co-dependence than fun.

I could also be tired, but it doesn't nullify the point.

I've got to figure out what to do with Nana, going back to Grad school (and the bill it creates...), figure out the car, deal with school in general and then of course there is my health and my weight and the concern that my heart, through no fault of it's own might explode out my chest...

Maybe it's time.

What they have become...

So let me make sure I got this right.

One group of staff went out last night and got very drunk and were too hungover this morning to make formation... They were directors.

One group was up too late and out too late and made a huge mess of the vans... and then one threw away medical forms in the process of cleaning up.

One group got together and let all the boats and canoes loose in the lake... this is staff mind you. They did not help gather them back up.

Then the group that runs the lake threw a temper tantrum and refused to clean it up until class started and so two periods of kids will not get their merit badges in boating and canoeing... kids who worked hard and paid their money same as everyone else. The program director supported this temper tantrum.

So I took the food I usually make for Friday afternoon directors doing grades and gave it to the kitchen staff. All that cheese and mexican food would not have been good on hung-over, self indulgent, lazy stomaches...

Meanwhile Mr. Bird complains to anyone he can find that I did not give him an X-mas present, but other people got them... Not that he gave me one mind you and he won't say anthing to me about it... Go figure. I feel guilty... that I don't feel guilty. I gave rpesents to who I wanted to and I was under no obligation to give one to anyone. This is not kindegarten where I have to give a valentine to everyone even the kids that are mean to me...

What a bunch of self indulgent children they all are.

I weep for their lives...

Late Night Resolve.

The lady that runs Nana's personal care home called last night at 9:30 PM. She was nearly in tears... at one point was crying... Nana is miserable. I spoke to her at length too. This is not working.

The four months, especially the time I am at camp was nessesary. But I cannot keep going through this.

So I spoke to my mom and my brother. Nana is coming back to me. Then maybe she'll spend a few months with mom this fall, maybe not. We'll see. But I need her back, she needs her dog and I am no longer comfortable with the care she is recieving there...

There is actually more comfort in this decision than panic. It's the right thing to do.

I will not let my Nana be that upset and scared if I can help it...

She is coming home.

Sick!

OK, so I was sick. It started as a cold. Standard head cold virus kinda thing. Two days down and then I was better. Then it got worse again, the hacking cough joined the party and there were funny colors not from the pretty rainbow...

Thankfully a doc at camp gently patter my shoulder and said, "Please, let me help you..." Wonderful man! He gave me 750 mg of Leviquin. I am happy to report that after another two days down, that anything bacteria-y that was living in me is quite dead now.

So now I am better. The fourth of July passed. I tried to sing for the show, and choked on a bug during America the Beautiful. Very attractive and melodically...
Yeah right.

I've also now had two run in's with administrator types, Victorious types, who are morons and suffer from the delusion that they are the John Wayne of Boy Education. May it bite them firmly in the but! I should be so lucky. My luck I will be thrown under the bus like my predecessors on these kinds of fiascos. No I cannot and will not be more specific. HIPPA and Youth Protection dictate that. Morons!

Also, I am now almost blindingly strawberily BLONDE! God Help us All! I'm getting used to it.

Did I mention it is Christmas in July...?

Excuse Me?

Oh, gotta tell you this one too.

So I was in the Walmart on Sunday morning looking at hair clippers. This really old woman walks up to me and asks, "Do you know of any good shavers?"

I show her the quarto disposable razors for women I was purchasing. She says she was looking for electric because she just could not bend over to shave her legs anymore. I recommended she sit on the toilet (or johnny as she called it) used a thick shaving gel and shave before she got in the shower. She really liked this idea and then asked if I could recommend a shave gel. I did...

Do I look like a information booth about geriatric extremity depilatory?

Oh me!

Last weeks tally

So last week I had...

A kid who threw a knife at a tree. It bounced back and cut him. Go figure.

A kid who got a hole in his head because he got hit by a rock...

They each got two staples a piece.

One poor kid cut his hand on the brand new knife he bought after finishing his toting chip that morning. When he came in his toting chip instructor was up in Medlodge with me... He burst into tears. It wasn't a bad cut, but he learned his lesson. He didn't need a knife in the class he cut himself in, by the way.

Oh! Did I mention on Saturday morning that I woke up to find a camper (18) standing in the middle of my room staring at me? Yeah. He wanted Tylenol. He's lucky he didn't get murdered. There was enough fodder in that moment of waking to fuel nightmares for a week!

The individual I have resigned myself to disliking continues to ask my advice, much to God's amusement I am sure. If I have a well that is continuous, and I have all I want can I turn away someone who is thirsty. Apparently not. But I don't have to like him!

For five years I have done this gig on my own. Two weeks with a real partner and I am terrified about being on my own again for the week. Bet I make it, OK, though. Some of the kids might not...

It's Monday morning and the puking has already begun.

It is worth noting... This summer I am more raw that I have been. Theoretically the protective shield I have hidden behind for so long is falling. That is a good thing, but the skin underneath is so new and delicate. I bleeds. I am trying to navigate all the emotions and it's hard. Other's pain and suffering seems to flow off them like waves and I cry for them. I keep being reassured that this is a good thing, a healing, but then why do I feel so damaged?

Radio Abuse

Long time ago, when I was a young teacher, I envied the administrators with their two way radios. Maybe it was some kind of police-woman fantasy, but (for lack of a better term) it really turned me on. Ya know?

Six summers at camp tethered to one of those things and, yeah, I'm totally over it.

In my case, campers on radios becomes a singular pain. They think it's funny to spew obsenity and jarring noise for hours.

So last night, or rather, this morning, I "thought" I might have heard the word "emergency." Course with the four and a half hours straight of radio play, who could be sure. I notified the administration and at 0030 hours we had a saftey emergency drill.

While I am pretty sleepy, it is kind of exhilierating to not be the only person kept up all night by that stupid squaking device. Seeing the nodding heads of children at breakfast brought me a perverse joy.

Maybe I like radios after all?

Funny. No one else does anymore...

Dear Mr. Bird.

It is a strange thing for me to actively dislike someone. It really is. For the most part I try hard to see the good and value in someone. It is my firm belief that everyone has a place and purpose in life. There are students I do not care for, but I still love them and in some ways, like them. They are our future after all and by calling or choice, they are my responsibility. There are some people I enjoy being around more than others, there is no denying that. But it is strange for me to actively dislike.

It is true that I dislike you.

While I do believe you have value as a person, I feel that you are often rude, disrespectful and ignorant of those around you. Often I think you make your own life more difficult by your refusal to really look at a situation before you jump to conclusions or more detrimentally open your mouth. You frequently hurt and offend people. While I do not believe it is your actual intention, I think you mistake being disrespectful for commanding respect. It is funny to me that your counterpart is respected for precisely the opposite reason. He thinks before he speaks and is humble. He fosters true loyalty because of that choice.

The irony in all of this is that I still want to help you. Or more specifically, you ask for my help and I am willing to give it. I wonder if that must bother you. It is frustrating to me to help you, because I don't like you, but i still feel obligated to give it. Probably because I do not think you are beyond help or hope... maybe that is a form of affection?

You said I wouldn't ask someone I liked to ask my permission before entering my room. I only demand that of you because I don't like you. Actually that is true. However, I need to also point out that those I like frequently if not always ask permission anyway... So in some ways it isn't true. You see they show me respect, you only do when you need help.

It is my belief that you value my opinion or at least respect it, or you wouldn't ask it... but you only seem to value or respect me whey you need the help, often when there is no one else who would help you, much less advise you... That in itself is a lack of respect. So on that count, then, we are even and maybe you should keep that in mind too...

It is my sincere hope and nightly prayer (seriously) that you improve on your endeavour to be a better person. Your success or failure is not my responsibility but my help is available. Right now, however, my friendship, is not.

And that's just the way it is.

At least one of the three

For years I have said that our good luck and low injury rate at camp are due to three things (equal parts) 1) Strong Central Leadership, 2) Consistent Quality of Care/Training from MedLodge and 3) Sheer Dumb Luck.

At least one of those three seems to have run out.

Last week a kid tried to get out of a row boat. He did not take out his oar lock first. It ripped open his calf, down to the bone. The staff was very worried about body substance contamination. I told them bleaching the lake was not an option. There were actual "bits" of this kid left on the boat. I am not just talking blood (though God knows there was plenty of that.)

Another kid, a staffer actually, put a hatchet in his shin. Then he refused to follow medical advice about staying off the leg.

Then there was this rash, which I cannot discuss right now as some staff read this, but sufficed to say I itch just thinking about it.

Another kid was hearing voices. Let's leave that there.

I had kids trying to take off fingers, breaking wrists and nosy scout leaders who should be shot.

One kid was caught with dubious pink powder and a snorting straw. That was a nightmare involving the police in two different locations and three counties!

Add in that someone is not turning out to be the leader I expected them to be (not to mention that they dismissed me from a meeting in someone else's office... the nerve!) and you have an interesting summer... Still five weeks to go.

But the light moments are here too. The laughter, the jokes, the talks. Dad came to visit.

I'm making a picture wall in my clinic. I call it "The Wall of Pain."

God and his sense of humor.

So, on Saturday I had a long talk with my therapist. We discussed that I had really had it with someone.

"I don't like him. I have never liked him, but for the past three years I have tried. I think I can stop trying now. It's not like a wish him ill, I just don't like him. If he was on fire and I was standing there drinking tea I'd throw my tea on him. I'm just not sure I'd go to the faucet to fill up the glass for another toss."

My therapist said it was healthy for me to come to these realizations.

Sunday night, the same person came to me. "Sandy, I think I have a real problem with my anger management. Do you think you can help me?"

So now I am counseling this person to help them function better in the camp/professional environment.

Tell me God is laughing his head off somewhere?

Angry, Frustrated and Dissappointed...

Boys are stupid. OK, that's not fair. There are a big group of boys up here who are stupid though. Like, I want to beat their heads in with shovels, stupid.

Trying to explain would be pointless, tedious and probably boring to the outside observer, but sufficed to say a boy here at camp has managed to prove to me that all the growth I thought I had witnessed recently was almost as big a farce as his actual behavior on Friday. What's worse is that he knows I'm mad and I don't know how to explain this to him.

The good news is though, that I have accepted that I truly dislike someone else on staff after trying for three long years to get along with him. I have decided that is OK. Really.

So I am getting over it.

Catching Up

So now I am at camp. Somehow, even with the standard problems, comedy of errors, general stupidity, all the normal stuff that ensues up here, life is better, mountains are more climbable, here at camp, life is good!

So to catch up.

I started having some health issues, but I decided to put off going to see a doctor until I finished the 5K. So I finished the 5K. I came in dead last, lapped by the Biathlon people who started ten minutes later, but I finished. 54 of the longest minutes of my life, but I finished. I will do better next time. The next Tuesday, the diagnosis was Congestive Heart Failure. Panic and Hilarity ensued. However, turns out they were wrong. According to the cardiologist, I'm just fat and need to join Weight Watchers. I hope she never gets sick and scared to death and goes to see someone with as much insensitivity and lack of listening skills like she has. No one deserved the day that was. However, I am resolved. I will speak to my regular doctor this week about Lap Banding. If I have to lose weight for these people to take me seriously about something that I believe is a real problem, then I will. But as least I don't have CHF.

Then there was this beautiful wedding and even more beautiful babies. Life is a beautiful circle.

Nana is settling in well at the personal care home. Apparently she got up in the middle of the night, got dressed, put on her purse and walked out into the living room. While looking for a light switch she pulled the fire alarm. Then when the lady that runs the place came racing up stairs there stood a dark imposing figure in the middle of the room. EEEEP! Nana announced, "I'm ready to go out now." God only knows where she thought she was going. She must have been dreaming.

The next morning she sat down at the kitchen table and cleaned out her purse. Upon finding six one dollar bills she trilled, "Hey girl, lets say us rich bitches go get drunk!" Poor Emma (the lady that runs the house). There is a new woman living there. She doesn't like it. She screams all day. Emma told me that Nana sat with her all afternoon saying, "It really is a very nice place. You'll like it here. Everyone is very nice. I really miss my dogs. My Pipey is so sweet and Roo is so moochie and I really miss them but it really is wonderful here... Please stop screaming."

School ended. And now I am at camp. For the past several months I have been telling them they needed to replace my carpet (seriously gross bio-hazard at this point) with linoleum. I even offered to pay for it. When I got to camp. Still nasty carpet. So I complained again. I was told if I felt that strongly I could just rip up the carpet and have a stone floor. OK. I had the carpet up in less than thirty minutes. I had linoleum in less than 48 hours afterward when they saw what that would look like. Some people learned some valuable lessons about daring me to do anything.

As I type these delightful men are fixing my air conditioning. I have never started camp with a working air conditioner. But this may be the fastest I ever got it fixed. Might have to do with the fact that it will be 95 degrees up here on Thursday during inspection (according to the weather report).

This summer I find I am in love with Tea. A good dear friend totally got me hooked on the tea experience and seeing as I am trying to avoid the caffeine rush that can be coffee, the tea thing is good. Jasmine Pearls with Roobius is my favorite, but I found the most delightful iced...

My Daddy is coming up next week and I cannot wait!

So, that's where it is.

Oh! This year our radio names at camp are video games. I am Zelda... You got to go through several levels to get me...

*wink*

Hiatus

On April 1st Nana moved into the personal care home and it's working. It's the right place for her and it's working.

She told me that we need to find a place like this for me to go live...

Anyway, sorry I've been absent for a while. Five more weeks until camp, three until the 5K, and four until my good friend's wedding... not to mention all the babies that are coming this summer... I'll have more time for blogging at camp.

Don't give up on me.

On a different and just as upsetting note...

OK.

I get it.

I won't buy lottery tickets this week.

Money down the toilet.

This is a bit of a complicated and odd story, but, it is what it is.

When I went to Wilderness EMT training back in October I met a really sweet kid, all of 19 years old from a small town in the North West US. There was something about this guy. It felt like he belonged with "us" as in my camp crew... It was a feeling I just could not shake. So I made some calls, called in a favor or two and offered him a position as my assistant this summer (for two or three weeks). I got his plane ticket covered, got him set up for salary (a good one for a first year at only three weeks I might add) and some other perks. It was a good thing.

I asked people to pray about it for me. There was just something about this situation, a feeling, an intuition... he belonged here for the summer. God had a plan and I was so excited to see what it was... It was a hope and excitement I held onto whenever things were tough in these pre-camp days.

We corresponded a bit, planning, setting up and he was pumped and seemed committed. I got the administration staff pumped... It was clicking.

Today he e-mailed that he is not coming.

In the grand scheme of things it is not the end of the world. I even have another assistant, great guy I've worked with before at camp, for the time when this new guy wasn't going to be there, and that's a good thing, but...

On top of everything else I feel a bit let down tonight. There is still this feeling in my heart that there was a purpose there, that it was something important. I've had that feeling before, and more often than not I was right.

Apparently this was less often than not...

I wish him the best of luck, and May God Bless Him, whatever God's plan is for him.

Three unrelated stories... except they are.

A woman who spoke at my Baptist Collegiate Ministries when I was in college told a story about how when she was in her 30's, her husband was stationed somewhere other than where she lived and would visit every couple weekends. She suffered from an episode of Bell's Palsy and was hospitalized. On her birthday (her birthday!) he called her at the hospital (he had not come home) from her parent's (HER parents) house just to say hi. Apparently he had been able to get a hop on military air and so he went to visit her folks. He had forgotten that it was her birthday, and when she realized that and pointed it out, he tried to cover by telling her he had a surprise... She told him she was done. And she was. She said at that point she no longer loved her husband. The journey back from that, the choice that she made, the realization her husband had to come to, the salvation of their marriage (they've been together over 40 now) was her testimony. It was powerful when I heard it. She had to choose to be married to her husband. He had to choose to prove to her that she could love him and most importantly count on him. At the time I first heard it I looked at it as the powerful testimony of what marriage is supposed to be. A choice. She continued to make the choice even when it was hard and God rewarded that and now they both are very happily married.

To me it was in juxtaposition to another story. When my brother was five he nearly died in the hospital. My father, who was out of town on training at the time, didn't come home. There are a couple versions on the story, I was eight and so I have to take other peoples' words. There are, as I said, a couple versions. However there are two constants in all the versions. My father made the biggest mistake of his life and my mother quit loving and trusting him as a wife trusts a husband. It was at that point that she decided eventually she would leave him... and in the end my brother and I too. Granted she made the wrong choice or the weaker choice, or whatever you want to call it, in comparison to the woman who spoke at the BCM when I was in college, but I didn't understand something until this past week.

Nana is moving into a personal care home on April 1st. When I saw my brother at Christmas he promised me he would come and help me move her. Over the past few months he continued to promise. We talked about how having my mother here would be the last thing I need, too many complications. Then two weeks ago he called to say that he couldn't make it. Too many responsibilities, but it really bothered him. So I absolved him. Then he DROVE down to visit my father in Florida for this past week. Tuesday until Saturday. With a side trip to visit his wife's family (the people who called the police on him when his wife's phone died and she didn't call back fast enough...). I've missed two days of work because Nana was too confused to leave at home alone. One of those days was while my brother was visiting my Dad. That was the day I called my Mom in tears. She will be here tomorrow. When I "vented" to my dad about my brother's choices and how hard all of this was for me... Apparently my brother was in the room and heard me. My father e-mailed me "just so you know" that now my brother was hurt and upset too.

This past week was the most alone I have ever felt in my life. And for the first time in my life, while I still disagree with my mother's choice, I understood it. I also saw that while my father knows he made a mistake all those years ago he still doesn't understand why.

Apparently neither does my brother.

So now in addition to feeling like my world is collapsing and I am a failure because Nana is moving (I can't take care of her anymore like this!) I also feel like I can no longer count on my family the way I always assumed I could. Probably why I am crying every day and there are parents in my school system that complimented me on my passion for literature as I had tears running down my cheeks as I discusses To Kill a Mockingbird during parent teacher conferences...

My mother is coming. She may not have been my first choice, but she is coming and I'll take it. And be grateful.

This is shredding my soul.

Two weeks to go.

Suffication

There are a couple possibilities, depression, betrayal, heart break, all of the above.

Today I can't seem to stop the tears.

What happens if I get to April 1st and this doesn't get better?

Right now, all it is getting is worse.

I had no idea it was going to be this hard.

Being Mercutio

So, last night I was having a conversation with a friend. I think I may have upset her a bit. Further, I think she thinks this is about being single. And while I can't say this has nothing to do with that, it's not as big a factor as you'd think and there is so much more to it than that.

We were talking and I told her that I had come to the conclusion that I am really not the main character in this life. I am a Mercutio.

He was an important character. People like him, he stands out and is remembered, but it's not his story, it's not about him and he doesn't make it to the big finale.

She said that none of us is the main character, God is, at which point I knew she didn't understand what I was saying at all. Then she asked if I would think I was a main character if I was married. This was another indicator to me that she missed the point. Which isn't really her fault. Her life makes sense, it's working and she is the main character.

I have no idea how this is going to work with Nana at the personal care home. I have no idea how my life is going to work out at all regardless. People around me think I am funny, witty, confidant, together. I'm not even making that up, people have used those four words at me in the past week for several reasons.

And I think about Mercutio. He was dying and no one even knew. He is the most popular character in a play that is not about him. He is only a supporting character and in the end he was not in finale, he was just one of those who were gone.

Now, before anyone calls me about being crazy, suicidal, homicidal or depressed, I'm not. Let's settle that issue now. This was the other thing I was trying to explain to my well intentioned friend. This reality is not as upsetting to me as I thought it would be. Because I also think about Samuel.

There are two books in the bible called Samuel. He is an important figure in biblical literature. But those books were not about him. They were about Daniel, a man after God's own heart. The books were named after him, he mattered, and he served God, but he was the supporting character.

So, I'm okay with that.

Nanaisms...

OK, OK, I have been chastised and so I am posting. Life has been happening a bit faster than I can really stand up to lately.

The big news is that we have put down a deposit and Nana is going to a Personal Care Home on April 1st. She will be one of six ladies that live in the house. Frankly she is doing the best of the bunch physically and mentally from what I've seen. But she will get the support and supervision she needs there. I'll still be active and involved in her life (Most weekend she will come home with me to do nails, visit the dogs, go to church), but I will get the flexibility and the peace that comes with not being solely responsible for her all day, every day. Most of the time I am OK with this. It's a good place. Most of the time she is too...

This past winter when my Mom was here, she told Lindsey, "Thanks for all you do for Nana. And remember, Jesus said, whatever you do unto the least of these you do unto me..." Nana stood up and announced, "Come on, Lindsey, lets go live Jesus a shower!"

This past week I gave Nana a $10 so that she and Lindsey could go to Waffle House for lunch. Nana trilled, "Oh wow! We are rich! Come on Lindsey, let's go get drunk!"

Later that afternoon as I sat in the car on the phone (I hadn't been to work that day as Nana was too confused for me to leave her alone that morning) Nana came up and knocked on my window. She had been so clear when I left and hour previous. "Would you like to come inside and wait for Sandy there? She should be right home soon." I nearly burst into tears. Then Nana cracked the biggest smile and started to cackle! "Fooled you!" I nearly killed her!

The pie-de-resistance was on Sunday when she smiled at the woman who will be her new caretaker and said, "I'm going to miss my Sandy, she only beat me once in a while." We had to have a talk about how that joke was NOT FUNNY!

This is the right thing to do and I find comfort in the idea that this is a really good set up for Nana, but I also know this is going to kill me.

Not a date, but...

So I got tickets to go see the ballet of Romeo and Juliet. Good tickets in the balcony... Nana was gonna go with two of my guy friends and I. But she didn't want to go. So I asked another of the boys to go... But he had to bow out.

So I asked my former crush.

He's going with us!

This is not a date, but... he could totally see that I am a fun Friday night companion... In case he ever wanted to ask, not that I am expecting him to... Just to know it's out there, you know?

Anyway.

Fingers crossed....!

Better Moods...

To say there were days that I have been in better mood, would be an understatement. Most likely it's hormonal, but I imagine there is more too it than that. Tired is a big part of it for sure. Maybe weary would be a better word.

Weary.

Doesn't that sound romantic?

A theroy was put to me today that I need to go "do nothing somewhere else" for a few days. Specifically a monestary was reccomended. So now I have to consider that.

Then there is PhD. I don't really think I want it that bad. I'm having trouble rallying to re-apply. Maybe I don't want this enough. Also, there is the issue of administration... should I do that instead. How simple would it be to be the designated bad guy...

Last night I dreamed someone held me. No face, and NOTHING ELSE, just held me. Waking up to nothing was devistating...

Maybe the monistary is a good idea.

Renew The Dream

When I was in college, I closeted in Religion for a semester while I got my grades up enough to get into English (that's right, I was so bad!) and for that semester I took several religion classes. One of them was Religous Ethics. We had a very interesting set of discussions in that class. One of the most heated was about Martin Luther King Jr. and Malcolm X.

The crux of the discussion was that while I disagreed with Malcolm's religious beliefs and methodology, I had more admiration for him than Martin Luther King because MLK (as historical records have shown) did not truly adhere to his own moral tenants. Saying that the room exploded on this statement really wouldn't cover it. I'm lucky I was not killed... (honestly I was thinking lynched, but apparently that is a racially specific and charged term, so while it would be appropriate to this discussion I can't use it.) It was actually a good discussion when it was all said and done.

The thing is I wish I could go back and have it again, not because my opinion on that situation has changed, but there was more to the statement I wish I had made. MLK was a flawed individual and I think he was diefied before a complete picture of him was completed, however, his dream was real and his dream is achievable and nessesary for all that this country can and should become.

As a teacher I work with students of all colors. More importantly I work with students of all socioeconomic groups and cultures. As young people, while it is in different areas depending on ability, interests and strengths, they all have great potential. They all do. While I do not really agree with the plan or purpose of No Child Left Behind (we do not all learn the same at the same rate and holding the others back until everyone catches up is stupid!) the idea that every child has value is a real one.

Two weeks ago, a young man who had been my student, who was working on the possibility of getting into the Naval Academy, who I had also interacted with through camp, walked into an Arby's with a pellet gun pained black to look like an assualt rifle and held it up for just over $500 dollars. He's 18, and he happens to be african american. He was a smart alec in class, and he always slid by by the skin of his teeth. Several teachers and I tried to talk to him about seeing that he was so important to the future, that we needed him to be a role model to the young men coming after, that he had a future. Apparently he couldn't make his rent. He figured that this way no one would get hurt (it wasn't actually the weapon it looked like) and he wasn't supporting other crime (he didn't get a illegal weapon, unmarked, unregistered, etc) and it was just something to get by...

His life as he knew it is over. His potential is not ended, but it is altered and for the most part it is of little use to the rest of the world for sometime, if ever.

I beleive MLK and Malcolm X would weep most for the loss of that young man. Because I think the lies got to him. The idea that armed robbery was his only option. He bought into the concept that... well I don't know what, but somehow I found myself thinking about that today.

There are other dreams too, that I think of on a day like today. But most of all I think of the loss of the dream that was that young man.

Who's Stupid!

OK, first of all watching Dawn of the Dead last night was a bad idea (and a somewhat bad movie to boot!) and made driving today in the post snowblown south a bit spooky. There was no one on the road this morning...

Which also means there was no one around to watch me make a fool of myself trying to open my car doors. They were frozen shut, or that's what I thought when I struggled and struggled to open them and they would not budge...

Then it dawned on me...

They were still locked!

Heaven help me!

Today's Joy

Some days it is enough...

Most days it is enough...

Today it was enough...

The joy of others.

Engagements. Weddings. Babies. Jobs. Scholarships. Futures. Successful Outcomes.

Of others.

It's enough.

Today.

Nana is with me, today.

They took out that rotten tooth and she and I talked and she was the most lucid she's been in a month.

I could forget that I'm overwhelmed, and exhausted and terrified...

That May is coming and I don't know what to do or how I'm going to do it.

I reaveled in the hope and excitement of this coming summer. The old friends, comfortable relationships, new faces, new possibilities...

Today I am focusing on the joy of the others around me.

Today it is enough.

Lindsey and I were talking today. We talked about how much better I am, about how the therapy is helping, about how I was ready to grow beyond stuff, how God had a plan, a purpose.

We talked about how my heart is healing.

It is, and right now it is healing faster then my life is shredding it...

Sometimes I think that is possible because of the joy of others.

Today it is enough.

I'm praying it will be tomorrow, too.